“Pizza is like the entire food pyramid!”
― Madeline Oles
"I’m at that age where my back goes out more than I do." - Phyllis Diller
What country do marathoners retire to?
Iran.
What did the skeleton say when he went riding on his motorcycle?
- I’m bone to be wild!
Who never minds being interrupted in the middle of a sentence? A convict.
I know that 70% of the human body is composed of H2O, but the tall drink of water I'm looking at is probably 97%.
Why did the keyboard not get any sleep?...
Because it has two shifts.
What's the difference between a pessimist and an optimist?
A pessimist says "things can't get any worse"
And optimist says "sure they can!"
Scientists have discovered what is believed to be the world's largest bed sheet.
More on this story, as it unfolds.
What do you call a musical lime?
John Lemon.
Are you the moon? Because even when it’s dark, you still seem to shine.
I’m feeling a little blue, do you think you could help al-Levi-ate my pain with a good date?
Why was the actress scared of the deer?
She had stag fright.
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?
"Woke up this morning with a terrific urge to lie in bed all day and read."
– Raymond Carver
The baby crow decided to dress up as his favorite vegetable on Halloween, he dressed up as a caw-liflower.
What do you call an Irish gem that’s a fake?
A sham rock.
My friend mashed up some cherries on halloween and said they were blood. I was cherry-fied!
Lemonade and iced tea make an Arnold Palmer. What do you get when you Mix Lemonade with a tea bag?
Benedict Arnold Palmer
Why did they put Viagra in chocolate bars? You eat it, She says, "Oh, Oh Henry!"
What's long, surprisingly bigger than expected, comes in different colors, and everyone wants a ride from?
A limousine.
"Mom, when will I get lipstick like the other girls at my school?"
"You are not like the other girls, Dave."
What is the best type of nut for your home wall decor? A walnut.
I was gonna make a river joke, but I don't think it's current.
There are 3 rings in a failed marriage: engagement ring, wedding ring...
And suffering...
How do lions greet people?
"Pleased to eat you!"
How does a koala get from one place to another? On a gondkoala.
There was an old lady from Ghent,
who slept on a bed of cement.
Her bed was well used,
and her body well bruised,
and the back of her head had a dent.
What do you call a magician that lost his magic?
Ian.
Why are men like cars? Because they always pull out before they check to see if anyone else is cumming.
Let's get drinks, cuz I wanna get into the holiday ~spirit~ with you.
I am soup-er into the beautiful girl that I met yesterday at school.
“I’ve got all the money I’ll ever need, if I die by four o’clock.” — Henny Youngman
Looking at the sediment grain size scale, it looks like you’re finer than silt.
What is it called when bigger burgers fall from the sky?
Meatier showers.
What do whales do when they get angry?
They blow up and then let off steam.
Are you a taco?
Cause you sure taco lot
Girl, you must be a possessive pronoun because I think you're mine.
“To be a successful father there’s one absolute rule: when you have a kid, don’t look at it for the first two years.”
- Ernest Hemingway.
A crow invited his buddies over to hang out but they didn’t show up.
He was charged with attempted murder.
"You are adorable, mademoiselle. I study your feet with the microscope and your soul with the telescope."
― Victor Hugo, Les Misérables
What's the use of having the best phone, but not having my number?
I think i spent way too much on this table. It is just not a foldable.
"Having a good hare day."
What's invisible and smells like worms?
Bird farts.
“I like tea and yoga, but I don’t do yoga.” – Moby
Is this the transfiguration?
Because you are glowing.
Why did the hunter miss his mark?
He was not aiming deerectly for it.
I'm from the Outback and I'd like to take you out back.