When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
If I was an operating system, your process would have top priority.
There was a Young Lady of Clare,
Who was sadly pursued by a bear;
When she found she was tired,
She abruptly expired,
That unfortunate Lady of Clare.
After I helped a peach with some work, she said, "I really ap-peach-iate your help!"
What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta
What is a sleeping brain's favorite musical group (rock band)?
REM.
Are you my lines? Because I could never forget you.
Why did the troll fall back with his army?
He didn't want to be ogre-run by the enemy.
My life is so sad and lonley (why) because you're not in it.
What’s a vampire’s favorite food?
Vampires aren’t real.
A toast to you:
You always know how to make everything butter.
If I had a dime for every time I heard this joke, I’d have a dime. Never heard this one before!
Please don’t go now. Else, I would have to go to the police station and report you to the cops. You just stole my heart.
What is a cat’s favorite deal? Buy one, get one furry.
Q. Which dinosaur species has deep blue-green feathers?
A. Teal-Rex.
I used to live in in Aragon, in Spain.
Then I left.
I'm Aragone.
How do you stop a werewolf attacking you?
Throw a stick and shout “Fetch.”
Sitting near the fireplace is just like a whole bunch of bees...
'swarm
You know you're texting too much when...
you try to text, but you're on a landline!
Chuck Norris once climbed Mt. Everest in 15 minutes, 14 of which he was building a snowman at the bottom.
My eyes are full of tears
That they can see no more
I wish you were here
To chop these onions for me.
(Unknown)
Who’s a llama’s favorite actor?
Al Pacacino.
It’s too bad the man couldn’t quit his job at the bakery. He really kneaded the dough.
Did you know that Beethoven's favorite fruit
Ba Na Na Naaa...Ba Na Na Naaa...
What does someone mean by a light year? The same as a regular year, but with less calories and fat.
The worst thing about living next door to a good gardener is that the grass is always greener on the other side.
What is a flamingo's favorite ride at a theme park? The flamingo-karts.
My girlfriend tried to make me have se* on the hood of her Honda Civic…
But I refused. If I’m going to have se*, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
What are the Vikings favorite drink?
Mini Sodas
“Mr. Jones, I’ve reviewed this case very carefully,” said the divorce court judge, “And I’ve decided to give your wife $300 a week.”
“That’s very fair, your honor,” said the husband.
“I’ll try and send her a few bucks myself every now and then too.”
Our backstage manager is leaving at the end of the year. He has been an outstanding member of our theatre team.
Props to him.
“The greatest lesson in life is to know that even fools are right sometimes.”
– Winston S. Churchill
I don't have a foot fetish, but I'm pretty into mistle-toe.
Why was Romeo melancholic?
Because Juliette Cantaloupe.
Cosmetic surgery used to be such a taboo subject.
Now you can talk about Botox and nobody raises an eyebrow.
What do you call a berry that plays the trumpet? A tooty fruity!
What do you call a medieval spearman who is self employed?
A freelancer.
You're like fireworks: smokin' hot, fun, and radiant.
Did you hear about the elf who was a little hard of hearing?
She had to keep saying "Sleigh, what?"
I felt so guilty after I stepped on that worm this morning. You should have seen it, it looked genuinely crushed.
My neighbor tried to charge me $20 to watch the eclipse from his balcony.
I told him that was daylight robbery.
What's white on the outside, green on the inside and comes with relish and onions?
A hot frog.
There was a Young Lady of Hull,
Who was chased by a virulent bull;
But she seized on a spade,
And called out, 'Who's afraid?'
Which distracted that virulent bull.
How do you know that carrots are good for your eyesight? Have you ever seen a rabbit wearing glasses?
Where do math teachers normally like to go on summer vacation?
Times Square.
The other day my wife asked me to pass her lipstick, but I accidentally gave her a glue stick....
She still isn't talking to me.
On Father's Day my family went strawberry picking. Later on, we decided to make a jam...
...from the fruits of our labor
What do you call a vegetarian Viking?
Norvegan.
How do you tell the difference between a violinist and a dog?
The dog knows when to stop scratching.
What do you call it when the preacher passes gas during his sermon?
A blast from the pastor.