Watson: Holmes, What kind of rock is this?
Holmes: Sedimentary, my dear Watson.
Just promise you won’t tamper with my heart.
In spite of all restrictions because of Covid, diplomats are allowed to travel freely across countries.
Because they have immunity.
What do you call a toilet perched on top of an active volcano?
The lavatory.
What kind of work do pigs do after school?
Hamwork.
Why do Earth Science professors like to teach about ammonia?
Because it's basic material.
I saved a tiny baby crow and now he won't leave, I guess you could say he's mi-cro.
In the last peach race, I put $30 peach way on two new racers.
What did Avogadro teach his students in math class?
Mole-tiplication
Why are tigers striped? Because they never want to be spotted.
What did the cheese call himself after he got dumped?
Forever provolone.
I'm no Joseph. Perhaps you can help me interpreting the dreams I've been having about you?
Why did the bear quit his job at the daycare center?
It was panda-monium.
I was prepping the raw turkey for Thanksgiving dinner
It was fowl.
The fruit politician is losing its support in the country because of hate peach.
What did the WiFi router say when it was unplugged?
"Tell my wifi love her
“Parenting Tip: If your child is crying, hold it close and whisper, 'You don’t have a clue what horrors this world holds.'”
- Rob Delaney.
How do you hold a bat?
By the wings.
Did you know that LSD is a really effective weight loss drug?
How are you supposed to eat if there’s a dragon guarding the fridge?
What do you call a lie told by a skeleton?
A fibula.
How do you make a telephone in the jungle?
With toucans and a piece of string.
Honey, I need you to cancel my subscription. I’m done with your issues.
“Think of how stupid the average person is and realize half of them are stupider than that.”
– George Carlin
What did the scientist say when he found 2 isotopes of helium?
"HeHe."
Make it rein.
I wasn’t sure if I should make the first move… but I was raised to never Jack down from an opportunity
What mouse was a Roman emperor? Julius Cheeser!
What Do You Call A Clever Duck?
A wise quacker
Love me till ice cream.
You are the object of my preposition.
We've all heard about elf on a shelf, but have you ever heard of troll on a poll?
What happens when you cross a cell phone with a skunk?
You get stinky service!
“It’s always darkest before the dawn. So if you’re going to steal your neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.”
Navjot Singh Sidhu
Why do old artists never die? They just put things in perspective.
Why did the fruit bat eat the orange?
“Because it had appeal.”
Hey (say their name), I know this is not a chat room but my lips want to chat with yours.
"One man alone can be pretty dumb sometimes, but for real bona fide stupidity, nothin' can beat teamwork."
- Edward Abbey
"A stupid person laughs three times at a joke; once when everyone else is laughing, a second time when he actually gets the joke, and a third time when he realizes he was laughing without getting the joke at first."
"I have to exercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing."
- Marsha Doble
I asked the pianist if he could play the Chick Pea Song.
He said, "Maybe. Can you hummus a few bars?'
While teaching about the Mongol Empire in History class, our teacher told us, "If anyone Khan, Genghis Khan."
Why was the meat packer arrested? For bringing home the bacon.
What time do you have to be back in heaven?
"They were a people so primitive they did not know how to get money, except by working for it." ~ Joseph Addison
What’s a goat’s favorite musical?
Joseph and his Amazing Technicolor Dream Goat.
Why did the fairy play football?
Because she was fairy sportable!
I’ve always liked one-liners. That’s why I’m a fan of monorails.
Did you hear about the elusive skating watermelon thief? Not really, the only description they got was a Caucasian melon wheels.
Do you know the difference between you and the new phone? The new iPhone costs $1,000 and you are priceless.
Why did the ski instructor ask for a divorce?
He found out his wife is a real flake.