The winning home run didn't surprise the hitter. He did it all without batting an eye.The baseball player loved his treadmill and all the home runs.
Baby, you’re like a student and I am like a math book, you solve all my problems.
Why does it take so long to shave a giant sheep with normal-sized clippers?
Shear size.
Why was the werewolf arrested at the butchers shop?
He was caught chop lifting.
The word says "Give drink to those who are thirsty, and feed the hungry."
How about dinner?
Life is brew-tiful!
Why is it always quiet in the forest? Because all of the trees sleep like a dog.
Why did the Russian vaccine cross the road?
To get to the other side effects.
Scientists have genetically modified a Venus Fly Trap to have the skin of a cactus
They say its bark is worse than its bite.
On the first day of training for parachute jumping, a blonde listened intently to the instructor.
He told them to start preparing for landing when they are at 300 feet.
The blonde asked, “How am I supposed to know when I’m at 300 feet?”
“That’s a good question. When you get to 300 feet, you'll be able to recognize the faces of people on the ground.”
After pondering his answer, she asked, “What happens if there’s no one there I know?”
"If the hill has its own name, then it's probably a pretty tough hill."
Marty Stern
How did Cleopatra feel when she learned she was queen of Egypt?
She was in denial
Why can't we make jokes about the cutlery incident?
It's too spoon.
Are you the moon? Because even when it’s dark you still seem to shine.
What goes ‘Cackle, cackle, cackle, bonk’?
A witch laughing her head off.
Have you read the book about hands? It’s a real page turner.
The stage is the most hygienic place in the world. Every time we turn on the lights they get a wash.
It was so cold the mice were playing ice hockey in the toilet bowl.
‘Tis the sea-sun to be jolly.
An instructor in chemical warfare asked soldiers in his class: "Anyone knows the formula for water?"
"Sure. That's easy," said one man.
"What is it?"
"H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O."
"What, what?" reasked the instructor.
"H to O," explained the chemistry expert.
"Grandpa’s Nose"
Grandpa’s nose is rather big
it’s shaped just like a horn
It doesn’t bother Grandpa,
he says that’s how he was born
I’m glad it’s not a ‘pick’ a lo
or a snooty flute
but when people hear him ‘toot’ his nose
they stand up and salute.
– Judy Valko
What kind of spells do leprechauns use?
Lucky Charms!
“Who is rich? He that is content. Who is that? Nobody.” – Benjamin Franklin
You know you’re getting old when…
Things you buy now won’t wear out.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road ? The chicken hadn't evolved yet!
"Life is a moderately good play with a badly written third act." - Truman Capote
My physics teacher asked, “So why is v-naught 0?”
I replied, “y-naught?”
I don’t know your name, but I’m sure it’s as beautiful as you are.
What did the woodworm say to the chair?
It's been nice gnawing you.
Why did the realtor open a bakery shop?
Because he was dealing in dough!
Q. Why are orange jokes so dumb?
A. Because oranges are afraid to concentrate.
Do you want to Australian Kiss?
I just got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They told me I wasn't putting in enough shifts.
You must be peanut butter because you're making my legs feel like jelly.
What do you call a potato that smokes weed? A baked potato.
A spider, a snake, and a kangaroo walk into a bar…
It’s a normal day in Australia.
A goat came out of nowhere and headbutted me
It was a ram-done act of violence
Are you a verb? Because you look a little tense, but I can put you in the mood.
"You can live to be a hundred if you give up all things that make you want to live to be a hundred." - Woody Allen
What day to eggs hate the most?
Fry-day.
What is the difference between a cow that produces normal milk and a cow that produces chocolate milk?
A mootation
What is the charge for beating someone with a bottle of olive oil and a can of chick peas ?
Attempted Hummus-ide.
The sweater I bought recently kept picking up static-electricity, so I returned it to the store.
They gave me another one, free of charge.
It is not really much about how you bowl, but instead how you roll.
How did the baker cut four loaves of bread at the same time? By buying a four-loaf-cleaver.
What did the light bulb say to the generator? ‘I really get a charge out of you!”
A scarecrow's favorite fruit to eat is straw-berry.
The artist was great. He could always draw a crowd.
I used to search for clams on the beach
But then I pulled a mussel.
Why did the wizard rush to the hospital?
He had a staff infection.