I know why Solomon had 600 wives, because he never found you.
What’s it like to be kissed by a vampire?
It’s a pain in the neck.
Why don`t ducks tell jokes when they fly?
Because they would quack up.
What do you call it when you've choked on water while jogging every morning this week?
The worst running gag ever.
Q. What do you get if you cross a deer with an Aussie Joey?
A. A buck-er-roo.
Why does the lettuce always win the bodybuilding competition?
Cuz it starts a head and is usually shredded.
“Money is the opposite of the weather. Nobody talks about it, but everybody does something about it.” – Rebecca Johnson
I used to love puns about throwing things, but now I don’t.
It was just a fling.
How did the serve know when the bad serve was not with the hand? The server knew it was the foot fault.
Knock Knock Jokes
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Canoe.
Canoe who?
Canoe help me with my homework?
What do rodents say when they play bingo?
‘Eyes down for a full mouse’!
Ancient Rome
Two friends are talking:
- you know how many girls I had?
- mmm?
- No, not that many...
How do you kiss someone at the end of the world?
On the apoca-lips.
A pickle store is giving out their new tea-flavored pickles on the street today
I tried some and I guess they tasted quite a-tea-pickle.
Hey, I found you! You are the girl of my dreams.
Let's get out of here and explore the North Pole. I'm a rebel without a Claus.
Where do fish go to watch movies?
At the dive-in.
There once was a man from Tibet,
Who couldn't find a cigarette.
So he smoked all his socks,
and got chicken-pocks,
and had to go to the vet.
What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones.
Is There A Ring Of Debris Around Uranus?
Are you a lexicographer? Because you make my life more meaningful.
Why are alligator comedians so funny?
Their wit is as razor sharp as their teeth!
Whoever came up with the word dentures really missed an opportunity to call it "Substi-tooths"
What is a worm's favorite band? Mud.
Tigers are bad at basketball because they have only four feet.
What key can’t open doors no matter how hard you try?
Turkey.
What's the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a well dressed man on a bicycle?
Attire
“Pizza is like the entire food pyramid!”
― Madeline Oles
Why did Julius Caesar never say thank you to anyone?
He didn't speak English.
I once knew a man who lived in a jar.
For a stranger sight you’d have to go far.
I asked him once why he lived in a jar.
He grimaced and said, how bizarre you are.
My jar’s so cozy, warm and bright,
Even in the full moonlight.
The only drawback is, you see,
Getting out quickly when I have to pee.
(Irwin Mercer)
"An onion can make people cry but there's never been a vegetable that can make people laugh."
— Will Rogers
My love for you simply radiates.
Q. Which deer was a fascist dictator?
A. Moose Al Ini.
What did one skeleton wrestler say to the other?
You better watch out for my special move. It will verta-break your back!
Forget about Spider man, Batman, or Superman. I’ll be your man.
Ariana look-out for someone to date? Because look no further!
Do you believe this? All soccer players, irrespective of their country of origin, have one goal.
Why did the raccoon cross the road?
He saw you put out the garbage.
My brother gave me whole milk, but I can only have nut milk with my cereal. How dairy!
Why was the potato put in an asylum? It was starch raving mad.
Why did the chicken cross the river?
To get to the otter side
How can you tell if there is a dinosaur in bed with you? By the `D' on his pajamas.
I used to sell loose onions
Until I got the sack
A few years ago, I had a job translating pre-Classical Greek literature into Braille.
It feels like ancient history.
Why were the volleyball players always tying in tic tac toe? Each time one of them sets an X, the other player just says O.
What kind of shoes do mice wear? Squeakers.
Why is there no COVID cases in Antarctica
Because it’s so ice-o-lated
A knight asks a squire for the time
The squire says: it seems to be 3 pm
The knights shuts his visor and says: no, its knight time
"I love my husband, but no matter where we are, I make him sleep closest to the door so if anything happens, he gets murdered first." — Jessica Valenti
How does Frankenstein eat his dinner?
He bolts it down.