What did the skydiver say in autumn? I love the fall.
Who’s the head of the penguin navy?
Admiral Byrd.
The local motorway has become blocked after a truck shed it's load of brightly coloured writing paper and envelopes.
Police say the traffic is pretty stationery...
“Pride, commitment and teamwork are words they use to get you to work for free.” – Anonymous
What is an astronaut's favorite place on a computer? The Space bar!
I got sacked from my job at the guillotine factory today
It’s a cut throat business
Hey, remember back when we were a thing… Yeah… Good times.
The guests were already at the door and we realized we forgot to make dessert. As a last-minute resort, my wife took the skillet, spread some frosting on it and said,
"Pancake".
I figured out a way to chop onions without crying...
The trick is avoiding getting emotionally attached to the onion.
Which Nordique great has recurring ligament problems? Peter Spaz-knee!
My fire tonight...
Was lit!
When you see something red that goes up and down, chances are it is a strawberry in an elevator.
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said
"You know, one would have been enough."
What’s an elephant’s secret talent?
They’re great at multi-tusking.
“I think Smithers picked me because of my motivational skills. Everyone says they have to work a lot harder when I’m around.” — Homer Simpson
You knead me in your loaf.
I hate hard drives...
...they byte
When can three giant dinosaurs get under an umbrella and not get wet? When it's not raining!
“How can something so small create so much of something so disgusting?”
- Michael, ‘Three Men And A Baby.’
The Easter Bunny won’t be making his usual rounds this year. He’s laid up with a hareline fracture.
What does a deer hang on its Christmas tree?
“Horn – aments.”
I just beat my friend in a Wild West themed art race!
I was quicker to the draw.
What’s every ice cream parlor owner’s side hustle?
Sundae school teacher.
Why did Harry Potter throw away all his old potions?
They were past their hexpiration date!
Why do gorillas have really big fingers?
Because they have really big nostrils!
Why are crows so interesting?
Just beCAWse
“You can tell you ate too much for Thanksgiving when you have to let your bathrobe out.” —Jay Leno
What do you get when you sit under a cow?
A pat on the head.
How do monkeys get down the stairs?
They slide down the banana-ster.
“Today’s good mood is sponsored by yoga.” – Unknown
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically,
"Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
Is your Wi-Fi on because I can feel a very strong connection with you?
Have you heard of the tallest tower in France?
It’s a real Eiffel.
Why did we get sunglasses for you?
Well, we know what is true.
When the candles on your cake are lit
It will be bright we will admit.
(Theodore Higgingsworth)
How do rainbows sleep? In forty pinks.
What type of tool does a prehistoric reptile carpenter use? A dino-saw. Who makes the best prehistoric reptile clothes ? A dino-sewer.
How much does a polar bear weigh? Enough to break the ice.
Do you know what my shirt is made of? Boyfriend material!
I came, I thaw, I conquered.
If I was your heart would you let me beat?
How do you catch an electric eel?
You can catch an electric eel with a lightning rod!
How much fur can you get from a dinosaur ? As fur as you can get!
Our kids tee ball team, the Tigers, won the championship. All the parents were very proud and put in for a little statuette of the front of a tiger to give them to celebrate. When it came in, for some reason it was the back half of a tiger.
Needless to say, it was a cat ass trophy.
What is a strawberry's favorite music band? Pearl Jam.
I love all of your stratified layers!
I was hiking yesterday, when I suddenly ran in to a cougar....
Almost made me puma pants!
What do you call a fish that floats on the surface?
Bob.
The fruit started to stutter as it was suffering from peach deterioration.
Apparently there's a fruit that is naturally radioactive.
I think that's bananas!
Why did the electrician marry his colleague? He couldn’t resistor.