Why did the frog go to the bank with a gun?
He wanted to robbit.
My Spotify sucks. It showed me the hottest singles, and missed you out!
“If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.”—George Bernard Shaw
A bunch of vampire hunters needed to talk
So they scheduled a stakeholders meeting.
How many realtors are needed to change a bulb?
Five. One to change, and four others to say they would have done it for a lower price.
Call me Kathleen Wynne ‘cause I’d spend all my money on you.
Where do you find the nicest children in the world?
Germany. They're kinder.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Pickle
Pickle who?
Pickle little flower and give it to your mother!
Did you hear about the Italian chef with the terminal illness?
He pastaway. Now he’s just a pizza history.
A guy walks into the bar.
It's hardly surprising he didn't make the steeplechase team, on reflection.
You know what really bugs me?
Insect puns.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Hatch
Hatch who?
God bless you!
Do you know why you need to get up early? Because you’re the sunshine.
Never believe minotaurs...
Half of everything they say is bull.
I’m ready to shamrock and roll.
Another term for hair that's tied up in a bun is
a hairball
Is a mountain goat a hillbilly?
How does a Ghost say good-bye? - I can’t wait to seance you again.
Changed all my passwords to Kenny.
Now all I have are Kenny Loggins.
There's side view, rear view and you know what else?
I loview.
I’m positive I just lost an electron.
Better keep an ion that.
Why doesn't the tooth fairy like dental instruments?
She finds them obtooth.
If an apple a day keeps the doctor away, what does an onion do? Keeps everyone away.
Honey! I know this can be a bit cheesy, but you will always have a big pizza my heart.
How many Chinese folks does it take to screw in a light bulb?
They don't change lightbulbs, then just dim sum.
Where do cats go when they lose their tail? A re-tail store!
Love is a sensation, caused by a temptation, to feel penetration, a guy sticks his location in a girl’s destination, to increase the population for the next generation. Did you get my explanation, or do you need a demonstration?
There was an Old Person of Philæ,
Whose conduct was scroobious and wily;
He rushed up a Palm,
When the weather was calm,
And observed all the ruins of Philæ.
How do you sink a submarine full of blondes? Knock on the door.
What do you call a Pharaoh who plays the trumpet? Tootin'khamun.
Why couldn’t anyone get a job at the ice rink?
There was a hiring freeze.
I'm fascinated by water's gas form.
It mist-ifies me.
Did you hear about the calendar thief? He got 12 months; they say his days are numbered
What is a skeleton’s favorite plant?
A bone-zai tree.
How will a crow with a cold fever sound like? Caw-ph, Caw-ph.
A balding magician had an act where he'd put a rabbit on his head and make it disappear...
The hare vanished into thin hair.
If Mississippi bought Virginia a New Jersey, what would Delaware? Idaho... Alaska!
Why is it annoying to eat next to basketball players?
They dribble all the time.
You might not be America, but I found a whole new world with you.
"Tom Tigercat"
Tom Tigercat is noted
for his manners and his wit.
He wouldn’t think of lion,
No, he doesn’t cheetah bit.
Tom never pretended
to be something that he’s not.
I guess that’s why we like him
and why he likes ocelot.
– J. Patrick Lewis
What do neurons do on their birthdays?
They cell-ebrate
What do you call a sheep covered in chocolate?
A candy baa.
What's a zombie's least favorite quiz question?
A no-brainer.
What do you get when you cross a rabbit with a leaf blower? A hare dryer!
Two Dragons walk into a bar.
1st dragon: It's hot in here
2nd dragon: Shut your mouth.
Turtles keep on winning battles because they are perfect at shelling their enemies.
What do you get when you put four ducks in a box?
A box of quackers.
A slat spreading truck knocked me off my bike last year. I yelled “You idiot!” through gritted teeth.
I want to open a doctors office with a nail salon inside.
It’ll be called “Many Cures and Manicures”.
When you tip the ketchup bottle,
First will come a little, then a lot'll.