You must be the iceberg from Titanic and I'm the ship because tonight we're gonna smash.
Italians are so good at making coffee because they naturally like to espresso themselves.
Why did the giant use clouds to make pancakes? To make them light and fluffy.
The bottom of the butter bucket is the buttered bucket bottom.
What is black, white and dead all over?
A zombie in a tuxedo.
Last winter was so cold, I couldn’t stop telling my wife how much I glove her.
Why do blondes wear ponytails? To hide the valve stem!
Why did the electricity documentary get such mixed reviews?
People weren’t sure how to feel after it’s shocking ending.
How do you get rid of a cold?
Turn the heating on.
Why did the obtuse Triangle go to the beach?
Because it was more than 90°.
Rich people are born with a silver spoon in their mouth.
But polite french people are born with a s'il vous plaît.
A wolfswagon rabbit is by far the best car you can gift a wolf.
It's getting hard to zinc of new science puns because so many of them argon.
What do you call a truck towing a smaller truck?
A mother trucker
Why did the duck cross the road?
He was tied to the chicken.
“No man goes before his time—unless the boss leaves early.” — Groucho Marx
Did you hear about the two silk worms in a race?
It ended in a tie.
Who is running the corona virus relief?
WHO??
"People who say “Good morning” should be forced to prove it."
– Unknown
“The safest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it in your pocket.” – Kin Hubbard
Why aren't there more Bigfoot jokes?
There are, but they're really hard to find!
Why do chickens lay eggs?
Because if they dropped them, they’d break.
What should the real name for a colonoscopy be?
A colonoscopoo.
Why did the cat decide to sleep under the car? Because she wanted to wake up oily!
As I put the car in reverse, I thought to myself:
"This really takes me back".
What do you call a man with no body and just a nose? Nobody nose.
Why are eyes always the last organ harvested?
because they dilate.
If I could rearrange the alphabet...
I'd leave it the way it is.
Don't fork-get your manners.
If I was a planet and you, my moon! I’d stop spinning just by looking at you.
“I just want to be friends. Plus a little extra. Also, I love you.” - Dwight Schrute, 'The Office'
Where does a Knights templar keep his valuables?
A deus vult
Everyone makes fun of him for using old coffee, but he insists it has the greatest sedimental value.
What do you call for injured ants?
The ant-bulance.
Chuck Norris puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter".
What would a barefoot man get if he stepped on an electric fence? A pair of shocks.”
Chuck Norris walks into a bar...
The bar breaks in half.
Why did the potato wear socks?
To keep his pota-toes warm.
I know this bird who was excluded from his flock for being too big
He was ostrich-sized.
Which is the building is the largest? The library because it has the most stories.
What did the fishermen say to the fish that swam away? "You bass-tard!"
What do you call a militia of pigeons?
A coo.
There once was a colour named orange,
...Damnit.
The two loaves of bread could not wait to stare through the delivery room window. They wanted to see their new bun-dle of joy.
You looking at me is making me turn as red as that roasted beet salad.
Q. Why did the girl-illa win the beauty contest?
A. She was beast of show!
Why should you never share a bed with a pig? They hog all the covers.
Girl, you're so expensive, my insurance is requiring prior authorization before our first date.
“If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.”
- Mark Twain.
“Keep the dream alive: Hit the snooze button.”
— Punit Ghadge