What kind of deer make great weather forecasters?
Rain-deer.
What did the dessert say to the Granny Smith tree?
You’re the apple of my pie.
“October: This is one of the particularly dangerous months to invest in stocks. Other dangerous months are July, January, September, April, November, May, March, June, December, August and February.” Mark Twain
Why did the corn stalks hold a ceremony in honor of the scarecrow?
To corn-gratulate him for being out standing in their field!
One of my friends got lost while touring Tokyo. Turns out it was all Ja-plan.
What do you call monkeys who share an Amazon account?
Prime mates.
I love my furniture... Me and my recliner go way back.
Why is it so hard for people with asthma to have exciting dates?
The last thing you want is someone to take your breath away!
Why did the bus driver stay out all night? He was 'driving' around town!
Do you have a cell phone? My mom told me to call her when I find the girl of my dreams!
“Sunday morning my head is bad. But it's worth all the time I had. But I've got to go and get some rest. For Monday is a mess!”
– Dave Bartholomew, Blue Monday
My wife asked, “If someone’s body just isn’t fighting the virus, would getting the vaccine help?”
I told her I think it’s worth a shot.
Don't even chai.
How do you make a milkshake?
Give a cow a pogo stick.
I had a job repairing 17th century violins...
I only fixed instruments that were BAROQUE.
My wife and I are very competitive, but when it came to flamingo impersonation, I didn't stand a chance
She had a leg up the whole time.
“How is it that the first piece of luggage on the airport carousel never belongs to everyone?”
— George Roberts
Did you hear about the crocodile who was unable to mate?
He had a reptile dysfunction.
My dad always used to tell me, "Never put all your eggs in one basket."
Which is probably why we lost the Easter egg hunt.
How can you tell that a blondes been baking chocolate chip cookies? Theres M&M shells all over the floor.
I must have a neurodegenerative disease because I’ve forgotten your number, cutie.
Did you see the movie about the hot dog? It was an Oscar Wiener.
It’s time to say Versailles to France.
Are you looking for a shallow relationship?
What happened when the tiger ate the comedian?
He felt funny!
What do you call an epileptic in a vegetable garden Seizure salad
Be careful! Theres a deadly fruit on the loose
He has 7 charges of armed Strawbbery.
I have to say “Hi” to the prettiest girl in the room… can you help me say “Hi” to that girl over there?
If you live in a purple-colored house and suddenly all the power goes off, then you should probably check the fuchsia box.
My wife sent me an article about "sandpaper spouses..."
I told her she must be 2000 grit, 'cause she's FINE!
Honda is oldest car make in the world. It was mentioned in the bible!
"And the apostles were all in Accord"
Summer went swimmingly this year.
My girlfriend broke up with me because I quote too many Linkin Park songs.
But "in the end, it doesn't even matter".
Why did all the passengers on the right side of the ship have dead cell phones?
They weren’t on the port side of the ship.
These days, knights love to watch movies, and their favorite genre is the horror and the action genre. Also, I am pretty sure that their favorite movie is 'Knight Of The Living Dead.'
And yes, gnomes are always trying to get to first base with the ladies.
Will you give me your number or will you let me spend the whole night guessing the digits?
If there's a Tim Horton's chain, should there be a Lanny McDonald's? Or Doug
Harvey's? And what about Ron's Francise?
What did the gladiator say when he was surrounded by nearly 100 men?
IC
"You are so bottlefull to me."
Knights have always used one type of lamp since medieval times. These lamps are now called Knight Lamps.
How do you know it’s getting kind of serious with a cheese lover?
They tell you they are pretty fondue you.
The old and wise onion had once told me that life is similar to onions. Whenever we peel off our protective layers, we end up crying.
What is a definition of art theft? The haul of frames.
The Teacher had asked the class to write an essay about an unusual event that happened during the past week.
Little Johnny got up to read his.
It began, "My daddy fell in a well last week."
"Good Lord!" the teacher exclaimed. "Is he OK?"
"He must be," said Little Johnny. "He stopped calling for help yesterday."
What do you get when dinosaurs crash their cars ? Tyrannosaurus wrecks.
This pool is impressive. Or should I say swim-pressive?
What do they serve at birthday parties in heaven? Angel food cake, of course!
Airplane food is always so terrible, so I always pack my own food. Want one of these chocolate covered strawberries?
Are you a cake? “Because I want a piece of that.”