Why is pumpkin pie so much better than sweet potato pie?
Sweet potatoes are ungourdly.
Why are blood physicians so rich?
Because blood cells.
What did a viking said to the other after a dad joke?
Aesir what you did there.
Are you a card?
We're perfectly suited for each other
How do you know when a baby koala bear is happy? You’ll see them jump for joey!
You read, white, and blew my mind.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get soap in your mouth.
Then it becomes a soap opera.
What do you call a deer in a storm?
A raindeer
There was a Young Lady whose chin,
Resembled the point of a pin;
So she had it made sharp,
And purchased a harp,
And played several tunes with her chin.
They say March comes in like a lion and goes out like a lamb. Ewe might say it leaves sheepishly.
Did you hear about the new holistic elf doctor?
He's a gnome-opath!
What do you call a cake that likes heavy metal? Megadeth by Chocolate.
Are you doctor recommended? Because I’d like to to get a Hailey dose
Did you hear about the comedian who entertained at a werewolves’ party?
He had them howling all night.
The police officer went to the crime scene and he saw that there had been a murder in the dense grasslands. Guess, we could call it a grass-assination.
My space ship is ready. Wanna ride?
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes.
Now I have Heinzsight.
"I’m too busy working on my own grass to notice if yours is greener."
Why do North Koreans draw the straightest lines?
Because they have a supreme ruler.
I took all the punctuation marks off of the judge's keyboard.
I expect a long sentence.
Why did the Dalmatian have to go to the eye doctor?
He kept seeing spots.
“12 weeks old: when your kid is young enough to fall asleep on your chest, yet long enough to kick you in the nuts at the same time.” – Lin-Manuel Miranda
I know a guy who absolutely loves his pet Parrot.
He is Polly-Amorous.
My history teacher was talking about mythical medieval creatures
Personally, I think the lecture was starting to drag on
What kind of socks does a gardener wear?
Garden hose!
The big black bug bit the big black bear,
but the big black bear bit the big black bug back!
Why did the volleyball player get thrown out of the party? He spiked the punch.
How do you get a farm girl to marry you?
First, a tractor.
Why did the Archaeopteryx always catch the worm?
Because it was an early bird!
You're so pharma-cute-ical!
[Drink] That’s a thirst down!
What is a computer's favorite animal?
A RAM.
So Chanel is making a new perfume made entirely of rain water.
It’s called the Weather Chanel.
What do you call a frog spy?
A croak and dagger agent.
Here today, lepre-gone tomorrow.
You have one compact set.
You’re photos are so great, would it be weird if I made you my screen Xavier?
I hate when I have to stop scuba diving
If makes me deep-pressed
This April fools, I decided to swipe right on only the ugly people on Tinder and then burn them.
Still no matches.
What did the doctor say to the other doctor? We’re both doctors!
How did the ghost get from New York to London? British Scare-ways.
"This is the last straw!"
I shouted to my wife as I put it in my drink...
You’re Isaacly my type
Why is a river an amazing roommate?
He just likes to go with the flow.
What is a tornado's favorite Elton John song? Candle in the Wind!
How do males exercise on the beach? By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.
My father is a farmer who grows strawberries. However, his business has recently gone into liquidation after he made smoothies.
How many insects do you need to make money from your rental property?
Ten-ants.
I was holding a bottle of laundry detergent when all of a sudden it exploded, completely drenching my hands.
Oh well. I guess my hands are Tide.
My neighbor drank so much gravy on a Thanksgiving Day dare that he choked to death.
He went from the ladle to the grave.