You must be Australian because you've turned my life upside-down.
What do you call a connection between two points in space-time through which only dragons can pass?
A wyrmhole.
Angry cows are usually responsible for giving the farmer sour milk.
The paddy don’t start till I walk in.
What do you call the second tissue paper?
Kleenext.
Are you like this mountain? Because I can’t seem to get over you.
What did the teacher say when he could not get into his car?
‘Oh no, I have lost my Kias!’
“The most obnoxious thing in the world is to listen to others drone on about how much they love the heat.”
I saw a sheep covered in plastic
It was lambinated.
What did the grouchy mushroom say to the loud mushroom? - Put a cap on it.
Why did the lemon fail its driving test?
Because it kept peeling out
What's a bipolar person's favorite type of music? Swing.
I couldn't tell if the dog truly had to poop or if he was just faking it to go outside.
Turns out he was full of s**t.
My dad's nickname is lightning.
That way I can tell my friends I've been struck by lightning multiple times.
What’s worse than a giraffe with a sore throat?
A centipede with athlete’s foot.
What do you call a snowman on rollerblades?
A snowmobile.
"Eggs-cuse me."
Is your name Rapunzel, cause I need a girl who never leaves the bedroom and constantly wants me to pull her hair?
What did the Pharaoh tell the man who tried to sell him a pyramid? "Well, that's the last thing I need."
I went to the zoo today....
only to find out that some aquatic mammals had escaped.
It was otter chaos.
It was a great fire. It was a bon-fire.
How do two rival forests get along? They sign a peace tree-ty!
What do we call a beautiful picture drawn by a peach artist? – It is a great peach of work.
"If she happens to fall, I’ll be there to laugh at first and then help her up afterwards." — J.A. Redmerski
What’s a milk’s favorite fruit? Cow-conuts.
The theoretic turtle started out to see the toad;
He came to a stop at a liberty-pole in the middle of the road.
“Now how, in the name of the spouting whale,” the indignant turtle cried,
“Can I climb this perpendicular cliff, and get on the other side?
If I only could make a big balloon, I’d lightly over it fly;
Or a very long ladder might reach the top, though it does look fearfully high.
If a beaver were in my place, he’d gnaw a passage through with his teeth;
I can’t do that, but I can dig a tunnel and pass beneath.”
He was digging his tunnel, with might and main, when a dog looked down at the hole.
“The easiest way, my friend,” said he, “is to walk around the pole.”
(Amos Russel Wells)
How does one raindrop ask another out? Water you doing tonight?
Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.
“The only yoga stretch I've perfected is the yawn.”
- Grant Tucker.
Bus ticket inspectors: You’ve really got to hand it to them.
If I had a dollar for every time I was suspicious ...
I'd wonder why I got so much water.
Ghosts make the best cheerleaders. They have lots of spirit!
“This is the first year I’m not going to Fiji because of COVID-19. Normally, I do not go because I am poor.”
— Brooke Miller
What are ice cream cones like as parents?
They’re big softies.
“Mountains have a way of dealing with overconfidence.” – Hermann Buhl
How many cans can a cannibal nibble
if a cannibal can nibble cans?
As many cans as a cannibal can nibble
if a cannibal can nibble cans.
"Listen, smile, agree, and then do whatever you were gonna do anyway."
― Robert Downey Jr.
That girl must be a premature contraction as she makes my heart skip a beat.
What was the most popular dance move in the colonies in 1776?
Indepen-dance.
Why were people in the Medieval times so self absorbed?
Because they thought that they were the center of the universe.
Why did the dog cross the road?
To get out of the barking lot.
I made some fish tacos last night....
But they just ignored them and swam away.
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef!
What’s the preacher’s favorite fall song? A-maize-ing Grace.
What is a gorillas favourite ice cream flavour.
Chocolate chimp.
What's a prisoners favorite building materials? Steal n cement.
We went to a fancy dress party
With a Haloween theme
There was me and my girlfriend
And her twin sister Irene
However after a drink or two
Alcohol caused a bit of a hitch
As with twin witches I couldn't
Tell which witch was which
A man fell into a vat of varnish and died
He had a terrible end but a lovely finish.
The turkey shot out of the oven
and rocketed into the air,
it knocked every plate off the table
and partly demolished a chair.
- Jack Prelutsky
“Time spent with cats is never wasted.”
- Sigmund Freud