What’s the leading cause of dry skin?
Towels.
How did Benjamin Franklin feel when he discovered electricity?
Shocked!
Hi, you’re so beautiful you made me forget my pick up line. Would you settle for just flowers?
"Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse."
What did one cell say to his sister cell when she stepped in his toe? Mitosis.
You are more precious than my blue suede shoes
Green seemed to disappear from the rainbow it came back in full force, olive and kicking.
Whats the best cheese to coax a bear down a mountain? Camembert (Come On Bear)
“Only married people can understand how you can be miserable and happy at the same time." —Chris Rock
Hitler jokes are rude, Anne Frankly I don't care.
What is the difference between a deer nut and a beer nut?
“A beer nut is often more than a buck but a deer nut is always under a buck.”
"Husbands are like fires - they go out when unattended." - Zsa Zsa Gabor
French history is nothing to Lafayette at.
10 saxophone players blew up a theatre...
authorities are on the lookout for the tenorists.
“Once you sign on to be a mother, 24/7 is the only shift they offer.”
- Jodi Picoult.
What happened when an orange, an apple, and a banana all went on a picnic together?
They had a “fruit-ful” day.
“It wouldn’t be Thanksgiving without a little emotional scarring.” — Timothy Burke, “Friends”
What do you call a bad cheese grater?
A cheese lesser.
What goes through towns, up & over hills, but doesn't move? The road!
I'm actually way hotter than poutin.
What do you call a group of friends in California?
A startup.
Why was the broom late? It over swept!
I can't stand stair lifts.
They drive me up the wall!
Beach, please.
My love for you is like dividing by zero… It can’t be defined!
What do you call a communist violin?
The second Fidel.
What does an exhibitionist snake wear to the beach?
A pythong.
Me: I just burned 2000 calories in 20 minutes.
Friend: How?
Me: I forgot to take my brownies out of the oven.
What’s the best time of year to break out the trampoline?
Spring-time!
What's yellow and always points to the north? A magnetic banana.
What do you call a musician with problems? a trebled man.
What do you say when you find the perfect font?
You’re just my type!
What's green and hangs from trees? Dinosaur snot.
What do you call a truck-load of tortoises crashing into a train-load of terrapins?
A turtle disaster.
Today I learned some people have a phobia of flushing the toilet.
That must be a sh***y phobia to have.
What do you call a group of chickens clucking in unison?
A Hensemble.
You must be chlorine cause you are polarizing my bond.
How does herpes get out of the hospital ?
On crotches.
Did you know that the soldiers at Arlington salute their new Jack-o-Lanterns every Halloween?
They always honor the changing of the Gourd.
Are you a Frappuccino? Because I want to be that whipped cream on the top.
Wolves love taking woofles for breakfast, they are sweet and amazing.
Since it's Mothers Day weekend, I decided to make sure my wife woke up with a BIG SMILE on her face this morning...
Now I can't have Sharpies in the house anymore.
Why can't college professors take exams at a zoo? Because there are too many cheetahs.
“If each day is a “gift,” I’d like to know where I can return the Monday.”
My eyes are full of tears
That they can see no more
I wish you were here
To chop these onions for me.
(Unknown)
I cannot espresso
how much you mean to me.
"Love is an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." - Jules Renard
"Listen, smile, agree, and then do whatever you were gonna do anyway."
― Robert Downey Jr.
You're the cutest jailbird I ever did see, I sure would be delighted with your company.
Why was the Whale bank heist so successful?
Because it was a whale orca-strated plan