I love walking my neighbor’s dog. It’s the leashed I can do.
What illness kept Avogadro in bed for two months?
Mole-onucleosis
Why did Henry VIII struggle to breathe?
He had no heir!
It’s worth a shot.
What do Snowmen call their offspring?
Chill-dren.
I've got some wicked feelings brewing for you.
"My cat doesn't like you."
Q. Why was the baby gorilla such a big brat?
A. Because his parents are big apes.
"Scone be a lot of fun. Wheat love for you to join us."
“What is your favorite day of the week, and why it is your favorite day of the week? Mine is Tuesday because that means Monday is gone.”
Where do rabbits work? At IHOP restaurants!
Why do potatoes make good detectives?
Because they keep their eyes peeled.
It’s so hot that you can’t make a chili dog.
What does a monster wear when it rains?
His ghoul-oshes!
Who do vampires buy their cookies from? The Ghoul Scouts
I like books, you like books, why don't we start writing the story of us?
Ever had real cane sugar?
It cannot be beet.
What's the best dance to do on Thanksgiving? The turkey trot.
Make it rein.
She sold six shabby sheared sheep on ship.
Why was the sedimentary rock so cheap? It was always on shale.
Let's play a game called TV, I turn your knobs and you watch my antennae rise.
I’m no Thomas Paine, but you and I are Common Sense.
What has one head, one foot and four legs? A Bed
What do you call 144 kangaroos in a box?
Gross.
How do cows intake water?
by Osmoosis.
Why are big boats called "Yachts"?
Because they cost "Yachts of money".
“Let’s begin by taking a smallish nap or two.”
– A. A. Milne (Winnie the Pooh)
What sound does a Greek cow make?
"μ"
What kind of car does a viking drive?
A fjord
“I smiled right after getting up. I think I dislocated my face. Good Morning!”
– Unknown
"I don't believe in jogging. It extending your life, but by about the same amount of time you spend jogging."
Marshall Brickman
What can't cows stand on their hind legs?
Because they lactose.
when I smelled breakfast in the morning it was bacon me eggcited.
You be the battery, I’ll be the aluminum foil and together we’ll light up the world.
Wait until you see my thunda from down unda!
The hotdog severely fell behind in school which is why he has to ketchup.
Which position does the son of Dracula play on the baseball team?
Bat boy.
Q. Will a sensible stag do something dangerous to impress a doe?
A. No, not even on a deer.
Readers do it by the book.
Wow, You must be the pretty princess the evil queen is trying to get rid of.
How do clams call their friends?
Clams call their friends on their shell phones!
I tried calling my fruit friend thrice, but could not peach him, as his phone was out of peach.
What do you call it when someone hits avocados repeatedly with a hammer?
Gu-whack-a-mole-e.
My Ex Girlfriend stole my Hummus.
I told that chick, peace
On Mother's Day we went strawberry picking and made a jam from the fruits of our labor.
Did you hear about the cows struck by lightning?
They were completely cattletonic!
Zombies are dead but they live with it.
“Kids are expensive, I didn’t even realize how broke I was until last year someone stole my identity and it ruined her life.”—Kate Davis
You are living proof that Australia was colonized by criminals, because it's 'criminal' how good you look.