Your lips may be saying no, but your endorphins are saying yes.
I stopped ironing my clothes.
I have less pressing concerns.
Why was the piglet whining.
He was boared out of his brains.
What type of dog would be the best at portraying Tina Turner?
An Angela Bassett Hound.
A nose visited its home town.
It was overcome with nostril-gia.
Believe in your elf.
“I’ve always loved yoga because you get to connect to a deep religious truth while stretching your legs.” — Katya Zamolodchikova
And yes, gnomes are always trying to get to first base with the ladies.
What hotel do mice stay in ? The Stilton
I've done it -- I've done mown the lawn,
But my muscles are aching and torn.
I could swear there are some,
In my legs and my bum,
I've not used since the year I was born.
How can a clam cram in a clean cream can?
Gardening is a matter of your enthusiasm holding up until your back gets used to it
— Author Unknown
If you're in a food fight, always throw peas. We need to give peas a chance.
What brand of hand soap do telephone operators use? Dial.
What do you call an alligator that’s a very skilled conversationalist?
A dialogator.
What did the owl booty text his girlfriend?
I’ve been thinking about you owl night long.
I dressed up as bacon for halloween.
To say the least, i was looking pretty CRISP.
I changed my password to "incorrect."
So whenever I forget what it is the computer will say "Your password is incorrect."
Be yourself; everyone else is already taken.
Oscar Wilde
Airlines have nowadays become so cash strapped that they charge you for everything including emotional baggage.
What kind of keys do kids like to carry? Cookies!
"There is no WiFi in the forest but you will find a better connection."
“Low self-esteem is like driving through life with your hand-break on.”
– Maxwell Maltz
What do dehydrated alligators drink?
Gatorade.
Please stop making jokes about little people
How would you feel if a bunch of giants made jokes about you?
What did the Easter Bunny say to its partner? We make one egg-celllent couple.
You radiate in the shortest wavelengths I’ve ever encountered.
Oh autumn, please don't ever leaf me again.
"Reality is the leading cause of stress among those in touch with it." —Lily Tomlin
Why does Mr. Potato Head have a mobile?
In case Mr. Onion rings.
If four plus four equals eight, then me plus you equals fate.
Me without you is like the Easter egg hunt without the Easter Eggs.
If I had a talking parrot, the first thing I would teach it to say is "Help, they've turned me into a parrot!"
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Peanut.
Peanut who?
Peanut butter open the door!
Where did Vegans come from?
Hummus Sapiens
I was going to smoke a turkey this Thanksgiving.
But they banned flavored vapes.
You know what they say about ice cream parents?
They play flavorites.
"I am dying with the help of too many physicians." —Alexander the Great
What did the pastry chef say to his unsupportive father?
“Donut hole me back.”
Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
Noah - he was floating his stock while everyone was in liquidation.
What do llamas do when they eat outside together?
They have an alpacanic.
Ok, so if the Corona Virus isn't about beer, why do I keep hearing about cases of it?
Three tomatoes are walkin' down the street.
Papa Tomato, Mama Tomato and Baby Tomato.
Baby Tomato starts lagging behind, and Papa Tomato gets really angry.
Goes back and squishes him and says: "Ketchup."
I want to start a deer breeding business…
But first, I’m gonna need about 5,000 bucks.
What do you call Bears without ears
B.
I've been hitting the bottle pretty hard recently.
Still can't get the last of that ketchup out.
“I don’t get it. The trail looked so flat on the map.”
How did the blonde try to kill the bird? She threw it off a cliff.
Did you know this mall has a movie theater? I just saw a preview of our life together. Looks pretty good!
“Fond of doctors, little health, Fond of lawyers, little wealth.”
Proverb