Irish I had better jokes.
“Money’s only something you need in case you don’t die tomorrow.” – Carl Fox (Martin Sheen)Wall Street
The best way to get back at someone is to push them in the snow; after all, revenge is a dish best served cold.
Earlier, I tried to sneak into the Star Trek convention disguised as the starship's doctor.
Security soon discoverd, however, I wasn't the real McCoy.
Why did Stalin only write in lower case?
he was afraid of capitalism.
My drug test came back negative. My dealer sure has some explaining to do.
Once I got peas stuck in my ear. I had to make people re-pea-t themselves.
My favourite jokes are skeleton puns
Why? I find them humorous.
“Take a deep breath and try to relax. I promise – Monday will be over soon.”
Why did the snowman name his dog ‘Frost’?
Because ‘Frost’ bites.
Why did the bicycle fall over?
Because it was too tired..
Both tournament directors published the schedule at the same time. It was a draw.
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? I told him everyone knows he doesn't hire stupid people.
Do you also feel the strong gravitational pull of my bed?
What is a tree’s favorite geometry shape? The treeangle.
When you come across a werewolf with no legs, how do you call it? Call it anything because it cannot chase you!
"Do you know what breakfast cereal is made of? It's made of all those little curly wooden shavings you find in pencil sharpeners!"
— Roald Dahl
What do aliens prefer to drink?
Gravi-tea.
England doesn't have a kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
My son asked me how often planes crash
Usually just once
I'd tell you about a girl that eats nothing but vegetables,
but I'm sure you've herbivore.
Wondering about a peach's favorite sci-fi novel? It's 'When You Peach Me'.
What’s orange with bad hair and hears ‘boo’ a lot?
A haunted pumpkin with a wig.
Did you hear about the owl party?
It was a hoot.
When the bread started crying because it was toast, the loaf told him, "You deserve butter."
The ref keeps shafting us the offsides; I think he's blue lyin'.
Q: What do you call a gust of wind that blows a tall guys onto a basketball court?
A: The NBA draft
I should change my name to Billy and get a job as a radio show presenter.
Then I can finally be a Billy-on-air.
I made a bridge out of Kleenex.
I have truss tissues.
You dropped something. My jaw.
Airplane food is always so terrible, so I always pack my own food. Want one of these chocolate covered strawberries?
Can I have some of your avocado?
GUAC NO! I give zero guacs! You need to guac off!
Are you a Victoria's Secret model? Because heaven's missing an Angel.
What do men and pantyhose have in common? They either cling, run, or don't fit right in the crotch!
You are the hottest thing since sunburn.
I usually sing with a deep voice. But when I wash my hands,
I sing faucetto.
Be careful, too many birthdays can kill you!
What do you get if you cross a cat with a parrot? A carrot!
What do you yell at two mummies making out in public?
Get a tomb!
What do potatoes become when they smoke weed?
Baked potatoes.
As the storm was brewing, the madman raised his hands and cried, "Hail Storms! Long may they rain!"
Who's a witch's favorite movie director?
Steven Spellberg.
Why are oranges the smartest fruit?
Because they are made to concentrate.
Does all this rain make you want an ark?
I Noah guy.
Nurse, can I have a little sugar to help the medicine go down?
“When in doubt, yoga it out.” – Unknown
When can a pizza marry a hot dog? After a very frank relationship.
Why is Facebook like jail? You have a profile picture, you sit around all day writing on walls, and you get poked by guys you really don't know.
What do you say when you are happy with how life has been weeks before Easter? It’s so far been an egg-cellent spring.
My physics professor told me I had potential
Then he pushed me off the roof.