I went to a mosquito themed restaurant.
It wasn't very good, though. After a few bites I got up and left.
What do you call a SWAT team of alligators?
Gator-raid.
It’s Fall coming back to me now.
You have to act quickly during a flood because it's an emergent sea.
You make my heart slip 'n slide.
All the contestants at the pig Olympics were very happy with their prizes. They each won pork medallions.
Check your shelf before you wreck your shelf.
How do you know when a drummer is at your door?
He speeds up when he’s knocking.
“To like and dislike the same things, that is what makes a solid friendship.”
— Sallust
“Children have never been very good at listening to their elders, but they have never failed to imitate them.”
- James Baldwin.
A turkey's favorite dessert is a strawberry gobbler.
Birdie birdie in the sky laid a turdie in my eye.
If cows could fly I’d have a cow pie in my eye.
Q: Why did no one like peach’s personality?
A: Because it had a heart of stone.
My brother just admitted that he broke my favourite lamp.
I'm not sure I'll be able look at him in the same light ever again
When my wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo,
I had to put my foot down.
I want to be a drop of your blood, so I could travel your body and sleep in your heart.
"All men are the same age." - Dorothy Parker
Puns make me numb, but math puns make me...
Number.
Are you from Sheffield? Because you’re steeling my heart.
Be-leaf me, you look great in green.
What’s the name of the Grim Reapers hair salon?
Curl up and dye.
There’s a great new rock and roll cover artist doing the rounds at the moment – his name is Chuck Cherry.
I know you love playing soccer, wanna play a soccer lover?
What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a philosopher?
An offer you can't understand.
My love for you simply radiates.
What's green and wears a cape?
Super Pickle.
What does Harry Potter use when sealing packages?
His Parceltongue.
I get beavers and similar animals mixed up.
I otter know better.
My son asked me, "Daddy, why do bees stay in the hive in the winter?" I smiled and answered...
"Swarm."
What is brown and has a head and a tail but no legs? A penny.
I wrote a song about a tortilla. Well actually, it’s more of a wrap.
What do you call a fish whith a car? A carfish!
What makes politicians and planets similar?
They both take up space.
"I went home with this French guy ’cause he said something adorable, like, ‘I have an apartment.’" — Amy Schumer
My friends and I are starting a disco group.
We'll dress as a Viking, a Mongol, a Caribbean pirate, a Bedouin raider, and a Spanish conquistador.
We call ourselves: The Pillage People.
What sound do you hear when you drop a bomb on a cow?
Cowboom.
Why are birthdays good for you?
People who have the most live the longest.
“I tried to look up impotence on the Internet, but nothing came up.”
Scarecrows always garden their patch.
My mother loves butter more than I do,
more than anyone. She pulls chunks off
the stick and eats it plain, explaining
cream spun around into butter!
- Elizabeth Alexander
"Month of May"
For all the diapers
that you changed,
For all the playdates
you arranged.
For all the trips
back and forth to school,
For cleaning all the spit up
and the drool.
Why is there only
one Mother's Day?
You should have at least gotten
the ENTIRE month of May.
What do you call a maternal Turkish robot water weasel?
An Ottoman otter-mom automaton.
The medieval ages were technologically advanced. Take, for example, the guillotine, it was such cutting-edge technology.
Why are skeletons so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
Hey girl, are you a pulmonary embolism?
Because you're making me breathless.
Which Pokémon has Covid?
Pik-achoo.
“Sunshine and happiness go together like fish and chips!”
― Catherine Pulsifer
You are the coffee to my espresso and I love you a latte.
What did Bacon say to Tomato? Lettuce get together!
How does an otter get into an honest business? Usually through the skylight.