When my friend Frank died, his body was cremated and his ashes were placed in a decorative German beer tankard.
Now he's Frank in stein.
Do you celebrate Boxing Day? Because you're the whole package.
Do you know why no one has ever been sentenced for crimes committed on the moon?
Because it's a gray area.
What do you get when you cross a bee and a sheep?
A bah-humbug.
Last night I was but by a bloodsucker from the moon.
Damn lunatics.
What monster plays the most April Fool’s jokes?
Prankenstein!
This summer is going swimmingly.
"Humor is reason gone mad."
You're not just some bunny... you're my bunny.
Are you a sheep cause your body is unbaaaaalievable.
How do you say farewell to a very optimistic insect?
Buoyant!
What kind of tests are witches given in school?
Hex-aminations.
You must be copper because I always cu in my dreams.
Why wasn't the taxidermist invited to Thanksgiving dinner?
No one wanted to try his stuffing
What do penguins drink during the summer?
Iced tea.
“Why do people say they wish every day was Friday? If it was always Friday, we’d be here every freakin’ day.” — Ed Bernard
“Children may be deductible, but they are still taxing.”
“Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won’t be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.” -Henny Youngman
Talking at the local chocolate factory is frowned on. When I’m there, I need to wispa.
Last evening I walked up the hill in the park to see the planets. Stumbled over a lip in the concrete and went down pretty hard. Ripped pants and skinned hands and knees. When I got to the top I couldn't see a thing.
The view was NOT worth the trip.
I can score more often than the average soccer player.
When the onion band covered the song Waka Waka by Shakira, they started calling the song 'Walla Walla'.
So I was in the library when this cute girl came up and asked to borrow my external hard drive
It was at this point I realized she wanted the (D:)
I went drinking with a bunch of kangaroos last night and they didn't buy me one drink all evening..
Talk about short arms long pockets...
I use to support higher spending on education. But then I learned a harsh truth. No matter how smart we we make children,
50% of them will still be below average.
“I’m not retiring, I am graduating . . . retirement means that you’ll just go ahead and live on your laurels and surf all day in Oceanside. It ain’t going to happen.” – Junior Seau
A pig and a horse walk into a movie theater.
The horse didn't feel like buying popcorn so he brought some hay. A theater employee saw him and said. "Are you sneaking outside food into the theater?"
The horse said "nay."
The pig squealed.
What drink brings you down to earth? Gravi-Tea.
If you know a person's name: "Hi, [name]."
How did you know my name?
"Isn't every beautiful girl named that?"
For my wife's birthday, I bought her some beads for her abacus
It's the little things that count.
"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."
They say one man's trash is another man's treasure. I hope you find someone who treasures you.
Why did everyone want to go to Italy during World War II?
They were Fascistanating.
Did you hear about the emperor penguin?
He had a freezing reign!
I don't know what Dracula's address is, but I'm pretty sure he lives on a dead end street.
“When you’re in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, ‘D***, that was fun.'”
— Groucho Marx
Did you hear about the chicken who could only lay eggs in the winter?
She was no spring chicken.
What kind of tea do babies drink? Tit Tea.
What do goblins and ghosts drink when they’re hot and thirsty on Halloween?
Ghoul-aid!!!
My husband slapped a fly off the door and said 'Not on my watch!'
I told him "That's a door"
My friend keeps joking about the thing he has to wear to cover his mouth while he's exercising outside.
It's a running gag.
I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I’m doing.
Another term for hair that's tied up in a bun is
a hairball
Hey, babe. I think it's time we take our relationship to the previous level.
“Few things are more satisfying than seeing your own children have teenagers of their own.”
—Doug Larson
What do you call two banana skins?
A pair of slippers.
I had to do something about my addiction to Thanksgiving leftovers.
Cold turkey was the only way to do it.
Why did the log fall into a creek? Because that's how it ROLLS!
“It takes less time to do a thing right, than it does to explain why you did it wrong.” — Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
All the contestants at the pig Olympics were very happy with their prizes. They each won pork medallions.