How did the shark plead in the murder case?
Not gill-ty.
I told my dad I wanted world peace. He said whirled peas sounded horrible.
The good pony apologized to the tiger at the zoo for his sore throat, he said: "I am sorry, I am a little horse."
What does a well-educated owl say?
Whom.
“What do dogs do on their day off? Can’t lie around – that’s their job.”
- George Carlin.
Are you a unicorn cause you are my fantasy.
Pavlov is sitting at a pub enjoying a pint. The phone rings and he jumps up shouting, "Damn, I forgot to feed the dog!"
What dinosaur knows a lot of synonyms? A thesaurus.
My boyfriend broke up with me because he says I'm too 'controlling'.
Funny thing is, I don't remember giving him permission to speak.
Q: How do mummies hide?
A: They use masking tape
Can I tell you a joke about paper. Nah, never mind, its tearable.
"If she happens to fall, I’ll be there to laugh at first and then help her up afterwards." — J.A. Redmerski
Have you seen the gators on skateboards, they are great alli-skaters.
Why do mice need oiling ?
Because they squeak !
What do you call a bee that makes a milk?
Boo-bee
Can I check the tag on your clothes?
Why, because I'm made in heaven?
No, because your sweating profusely through your armpits and I want to avoid purchasing this fabric in the future.
Vampires love corny jokes and puns. I don't think they're funny, but it's probably to do with them being pun-dead.
What is the trees favorite fruit? Pine-apple.
What kind of person would sell someone a sham-rock?
A lepre-con!
How did murderers hide the body in medieval times?
They start by dragon it.
What did the doctor tell the skeleton who wanted to donate his body to science?
Spine on the dotted line.
My love for you is like cancer, it just keeps growing and growing.
How many legs does a dog have if you call the tail a leg? Four. Calling a tail a leg doesn't make it a leg.
Abraham Lincoln
Wow, you're so cool in this hot weather that my freezer is jealous of you.
There was an Old Man of the coast,
Who placidly sat on a post;
But when it was cold
He relinquished his hold
And called for some hot buttered toast.
That's right; I'm as breathtaking as the Sydney Tower.
What do you get if you cross a kangaroo and a sheep?
A woolly good jumper.
Which side of a duck has the most feathers?
The outside.
What do you call a nut on a Wheelchair?
“A busted nut.”
Have you heard about the guy who made a bomb out of a brain?
It was pretty mindblowing.
Did you hear about the wisdom tooth who got smart with the dentist?
[removed]
My family visited a rude psychic, with degenerative bone disease, who insisted all of us had bad breath.
She was a super callous fragile mystic expecting halitosis.
"What is a home without children. Quiet." – Henny Youngman
“Cooking Tip: Wrap turkey leftover in aluminum foil and throw them out.” —Nicole Hollander
Why did the unemployed man get excited while looking through his Bible?
He thought he saw a job.
"Physically I’m here. Mentally I’m in a pool in Bali ordering my third mojito."
I called the cops about a murder on my front lawn…
But they said they couldn’t do anything about crows and to stop calling them.
Why did the skeleton go to the daycare?
To get his Kidneys.
Physics puns are no joke. It’s a relatively dark matter.
The zookeeper told me I wasn’t allowed to buy the animals so I asked why the zebra had a barcode.
I get so mad when the heater is on.
I don't know why, I just lose my cool.
With a calendar, your days are numbered.
What kind of driver never get a parking ticket? A screw driver
I like dad jokes but I don’t have any kids. I guess that makes me a faux pa.
What if soy milk is just regular milk that's trying to introduce itself in Spanish?
I was going to smoke a turkey this Thanksgiving.
But they banned flavored vapes.
A musical strawberry jam that knows how to play the trumpet is called Tooty fruity.
Man: Any Generic Pick Up Line
Woman: "I like your approach, now let's see your departure."
When autumn arrives, the evergreen tree asked the deciduous tree, "Leafing so soon?'
If you where a sheep I would clone you.