There once was a girl called Jane,
who thought she had a really big brain.
She thought she was cool,
standing in a puddle of drool,
but really she was just insane.
A chemist plants a seed.
He takes good care of it every day. He waters it and fertilizes the soil around it. As it becomes a big and healthy tree, the chemist thinks to himself: What a good chemist-tree.
Where do astronauts buy their milk? From the milky way!!!
I do find that flamingos don’t plan very well for the future… They’re too prone to putting all their eggs in the one basket.
“If owl parties aren't called hootenannies, this world will never make sense again."
- Reverend Badger
There once was a man from Peru,
his limericks always end on line two.
From one vegan to another – I think you’re fern-tastic, and I’ll never leaf you baby.
What do cows get when they are sick? Hay Fever.
What does Santa Claus say when he flies through a rainbow? Hue hue hue, merry Christmas!
A hippie when his opponent disputes his calls: That’s pretty far-out, man!
What kind of hair style does a bee get?
A buzz cut
It’s too bad that bread puns are always so crumby. Mmm . . . crumbs.
What did the alien say to the garden? Take me to your weeder.
“I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.”
Zach Galifianakis
What is the difference between a cow that produces normal milk and a cow that produces chocolate milk?
A mootation
What do you call a periodic table with gold missing? "Au revoir"
A guy just walked into my store and bought a bunch of fog machines so I called the cops.
He must belong to an extreme mist organization.
There was an announcement on the news the other day, we've finally achieved world peas.
“Marriage is work. Marriage is a career. It's not an adventure, you do more before five than most folks do all day.”— Sinbad
Babe, your eyes are bluer than the ocean Columbus sailed… and I’m lost at sea.
The only time a basketball team can chase a baseball team is five after nine.
"Santa’s pretty stelfy going down the chimney, don’t you think?" said one elf to another.
You’re giving me torticollis by the way you’re making my head turn.
"I'm not a stop along the way. I'm a destination."
- Gossip Girl
Can you run with me so I can tell my friends I've ran with an angel?
Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
Samson. He brought the house down.
What do you call a steak hurtling through space? A meat-ior!
When I read Philippians 4:8, I think about you.
Why were the melon lovers sad?
Because they cantaloupe.
What do you call a fat kid who likes chocolate milk?
An OvalTeen
Why did the hen lay her egg on the axe?
She wanted to hatchet.
It says right here that this frozen pizza is enough for two.
Would you like to upsize your meal and get my number for free today?
Love's a feeling you feel when you feel
you're going to feel the feeling you've never felt before.
I really hate rock puns.
My sediments exactly.
What do you call a parrot with an umbrella? Polly unsaturated.
How do you draw flies?
With a pencil!
You're so fine that I wouldn't care if you were dead or alive!
I don’t believe in boats
I have yacht to see one.
What did the train conductor say to the kangaroo?
“Hop on!”
My friend uses a white crow to protect his farm from other crows
He calls it a rarecrow
You wanna score or just knock around some soccer balls?
The word says "Give drink to those who are thirsty, and feed the hungry."
How about dinner?
I won't take no for an answer. I'm having Nunavut.
“Time spent with cats is never wasted.”
Sigmund Freud
“Friends come and go, like the waves of the ocean, but the true ones stay, like an octopus on your face.”
— Unknown
My physics teacher told me i had so much potential, so much energy.
Then I fell down the stairs and lost it all.
I should change my name to Billy and get a job as a radio show presenter.
Then I can finally be a Billy-on-air.
What did the boy without hands get for his birthday?
Nobody knows, he hasn't got the package open yet.
Why don’t pigs eat cake? Because they’re morally opposed to bacon.