You can tickle my ivories anytime, baby.
Knock knock. Who's there?
You're.
You're who?
You're single again.
How do you know if there’s a snowman in your bed?
You wake up wet!
What time do ladies drink wine?
At Wine O'Clock.
My wife, whilst trying to brush my son's hair, told him he was having a bad hair day.
My son replied, "Oh, is it being knotty?"
Mr. and Mrs. Apostrophe are divorcing....
He found her to be possessive- and she hated his contractions. The marriage felt like a sentence
Babe, I just checked Spotify. It says you're this week's hottest new single.
What does a door to door flower salesman do?
Petal his wares.
You can fill my caudate nucleus with dopamine anytime.
During holidays, soccer referees send their families yellow cards.
What is a criminal group of kangaroos called?
A gangaroo.
"Driving fast on the track does not scare me. What scares me is when I drive on the highway I get passed by some idiot who thinks he is Fangio."
– Juan Manuel Fangio
Too bad, if only I’d gnome!
How many mathematicians does it take to change a light bulb?
One—she just gives it to three physicists, thus reducing it to a problem that’s already been solved.
Like the ideal vacuum, you’re the only thing in my universe.
Your love is like vodka.
You were worth the chase.
Do you know why the beaver was found guilty?
Because the prosecutor had damming evidence.
I'm Claus-trophobic.
When Chuck Norris smokes a joint
the weed gets high of Chuck Norris.
A cynical man wishes to a Genie that he would be a psychic.
The Genie nods and snaps his fingers, and the man is warped back to his home.
Eager to see if the Genie was telling the truth, the man tests his power on a friend. When he failed to make the right guess, he shouted in frustration.
"God. I KNEW this would happen!"
“Best Friend: One million memories, ten thousand inside jokes, one hundred shared secrets.”
— Unknown
Why is wind power popular? Because it has a lot of fans!”
A skeleton walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a beer and a mop.
According to a geologist, why is the world so diverse? Because it's made up of alkynes of people.
I've finally started to believe that Pluto is not really a planet...
Especially when I saw him in a cartoon.
Two metal workers got married....
It was a beautiful welding.
What's green and wears a cape?
Super Pickle.
Why couldn't the dragon be a fireman?
Because dragons aren't real.
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? I told him everyone knows he doesn't hire stupid people.
I was at the beach and saw this guy in the water yelling, “Help, shark! Help!
I just laughed because I knew that shark wasn’t going to help him.
“I chose the road less traveled and now I don’t know where I am.”
Your fragrance lights up my life.
What did the father say whilst teaching his kid to tie his shoelaces?
Knot bad
It's so cold that people look forward to getting a fever.
“Deep summer is when laziness finds respectability.”
– Sam Keen
"I carrot wait for the Easter Bunny."
Where there’s a Willow there’s a way… and I hope this was a good way to break the ice
You are so beautiful that you give the sun a reason to shine.
What is most gorillas' favorite book to study in English class at high school?
The Apes Of Wrath.
What did the blanket say to the bed? Don't worry, I've got you covered!
We had made everything for the party and the groom came in, did a quick assessment and didn’t seem amused. “Orange you glad we did this?” we asked him.
"If it's meant to be it's meant to be....but just to be clear it isn't."
What did the Mama Hot Dog say to the little frankfurter? Ketch-up!
I sat on some peas in the car. It was a bumpea ride.
Bagels and baguettes
Bap or fried bake,
The fruits of the flour
are easy to make
Chollah, chapatti,
Cinnamon bun.
These global delights,
make eating such fun.
Filled with Caribbean sweet meat
like Guava jam,
Scottish smoked salmon;
Or Danish roast ham.
Add a fresh fruit salad,
Some sparkling wine,
A candle, red roses and
you’re ready to dine.
(Joanna Davis)
Made a whole bunch of dad jokes at Thanksgiving dinner...
I pulled out all the Pops!
If I could rearrange the alphabet, I’d put I at the beginning and U at the end.
“Is it Monday already? I’m almost positive I did not get my entire portion of the weekend.”
Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?
Roses are red
violets are blue.
I hate poems
even more than I hate you.