British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply

Wow, You must be the pretty princess the evil queen is trying to get rid of.

Some marine biologists argued about how best to handle angry dolphins.
The were working at cross porpoises.

This book of spells was useless. The author forgot to run spell check.

Why did the rude unicorn not say hello to the other? Because while the pace (face) was familiar, he
just couldn’t remember the mane (name).

I’ll try to keep it brief, but I have so much to Marseilles about France.

Why do North Koreans draw the straightest lines?
Because they have a supreme ruler.

Why do gorillas have really big fingers?
Because they have really big nostrils!

"Your first job is to prepare the soil. The best tool for this is your neighbor's motorized garden tiller. If your neighbor does not own a garden tiller, suggest that he buy one."
- Dave Barry

What did the pig say on a hot summer’s day?
I’m bacon!

Did you hear about the elusive skating watermelon thief? Not really, the only description they got was a Caucasian melon wheels.

What should you do if it starts raining cats and dogs?
Please seek shelters.

What is a car’s favourite job?

Caretaker.

A blonde stormed up to the front desk of the library and with a screaming voice said, “I have a complaint!”
“How can i help you?” said the librarian looking up at her.
“I borrowed a book last week and it was horrible!”
Puzzled by her complain the librarian asked “What was wrong with it?”
“It had way too many characters and there was no plot!” said the blonde.
The librarian nodded and said, “Ahhh. So YOU must be the person who took our phone book."

It was pretty foggy outside today.

I shot an arrow in the air, and it stuck.

Do you know which aisle the edible underwear is in? Oh, wait, wrong store!

I was kidnapped by mimes.
They did unspeakable things to me.

What do you call a whirlwind winter romance?
Love at frost sight!

A cross-eyed teacher can't control his pupils.

What do you call an important English snake?
Sir Pent.

I think haikus suck.
Has to be five seven five.
Who came up with this?

What do you get from sitting on the snow too long?
Polaroids!

What did the skeleton bring to the potluck?
Spare ribs.

What did the boy volcano say to the girl volcano? I Lava You!

Did you know that a Squid’s esophagus goes through its brain?
Food for thought, isn’t it?

The sweet potato asked the other potato : “How are my eyes? ”

Q. Who walks around the suburbs trying to sell venison meat?
A. A deer-to-door salesmant.

A friend of mine was taking a bath when he realised he wasn’t a very good burglar.

Why did the monk meditate with a light bulb?
He hoped it would help him to reach enlightenment.

What do you call a cow apart of the Knights of the Round Table?
Sir Loin

My friend gave birth in the car on the way to the hospital
Her husband named the kid Carson.

Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?

"Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint." —Mark Twain

Why did the mailman die? Because everybody dies.

"The Attraction of Levitation"

“Oh, dear!” said little Johnny Frost,
“Sleds are such different things!
When down the hill you swiftly coast
You’d think that they had wings;

“But when uphill you slowly climb,
And have to drag your sled,
It feels so heavy that you’d think
‘Twas really made of lead.

“And all because an Englishman,
Sir Isaac Newton named,
Invented gravitation, and
Became unduly famed;

“While if he had reversed his law,
So folks uphill could coast,
It seems to me he would have had
A better claim to boast.

“Then coasting would all pleasure be;
To slide up would be slick!
And dragging sleds downhill would be
An awful easy trick!”

– H. G. Paine

What did the vampire say to the vampire hunter that missed his heart.
Well wasnt that an unfortunate missed-stake.

The goal nine yards

Why do you have to wait so long for a train on Halloween? They only run a skeleton service.

You must be the North Star because the light around you guided me here.

“In order to maintain a well­-balanced perspective, the person who has a dog to worship him should also have a cat to ignore him.” —Peterborough Examiner, Canada

I see you driving
Round town with the girl I love
and I’m like Haiku.

If you where a sheep I would clone you.

What has 6 legs, red hair, and flies?
No, seriously. This thing is scaring the heck out me.

Did you hear about the guy who opened up a store where they only sell Swiss cheese?
It’s a hole business strategy.

There was a Young Lady whose chin,
Resembled the point of a pin;
So she had it made sharp,
And purchased a harp,
And played several tunes with her chin.

"Summer vacations are a time when parents realize that teachers are grossly underpaid."

What do you call a truck-load of tortoises crashing into a train-load of terrapins?
A turtle disaster.

“It’s a sure sign of summer if the chair gets up when you do.”
-Walter Winchell

Where do beavers keep their money? Well, they keep it in the riverbank.

Would you sit on my feet while I do push ups?