What do you call a reindeer ghost? A cari-boo!
Q: What is the opposite of a cold front?
A: A warm back
Are you an exoplanet? Because I’m bad at astronomy and pick up lines.
How many realtors are needed to change a bulb?
Five. One to change, and four others to say they would have done it for a lower price.
It’s so cold that when I needed an anesthetic, the dentist told me to stick my head out the hospital window.
"Darling, shall we buy some vegetables for tonight?"
"Yes, lettuce!"
Older women to her friend about remarrying, “When I pass away I want my husband to be so upset he has to drop out of college.”
Do you have a mirror in your pocket?
Why, because you can see yourself in my pants?
No, because I wanted to check how I look before I hit on your hot friend.
Baby, we need to get together before Christmas, because you can't spell "love" with No-el.
Careful of that Earl Grey, it’s super hot! Oh wait, you don’t need to worry. It’s not as hot as you.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Cantaloupe!
Cantaloupe who?
Cantaloupe to Vegas, our parents would get mad.
What is a dentist’s favorite hymn?
Crown Him with Many Crowns.
2000 years ago, pop diva Lady Cleopatra had a smash hit: "Bad Romans."
I'm willing to lower my standards if you're going on a date with me.
Which band were way ahead of their time in the stage lighting department?
LED Zeppelin.
At a recent job interview, the hiring manager
asked me if I can perform under pressure.
I said: "No, but I can do Bohemian Rhapsody."
Why was the Pirate sad when his parrot left him?.
It gave him the cold shoulder.
Why couldn’t the equestrian find the carrots? They were down by the bay.
What do you call a solar powered keyboard?
A photosynthesiser
You look like a bowl of ice cream, I just want to spoon you.
here was a dog owner named Mark
Whose beagle would constantly bark
The neighbours would moan
They’d steal Benji’s bone
And toss it away in the park.
Why did the biology teacher and the physics teacher split up?
They had no chemistry!
A really leery Larry rolls readily to the road.
"Promises and pie-crust are made to be broken."
— Jonathan Swift
“Seize the moment. Remember all those women on the Titanic who waved off the dessert cart.”
― Erma Bombeck
What is the left side of an apple? The part that you don't eat.
"Doctor Doctor I feel like a supermarket"
How long have you been feeling like this?
"Since I was Lidl."
Why did the potato wear socks?
To keep his pota-toes warm.
What do you ask a medieval crustacean when you want them to feel the music?
Art thou feeling it now Mr. Krabs?
I entered my pig into a pig race but he pulled a ham string.
Oh gosh gal your eyes look like falling stars.
What four letters will frighten a burglar? O I C U Where does bad light go? To prism!
I’m browsing the winter-net.
I went to Oxford University, where I was a philosophy major and the starting goalkeeper on the football team.
They called me Soccertes.
I don't agree with battery hens.
Surely they'd lay bigger eggs if they were plugged into the mains.
Hey Anthony, methinks Antho-Need your number
Many people believe liquid soap is more hygienic than soap bars.
Don't listen to them, it is only a slippery soap argument.
The guy nearly saw a murder when he almost ran over his car over a couple of crows.
Q: What do you call a really violent fruit?
A: A peach breaker
Are you a banker?
Because you need to leave me a loan.
What's a pun's favorite love song?
"My Punny Valentine!"
If you go out with me, I promise I won’t take you for granite.
“Sometimes I would like to be a child again, and other times a woman made of snow.”
– Deirdre Sullivan
Did you know it's illegal to water your plants in China ?
It causes the microphones to rust.
Why did the Pilgrims want to sail to America in the spring?
Because April showers bring Mayflowers!
A monk, a priest and a rabbit walk into a blood bank.
The rabbit says "I think I'm a type o"
If you were in the jungle and a gorilla charged you, what should you do?
Pay him.
I tried out a lactose free diet. I stopped because I couldn’t figure out how to milk the almonds.
“Cats have a scam going – you buy the food, they eat the food, they go away; that’s the deal.”
- Eddie Izzard.
Are you a fire alarm? because you are really freaking loud and annoying