Why did Chuck Norris cross the road?
He didn’t — the road moved back underneath him.
Hello, eh. Girl your soft brown eyes remind me of the amazing beaver, eh.
My favorite outdoor activity is the short walk back inside.
Why do snowmen always get injured when playing sports?
Because they refuse to warm up!
Why was the skeleton afraid of the dog?
Because dogs love bones.
What nature phenomenon is the funniest? A cyclown!
What’s a bigamist?
It’s what Italians call a thick fog.
Why don’t ants get sick? Because they have little anty-bodies.
“Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a refund from the IRS, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with." ~From a Washington Post word contest
“If you want to know how your girl will treat you after marriage, just listen to her talking to her little brother.” — Sam Levenson
"Jogging is for people who aren't intelligent enough to watch television."
Victoria Wood
Let's procreate like the snakes in the Narcisse Dens.
What do you call a dinosaur that's a noisy sleeper? A Bronto-snorus.
Who was the fastest runner of all time?
Adam. He was the first in the human race.
What did the teacher do with her student's report on the history of cheese?
She grated it.
What do you call a hot dog with nothing inside it? A “hollow-weenie!”
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Fangs
Fangs who?
Fangs for letting me in!
If I had a star for every time you brightened my day, I would be holding a galaxy.
"Say you'll be wine."
"Sometimes I wonder how you put up with me, but then I remember I put up with you, so we're even." - Unknown
What did Katy Perry drink when she was little? Bust-Tea.
What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a bicycle and a nicely dressed man on a tricycle? A tire.
I asked my musician friend if he plays by ear.
He said, "Yes, it's a violin. That is how you hold it."
What did the worm say to his friend when he got stuck in pumpkin?
Worm your way out of that one!
What do you call a blessed blanket?
Holy sheet
The name's Bond. Ionic Bond. Taken, not shared.
Q: Why does it smell bad when you destroy fans?
A: Because you’re breaking wind.
Why are Scandinavians the fastest runners in the world?
Because they start out near the Finnish line.
What song do young peaches love listening to? 'Papa don't peach'.
A wise saying among werewolves: Chasing your tail will not make ends meet.
What is small, has a long tail and works with the police?
A gerbil shepherd dog!
I recently read a book by an onion which had opened up on its life. Midway through the book, I started crying.
I saw a squirrel running in circles in my yard today…
I think it lost its nuts.
Why did the peach think he was a pear for a while? He was feeling awfully green at first, but eventually his face became red.
Browsing my feed
I’m delighted to see
your new girlfriend is
the ugly version of me.
(Samantha Jayne)
Did you know there were vegetarians in Medieval Europe?
More often than not, they were called "peasants"
You may look a little older,
Sadly youth doesn't come cheap,
So skip all those Botox parties,
And just get your beauty sleep.
Be glad you're young at heart,
And still look as good as gold,
Too bad you're not a millionaire,
And can't put your looks on hold.
(Kevin Nishmas)
What’s the number one complaint pig spouses have about one another? Too stub-boar-n.
There once was a man from kanass,
Who's nuts were made out of brass.
in stormy weather,
he'd clack them together,
and lightning shot out of his ass.
Who is the penguins favourite aunt?
Aunt Arctica
If two vampires have a race, will it be neck and neck?
A man is wanted for stealing tires off of cop cars.
Police are working tirelessly to catch him.
Wow, you're so cool in this hot weather that my freezer is jealous of you.
This summer is going swimmingly.
What is worse than when it is raining buckets?
Hailing taxis.
The least favorite day for an orange is a juice day.
Last night my house was broken into, and all they stole was soap.
Dirty criminals. Cops say they got away clean.
I've always considered mountain plateaus to be the highest forms of flattery.
Did you hear about the guy who got a metal jaw replacement?
I think he just did it for a tin chin.
Are you my lines? Because I could never forget you.