Are you that note I messed up? Because I can’t stop thinking about you.
Why did the owl invite his friends over?
He didn't want to be owl by himself.
The nurse in the hospital gave me an entire crate of the wrong medicine AND it was outdated! I almost died!
I got a bad case of poison I.V.
Why did the Beatles stop inviting Ringo to Thanksgiving?
Because he wouldn't share the drumsticks.
“Nothing is so embarrassing as watching someone do something that you said couldn’t be done.” – Sam Ewing
Why did the game warden arrest the ghost? No haunting license.
Seven sleazy shysters in sharkskin suits sold sheared sealskins to seasick sailors.
What was the donut’s least favorite part of its day?
I’m not really sure; it glazed over that part.
Why are snails allowed on ships?
Escargot.
A parishioner at my church broke into the holy water tank and splashed some on his infant daughter, saying, "your are hereby baptized!"
That's just not rite.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Cows go.
Cows go who?
No, cows go MOO!
What do you call an Incarcerated late night TV show host?
Jimmy Felon.
When the egg saw the pan, it was terri-fried.
What do you call a large dog that meditates?
Aware wolf.
What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anybody can roast beef!
A storm blew away 25% of my roof last night....
..... oof !!
Who does the nectarine just do a hair transplant? Because it wants to become a peach.
I’ve heard of fraudsters before, but that was one heck of a unique-con if I ever saw one.
How about the stylish female crocodile, she's every inch a frock-o-dile.
Why are trees so silly? All of their puns arboring and acorny.
Did you see the display of still-life art? It was not at all moving.
The other day I asked an Alaskan guy if he wanted to eat some seal meat.
He wasn’t really inuit
Why do you use an old towel to dry your dog?
Because it's a little rough.
My little girl just asked for a goodnight kiss on her nose....
I said I can't kiss that thing it smells!
Are you Australia? Cause your geographical location is hot.
How do you tell the difference between a rabbit and a gorilla?
A rabbit looks nothing like a gorilla
Where is the first tennis match mentioned in the Bible?
When Joseph served in Pharaoh’s court.
What do you get when you cross Elon Musk and lobster bisque? A souped up car.
Hey baby, are you a shrink? 'Cause I went nuts when you walked by.
You are hot to the core, aren’t you?
Want to lock our bikes together?
I got an e-mail saying “At Google Earth, we can even read maps backwards”, and I thought...
“That’s just spam.”
How was heaven when you left it?
What do you call a kangaroo who watches too much TV?
A pouch potato.
A sign at a music shop: “Gone Chopin. Bach in a minuet.”
Why can’t people without feet have dairy products? They lactose.
What did the electrician use to moisturise his hair?
Air conditioner.
I went into a pet shop and said: "I would like a pet parrot for my daughter."
Confused, the owner replied: "Sorry, we don't do swaps."
What did the blanket say when it fell off the bed?
Oh Sheet
I find my core strength in you.
What is an owl’s dream occupation?
Flight attendant.
Why was the shy guy terrible at baseball?
He never got to third base.
If tomatoes are a fruit
Then ketchup is a smoothie.
Programmer.
A person who fixed a problem that you don't know you have, in a way you don't understand.
When the librarian bumped her head, she had no one to blame but her shelf.
Medieval Kings and Queens were carried by their soldiers and servants. I am not lying, they litter-ally carried that way!
"My routine is to ride that snooze button as far as it will take me, take a quick shower, get dressed in the dark and bolt out the door."
— Willie Geist
How do Chinese people make cutlery?
They chopsticks.
Tennis is a lot like waiting tables. The most important thing to get right is the first serve.
I'm going to start a hummus brand that comes in really difficult to open containers.
It's gonna be called 'hummus posta eat this'.