“Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad example.”
Francois de La Rochefoucauld
I’ve just read that according to statistics, donkeys kill more people every year than sharks.
I better watch my ass.
What do you call a snowman with a six pack? An abdominal snowman.
"Help me! I'm on a family vacation!"
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me... they're cramming for their final exam. -- George Carlin
The biggest irony in the world's history is that the Russian alphabet has no letters in lowercase. It is all Capitalization.
What do you call a freezing bear?
A brrrrrrr.
Water you doing on [date]?
If art became imprisoned we'd have to Freda art.
Your lips may be saying no, but your endorphins are saying yes.
I said to her, are going to eat that whole plate of spaghetti??
She said: no, it's in pasta bowl
What do you get when your cross a bear and a tiger?
A bear and a tiger seeking revenge.
A spider, a snake, and a kangaroo walk into a bar…
It’s a normal day in Australia.
Why don’t elephants like to ride on trains? Because they hate leaving their trunks in the baggage car.
Why do dwarves live in mountains?
They dig it.
Why did the banana go out with the prune? Because he couldn't find a date.
“Somedays you eat salad and go do Yoga. Somedays you eat cupcakes and refuse to put on pants. This is called balance.” — Unknown
And speaking of meloncholy, I heard that’s what you get when you cross a watermelon and broccoli.
What did Frankenstein say when he was struck by lightning?
Great! A jolt to the bolt!
He says to the doctor, "Help me Doc, what's the matter with me?"
The doctor replies, "That's easy. You're not eating properly."
“Marriage: sometimes soulmates, sometimes cellmates.”—Rory Elder
Why can't your nose be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot!
I'm papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven't a clue.
For the pattern's all wrong,
Or the paper's too long,
And I'm stuck to the toilet with glue.
What do you call Sir Lancelot when he is dancing and singing to his heart's content at a party? We call him Sir Dancelot.
How do you get a farm girl to marry you?
First, a tractor.
My wife isn't talking to me because apparently I ruined her birthday....
I don't know how I did that... I didn't even know it was her birthday!
What do you get when you crossbreed a turkey with a harp?
A bird who can pluck itself.
How did the computer hackers get away from the scene of crime?
They just ransomware.
They’ve started a collection to open a pool near me. I gave them a glass of water.
Two cabinets walk out of a bar...
One says to the other, "you walking home?" and the other replies, "Nah, I'm cabinet."
Baby, are you a lane rope? Because I want to lay on you all day long.
“You are one yoga class away from a good mood.” – Unknown
My family told me to stop telling Thanksgiving Day jokes.
I told them I couldn’t stop cold turkey
What do you call a sausage that's been to the doctor? Cured meat!
What do you say if you lose a game on St. Patrick's Day?
Game clover.
Some say that puns aren't very funny, while others take them very seriously...
I guess the one thing we can all agree on is that puns are no joke.
The school phoned me today and said, "Your son's has been telling lies"
I replied, "Tell him he's very good at it as well. I don't have any kids."
Why is Christmas just like a day at the office ? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
Try to take a tiger from his daddy's side, That's how love gonna keep us tied
An Australian army vehicle worth $74,000 has gone missing after being painted with camouflage.
What should you put on the tomb stone of a mathematician?
"He didn't count on this."
This eye pun couldn't be any cornea.
Do you have an inhaler? Because you took my breath away.
What did mutter say to paneer? Tu cheese badi hai mast mast.
Where do monkeys go to drink?
To the monkey bars.
If a crocodile never admits he is wrong, he must be in de-nile..
What do you call a clock on the moon?
A lunartick.
What happened when the butcher backed up into the meat grinder? He got a little behind in his work!
Did you know Doctor Frankenstein used to be a lonely, lonely man?
Then he learned how to make friends.
I did it! Dad said to save my money til my balance looks like a phone number.....
Available balance: $9.11.