Why can't you tell dogs a knock knock joke?
Because they immediately start barking.
"I don't run a car, have never run a car. I could say that this is because I have this extremely tender environmentalist conscience, but the fact is I hate driving."
- David Attenborough
What did the rainbow say to the other rainbow? Nothing, it was feeling blue.
Mooning is very ASStrological
What did the lamp eat?
A light snack...
Nothing lasts forever. Can you be my nothing?
Finally put up the Christmas tree...
It really spruced up the room.
Jonathan Swift
If at first you don’t succeed . . . so much for skydiving.
My teen daughter was sent home from school for covid exposure.....
She’s now my quaranteen.
Ski Area Pick-Up Line: Hey baby, want me to jump off this chairlift for you? 'Cause I think I could fall for you.
Man: "If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U and I together."
Woman: "They got it right the first time with the N and O."
Softball is just like baseball
Except the tactics seem more underhanded.
I was attacked by a group of mimes.
They did unspeakable things to me.
What do you call a bad cheese grater?
A cheese lesser.
Why did the skeleton want to join band?
He wanted a trom-bone!
Hey shawty, it’s sherbert day.
Do you know why a pineapple can be a good observer? Because it has a lot of eyes around its body.
I’m not a bad putter…
I just can’t catch a break.
Congrats on proving that getting older doesn’t mean getting wiser.
What lives at the North Pole and is green, white, and red all over?
A sunburned elf!
Why doesn't james bond fart in bed?
Because it'll blow his cover
You’re prettier than a summer day in Lunenburg.
You are so hot, you must be what is causing Global Warming.
I want to practice my forehand outside, but it will be wet in the morning and nice later on. So here’s the plan for today: inside-out.
What do you get if you cross a glow worm with some beer?
Light ale!
Why don’t you ever see hippopotamus hiding in trees? Because they’re really good at it.
"I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying."
- Oscar Wilde
Did you hear about the sick juggler? They say he couldnt stop throwing up!
What will you get if you cross an ice bear and a running tiger? Frostbite.
What does DNA stand for? National Dyslexia Association.
It is only late August, yet the leaves are already turning brown. Autumn came early this year. Orange you glad?
How did Julius Caesar like his water?
Rome temperature.
The superconductor left without resistance.
One of the funny puns uttered by Mark Twain is that denial is not just a river in Egypt.
It is now a universal truth that actions speak louder than coaches.
Say this aloud: Eye Yam Stew Peed
It’s your birthday, there is no cure,
Cakes and candles, you must endure,
Quick and painless, let me assure,
A tiny chance, you will be mature,
With this crowd, usually secure,
Random fun, with results obscure,
Liquids we drink, definitely pure,
Goofy friends, minds we tour,
Hilarious birthday, that’s for sure.
(Martin Dejnicki)
Where do polar bears keep their money?
In a snow bank.
What do you call a bunny who was raised in a hotel? An inn-grown hare.
It’s so hot I saw a chicken lay an omelet.
What kind of aquatic animal thinks you did a good job?
The seal of approval.
On a Halloween night, long ago,
I went trick or treating with Margo;
We went as Jack and Jill,
And our pail we did fill,
Back in the city of Chicago.
Ever kiss a guy with no teeth?
what do doctors use to draw blood?
A needle?
No, a red crayon!
What do you call it when a giraffe swallows a toy jet?
A plane in the neck.
Heard a rumor of a giant butterfly in London. Probably just an urban moth.
Why don’t you see penguins in Britain?
Because they’re afraid of Wales.
It’s Fall coming back to me now.
Why did the man continue to eat whole peaches? Because he has a bottomless pit.
Why is it so expensive to run a submarine?
It's the depth charges.