“I celebrated Thanksgiving the old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.” —Jon Stewart
What do magician avocados say?
Avocadabra!
Botanists have developed a vegetable that eliminates the need to brush your teeth.
Bristle sprouts.
What do you call a snowman that tells tall tales?
A snow-fake!
What’s the difference between a dirty bus stop and a crab with boobs?
One is a crusty bus station, and the other is a busty crustacean.
What do seals do when they need medical attention?
Sea kelp.
I've finally worked out why Spain is so good at football
Nobody expects the Spanish in position.
Someone threw a jar of mayo at me
I yelled what the Hellmann?!
Are you an omelette? Because you’re making me egg-cited!
There was a flamingo in our garden for such a long time, we started calling it a flaminstay.
“Good morning. Keep calm and pretend it’s not Monday.”
Why did the cow wear a bell around her neck?
Because her horn didn’t work.
A lemon got a job in a vinegar factory last week...
Starting salary was $15 per sour.
I once knew a priest that only ate microwave soup.
He was a Ramen Catholic.
Why did the boy eat his homework? Because his teacher said it was a piece of cake!
Why are super loud sounds bad for your ears?
It hertz your eardrums.
A strawberry's favorite place to visit is Jam-aica.
“I take my pet lion to church every Sunday. He has to eat.”
- Marty Pollio.
Is this the transfiguration?
Because you are glowing.
What are a married man's two greatest assets? A closed mouth and an open wallet.
What happened to the pig who ate too fast? They got a ticket for running a Slop Sign.
I’m no vampire but I’m fine with getting no sleep and biting your neck all night.
What happens if an elf catches you being naughty?
Yule be sorry!
How do you make an Octopus laugh?
With tentacles!
I only have ice for you!
A lorry load of pears has crashed on the motorway. It’s caused a huge jam.
Why was the skeleton afraid of the dog?
Because dogs love bones.
Don’t be elfish.
When shouldn't you believe a word your cheese is saying? When it's too Gouda to be true.
The density of this concrete leads me to believe one thing: it is a hard court.
My daughter was just complaining about washing dishes by hand
I told her, “well... it’s better than washing them by foot.”
"I like long walks, especially when they're taken by people who annoy me"- Fred Allen.
Why was the skeleton scared of the baby?
Because he was an ankle biter.
What is a mouse’s favorite game?
Hide and squeak!
Why doesn’t an owl study for a test?
They prefer to wing it.
How do the Vietnamese like their soup? Purrrrrfect.
I’m positive I just lost an electron.
Better keep an ion that.
What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you? Run like hell, she has a grenade in her hand.
Did you know you can fit 30 bananas in a kangaroo’s pouch?
Also, I’m not allowed at the zoo anymore.
My last chess game went a bit medieval.
We both went for the castle.
Which chicken is at the top of the pecking order?
Attila the Hen.
What’s yellow and swings from cake to cake?
Tarzipan.
Why did the lights go out? Because they liked each other!”
What does seaweed say when it's stuck at the bottom of the sea? "Kelp! Kelp!"
“It took me three weeks to stuff the turkey. I stuffed it through the beak.” —Phyllis Diller
How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Tentacles.
This Halloween I was planning to go as a band aid, but decided against it.
It’s really hard to pull off.
Why do the propellers of a plane go around and around?
To keep the pilot cool because if they stopped, man would he sweat
I found a pen that writes underwater.
It writes other words too.
“Buying your kid a goldfish is a great way to teach them about responsibility for 24-36 hours”
- Conan O’Brien.