Dogs can't see your bones.
But catscan.
What do elephants call their mother's sister?
Eleph-aunt.
"Don’t worry about what other people think. They don’t do it very often."
Anonymous
Q: Why are ghosts scared of mummies?
A: They tear up the ghost's sheets
What do you call someone who rips up books?
A tear-orist.
Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board
My son asked me how often planes crash
Usually just once
Just call me your baby, cause I wanna be inside you for the next 9 months.
This foundation is rock salad.
When you’re smooching with your honey, and your nose is kinda runny, you may think it’s kinda funny, but it snot.
What do you call a royal giraffe?
Your highness.
This is the first year I’m not going to Italy because of the coronavirus.
Normally I don’t go because I’m poor.
Today was a terrible day. First my ex got hit by a bus.
Then I lost my job as a driver.
What's the difference between Hanukkah and dragons?
One is eight nights while the other ate knights.
Why wasn’t the giraffe invited to the party?
He was a pain in the neck.
“Some family trees bear an enormous crop of nuts.”—Wayne Huizenga
Q: How can you tell if an elephant has been in your refrigerator?
By the footprints in the butter!
What does an alcoholic flower say when they reach out for help?
Lilac the ability to stop.
What did the football player say to the flight attendant?
"Put me in coach."
What did the M&M go to college? Because he wanted to be a Smarty.
“My wife is a psychologist… Not only does she know when I’m being a jerk, but she knows exactly what type of jerk I’m being.”—Lee Judge
The sixth sick sheik’s sixth sheep’s sick.
My dad refused to accept that he was not hiking in a mountain called Mt. McKinley
He was in Denali.
Digital burgers are nothing but processed meat.
My father gave me a peach. I told him that I wanted a pear. So he gave me another peach.
Are you a pranayama teacher? Because you just took my breath away.
A flying turtle is called a shellicopter.
My moment in the sun.
“I once heard a joke about amnesia, but I forgot how it goes.”
What kind of apple has a short temper? A crab apple.
I am pretty sure that the favourite soup of Dracula is the Scream of tomato.
What do you think they use in space, when they run out of the drinking cups? The Big Dipper.
How does the weather tie its shoes? Witha rainbow!
In an attempt to deter computer hackers I've changed all my passwords to 'Brazil Nut'
That will be a hard one to crack.
Who is king of all the mice?
Mouse Tse Tung!
I gave my heart to a girl from Great Britain.
She turns around and Brexit into a million pieces.
“The best thing to ever happen to marriage is the pause-live-TV button.” —Rick Reilly
Can’t believe I’ve gone this long in my life without Ben by your side
Where do flies go for a holiday?
Flywaii.
I keep telling my wife I want a Segway for my birthday.
But every time I bring it up, she changes the topic.
Heisenberg was wrong. I'm certain about what you're doing tonight.
Did you hear about the viking who hit his thumb with a hammer and bit his tongue?
It was Thor.
Which hand should we use to stir the soup? It is better to stir the soup with a spoon!
A reporter was interviewing a 104 year-old woman:
"And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked.
She thought for a moment and said, "No peer pressure."
As the crowded elevator descended, Mrs. Simpson became too furious with her husband, who was delighted to be pressed against a gorgeous blonde.
As the elevator stopped at the main floor, the blonde suddenly whirled, slapped Mr. Simpson, and said, "That will teach you to pinch!"
Bewildered, Mr. Simpson was halfway to the parking lot with his wife when he choked, "I...I...didn't pinch that girl."
"Of course you didn't" said his wife, consolingly. "I did."
What do you think the boy star told the girl star? I really glow for you.
When you come across oranges wearing suntan lotion, don’t judge them harshly. They do so in order not to peel.
"Only on a cruise shiip will you pay hundreds of dollar a day to sleep in a closet."
What happened when Frankenstein’s monster first met his girlfriend?
It was love at first fright.
What is the difference between a dirty bus stop, and a crab with breast implants?
Ones a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean!