You're just my cup of tea!
How did the charger get rich?
He made a killing in the shock market.
I perform best when I’m wet.
What did the ocean say when asked if he wanted to be friends with the beach?
“Shore!”
I wish I was an ion, so I could form an exothermic bond with you.
You look good on your yoga mat.
There once was a farmer from Leeds,
Who swallowed a packet of seeds.
It soon came to pass,
He was covered with grass,
But has all the tomatoes he needs.
A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
“Getting married is like trading the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one.”—Mae West
I remember asking my dad repeatedly what the acronym LGBTQ meant.
I never got a straight answer.
Why is the air so clean and healthy on Halloween?
The witches sweep the sky.
What did the astronaut see in his frying pan?
An Unidentified Frying Object.
My computer was running pretty hot
Until I downloaded some fan art, and now it's working better.
I am so dedicated to basketball, but I promise you I will bring that dedication to our relationship.
I wanna grow old together. I will stay with you even after I'm sixty-four!
It's ice to meet you.
My wife and I are very competitive, but when it came to flamingo impersonation, I didn't stand a chance
She had a leg up the whole time.
What do you call corn with red, white and blue kernels?
Americorn.
What does the winged horse do after it goes to the bathroom?
Pegaflushes.
You know, it's not the length of the vector that counts. It's how you apply the force.
What did the rainbow say to the pot of gold? You'll be the end of me.
Why can't Woody play his guitar?
He doesn't know where his Pixar.
The bus driver was so friendly and nice, it was a 'joy ride'!
Nurse: Here’s our list of donor hearts and livers in alphabetical order.
Doctor: wow. Looks very ORGANized.
My son asked today “ Dad, are people in Spain cannibals?”
I answered “Why would you think that?”
He said “Well, my teacher said they mostly live off of tourists there.”
"Lazy bones."
What is the only similarity between a UFO and an affordable agent?
You usually hear about both but can never ever see one!
There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.
Chuck Norris once stared into the abyss...
It blinked.
I used to work at a nut farm
The work conditions were great but the salary was peanuts
Why didn’t my husband laugh at my awesome ice cream joke?
Because he was laughtose intolerant.
After a year of waiting, my publisher finally approved my book on gardening
It's about Thyme.
An Indonesian Giant stubbed his foot on a volcano...
- Did he Krakatoa?
I gave my daughter a watch for her birthday. She thought it was so cool and when she showed it to the next door neighbor, he asked, "That's a pretty watch you've got there! Does it tell you the time?"
She laughed and said, "No, this is an old-fashioned watch! You have to look at it!"
We all know that monkeys of all species love bananas, however, there is one family that doesn’t really fancy them, the orang-utans.
What is a computer's favorite animal?
A RAM.
"When your “mom voice” is so loud even the neighbors brush their teeth and get dressed." - Unknown
Where do sperm play football?
In a con-dome.
In case of an emergency, pull down the zipper on my pants.
I put a humidifier and dehumidifier in the same room. What do you think will happen? That's a mist-ery.
What did the tornado say to the washing machine?
Want to go for a spin?
"I Can Rise And Shine"
I can rise and shine, but not at the same time,
You’ll have to pick one, or you’ll miss all the fun.
It’s the wrong side of the bed or the pounding in my head,
It must be all that beer, but there’s nothing to fear.
For despite my bad smell, I plead you not to yell,
And though I am lazy, please don’t get all crazy.
After all, I’m a man; I’m a male, just a guy,
And you knew what you were getting into when you gave us a try!
Who's the scariest dancer ever?
The Boogie Man.
My pants are approaching escape velocity.
The midget fortune teller who kills his customers is a small medium at large.
Where do shellfish go to borrow money?
The prawn broker
The manager at the bread store told the baker that he had to stop loafing around. The baker said that it was his job.
Took a flight, and my luggage got torn to pieces....
My lawyer said I don't have much of a case.
Who is Frosty’s favorite Aunt?
Aunt Artica!
What did the elf tell its friends when they were traveling?
"Let’s take an elfie."