You’re as sweet as a flower, and not a daisy goes by when I don’t think of you.
Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Merry.
Merry who?
Merry Christmas!
Cutest clover in the patch.
Who was the roundest knight at King Arthur's round table?
Sir Cumference.
Q: How do mummies hide?
A: They use masking tape
How did the hotdog ask the ketchup out?
He mustard up the courage.
I caught my sister click and post a picture of the soupy noodles yesterday. She was actively instagramen.
What did ancient Egyptian pharaohs sleep on?...
...Temple-pedic mattresses...
Why don't the Maple Leafs drink tea? Because the Canadiens and Red Wings have all the cups.
Why do banana's do so well on the dating scene? Because they have Appeal!
What kind of hunt is a marriage? One where the trapped animal has to buy the license.
Looking after more than one elephant at a time requires the ability to multi-tusk.
My bedroom now has a stained glass window....
A pigeon just flew right into it.
Roses are red, violets are blue. I’m missing half of my heart and so are you.
How can we tell the difference between a can of beef soup and a can of pork soup? Just read the labels.
I wouldn't buy anything with velcro.
It's a complete rip-off.
What happened to the man who turned into a pistachio?
He became a shell of who he once was.
What’s a golf clubs favorite type of music?
Swing.
Roses are red
violets are violet.
Here is my number
why don’t you dial it?
How do you drive a man crazy? A. Put a naked woman and a six-pack in front of him. Then tell him to pick only one.
Are you a sweet honeybee? Because you have stung me in the heart
I hired a landscape gardener today.
He couldn’t help me — my garden is a portrait.
I made my mother's French sister angry
Now she's a cross aunt.
Are you a banana because I find you a peeling.
What is a hair stylist's favorite steak? A flat iron!
When do vampires like horse racing?
When it's neck and neck.
The truck load of tortoise that crushed caused a turtle disaster.
Why did the slice of bread leave her boyfriend? She thought that he was just too knead-y.
What is a baby parrot's favourite game? Beak-a-boo!
Brother: "I saw a seahorse scuba diving"
Dad: "Wow that's amazing, I didn't realise they had the technology."
How much dew does a dewdrop drop
If dewdrops do drop dew?
They do drop, they do
As do dewdrops drop
If dewdrops do drop dew.
I’m a handsome prince and my sword is no trick.
"I’m so old that my blood type is discontinued." - Bill Dane
Why did Frankenstein’s monster give up boxing?
Because he didn’t want to spoil his looks.
I bought a second hand time machine the other day.
They don't make them like they're going to.
What’s the best Christmas present in the whole world?
A broken drum—you can’t beat it!
Why did the horse cross the road?
To get to the apple store.
How does an octopus go to war?
Well-armed!
Why did Goofy put a clock under his desk? Because he wanted to work over-time!
No-bunny is as hare-larious as you.
What happens if you swallow a whole corn cob?
You get corn-stipated!
What is a surfer's least favorite kitchen appliance?
A Microwave
“Happy Thanksgiving! This year I’m thankful that your family is so annoying you’re checking Twitter instead of talking to them.” — Stephen Colbert
What do Chinese bears eat for breakfast?
Panda-cakes!
"A good run is like a cup of coffee. I'm much nicer after I've had one."
Unknown
What happens before it rains candy? It sprinkles.
Bagels and baguettes
Bap or fried bake,
The fruits of the flour
are easy to make
Chollah, chapatti,
Cinnamon bun.
These global delights,
make eating such fun.
Filled with Caribbean sweet meat
like Guava jam,
Scottish smoked salmon;
Or Danish roast ham.
Add a fresh fruit salad,
Some sparkling wine,
A candle, red roses and
you’re ready to dine.
(Joanna Davis)
“I Thought He Was Going to Kill Me”: One Woman’s Harrowing Misunderstanding of How Haircuts Work
There are approximately 1,010,300 words in the English language.
But I could never string together enough words to properly express how beautiful you are.
Why did the belt get arrested? He held up a pair of pants.