What part of the military do zombies serve in?
The marine corpse.

Why did the pharaoh go to the dentist?
Egypt his tooth.

How do you stop your dog from barking in your front yard?
Put him in your backyard.

I just tossed a penny into the fountain, want to make my wish come true?

Hey babe - are you the ex leader of the Australian Democrats because I'd love to Despoja.

Wolves love taking woofles for breakfast, they are sweet and amazing.

What did the kangaroo say while volunteering at the homeless shelter?
More-soup-y’all?

Is that the sun coming up... or is that just you lighting up my world?

If I was an enzyme, I'd be helicase so I could unzip your genes.

“If you want to be sure that you never forget your wife’s birthday, just try forgetting it once.” —Aldo Cammarota

There once was a koala who could run at a speed of more than 800 miles per hour. He was the first koala to break the sound bearier.

My wife was trying to feed our son a pear, and he was refusing.
I said, Good news. Our son is immune to pear pressure.

What's an inmates favorite food? Cellery.

"You had me at merlot."

You’re once, twice, three times a lady.

Have you heard of the story about the campanologist without arms?
Doesn't ring a bell.

When were rock puns the funniest?
During the stone age.

Deja brew all over again.

What did the witch get her cat for entertainment?
A cat-alog.

Ok, so if the Corona Virus isn't about beer, why do I keep hearing about cases of it?

What do you call friends with airpods in their ears
Earbuds.

Basketball is the only sport where the basket is filled but never gets full.

When the egg saw the pan, it was terri-fried.

A painter who lived in Great Britain,
Interrupted two girls with their knitting,
He said, with a sigh,
That park bench--well I,
Just painted it, right where you're sitting.

Why did Noah have to punish the chickens on the Ark?
They were using fowl language.

"Remember, beneath every cynic there lies a romantic, and probably an injured one." — Benjamin Franklin

What kind of fire moistens?
A humidifier.

Oof – is the Aaron here really fresh or is that just you?

“Once you sign on to be a mother, 24/7 is the only shift they offer.”

- Jodi Picoult.

What do you call a dinosaur that's a loud sleeper? A Snore-a-sorus

Stores are running out of toilet paper again.
They’re wiped out.

Why did the aspen date the poplar? She really found him to be in-tree-guing.

Hey baby, are you a cloud server?
Because I have something to upload from my hard drive.

What’s the difference between a school bus driver and a winter cold? One knows all the stops, and the other stops the nose.

How does Big Foot find his way through the deepest darkest forests?
He just follows the big footpath!

What does bread say to a friend after doing them a favor?
It’s the yeast I could do.

Why does algebra make you a better dancer?
Because you can use algo-rhythm.

What do you get when you mix LSD and birth control? A trip without the kids.

My mother's mother hit the jackpot at the BINGO!!!
She's a grammy winner!

What do you get when you play Tug-of-War with a pig? Pulled-Pork

"My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people."
— Orson Welles

"Aerodynamic Mishap"

I made a paper aeroplane,
It really was the best.
I took my time to make it right,
To that I can attest!

I’d planned it all so thoroughly,
I’d sketched from either side.
I knew that all would be amazed,
To see it swoop and dive.

But its first flight was not to plan,
Though it soared up high.
The teacher turned, it crashed and burned,
And hit her in the eye!

My plane, screwed up, went in the bin,
All agreed it was a shame.
But my teacher’s got a big black eye,
And I’m the one to blame!

– Gareth Lancaster

Do you beer-lieve in magic?

You know what they say, wheat fields are made for sowing.

Why did the turkey sit on the tomahawk? To hatchet.

Did you hear about that show that tests the listening skills of vegetables?
Its tests the ears of its corn-testants.

I spilled some acid on my aluminum fork and it dissolved…
but I didn’t mean to! It was an oxidant.

What do you call the age of a pilgrim? Pilgrimage.

Why do teenagers travel in groups of 3 or 5?
Because they can’t even.

I heard this pun about a cheese grater the other day...
It was a grate joke.