Why is milk taller than you?
Because it's always pasteurize
Nice Ass-teroid.
"As a man in a relationship, you have a choice: you can be right or you can be happy."
- Ralphie May
You heard about the Spanish woman that is now a man?
He’s called Senor Rita.
"A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running."
I started sleeping on the left side of the bed
It just doesn't feel right.
How do you get rid of a witch’s hex?
Draw a hex-a-gone.
“The trouble with the IRS is that 90% of its members give the rest a bad name.”
"Grandpa’s Nose"
Grandpa’s nose is rather big
it’s shaped just like a horn
It doesn’t bother Grandpa,
he says that’s how he was born
I’m glad it’s not a ‘pick’ a lo
or a snooty flute
but when people hear him ‘toot’ his nose
they stand up and salute.
– Judy Valko
Why did the wife divorce the baker?
Because he was much too kneady.
"There is absolutely nothing to be said in favor of growing old. There ought to be legislation against it." - Patrick Moore
I'd cut the grass but it's against the lawn.
Did you hear about the new book called "100 Miles to the Next Restroom"?
It's by Will E. Mayket and Betty Wunt.
Hey girl, I hope you see that I'm not like all the otters!
How can you tell if your man is happy? Who cares?
This weekend, I will watch a new Irish movie based on a marathon runner who only ate potatoes. It is called Starch Trek.
Betty Botter bought some butter but, said she, the butter’s bitter.
If I put it in my batter, it will make my batter bitter.
But a bit of better butter will make my bitter batter better.
So she bought some better butter, better than the bitter butter,
put it in her bitter batter, made her bitter batter better.
So ‘t was better Betty Botter bought some better butter.
At a get-together, one fruit asked another "I was wondering how have you been". The other replied "Just peachy, isn't that grape?"
What do you call a mosquito with a turbo?
A bug-hati.
What did the rainbow say to the other rainbow? Nothing, it was feeling blue.
You know, the heart’s the hungriest organ.
It has the heartiest appetite.
Your sweater must be made out of wife material.
Beach you to it.
Q: What anime series do fruits like to watch?
A: One peach.
The other day someone made fun of my ears for hanging down too far.
Lobe low, dude.
If you look at the map of my heart, it says 'You are here.'
“Family life is a bit like a runny peach pie, not perfect but who’s complaining?”
- Robert Brault.
You must be mitochondria because you are the powerhouse of my heart.
I always knew that some knights had names that described their personality (like Lancelot the Brave), but I didn't realise nuns did that too until I became one...
I was Nun the Wiser.
Which is the longest word in the dictionary? "Smiles", because there is a mile between each "s"!
“How was your day? ” “It was a total disas-tater”
It’s so hot that corn on the stalks starts popping.
Q. Which deer was a fascist dictator?
A. Moose Al Ini.
What do you call a small mosque in Spain?
A mosquito!
What's the wind's favourite colour?
Blew
I joined the French Submarine Corps to learn how to deal with the loss of a loved one.
They taught me periscoping techniques.
"There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments." - Chris Rock
Do you know about April 1st?
Yes, I’m fooly aware of it!
I bought my missus an egg-beater for our wedding anniversary.
I knew she wanted me to whisk her away.
Why did the picture go to jail? Because it was framed.
“I work for myself, which is fun. Except when I call in sick, I know I’m lying. – Rita Rudner
“My keyboard must be broken, I keep hitting the escape key, but I’m still at work.” — Author Unknown
Why don't some men have a mid-life crisis? They're stuck in adolescence.
Girl I just gotta get you. Call it animal instinct.
The head surgeon shouted at me for accidentally severing the patient's spine.
I think I struck a nerve.
Why are environmentalists attracted to electricity? It’s natural.”
“Nothing in life is fun for the whole family. There are no massage parlors with ice cream and free jewelry.”
- Jerry Seinfeld
Minding my own business, when someone I thought was my friend threw a serving plate full of bumblebees at me.
I was bee-trayed.
I recently got two German Shepherds. Because
I wanted some paw-dy guards.
I saw you and I pictured us as swans, we could mate for life.