It’s so cold that I’m breathing out snowflakes!
Did you hear about the little people starting a beer making operation?
It's a micro brewery.
What would mothers most like to make on Thanksgiving dinner?
Good restaurant reservations.
Living costs on the moon would probably be out of this world.
Cutest clover in the patch.
I bought some clear, liquid hand-soap today.
Got home and realized that I can't use it...
My hands are solid, and opaque.
What do you call a sloth that barely moves a muscle? A slow-off (show off).
Whats a good Spanish sports channel?
ESBieN.
What do you call a woman standing in the middle of a tennis court?
Anette.
Whats the difference between the Bride and Groom In marriage, the bride gets a shower. But for the groom, it's curtains.
How do you change a blonde's mind? A1: Blow in her ear. A2: Buy her another beer.
Why did the beaver stop cutting down trees?
The work gave him gnawsea
“It’s money. I remember it from when I was single” — Billy Crystal
This date just made my day Emil-ion times better
“If I could be half the person my dog is, I’d be twice the human I am.”—Charles Yu
What is good at maths and related to a crocodile?
A calcu-gator
In your hands my heart is clay, To take and hold as you may.
Did you hear about the Thanksgiving turkey who tried to escape the roasting pan?
He was foiled.
What do you call dangerous amounts of precipitation?
A rain of terror.
I’m sure wherever my dad is he’s looking down on us… he’s not dead… just very condescending.
Jack Whitehall
What do you get when you cross Sonic The Hedgehog and Curious George? 2 Fast 2 Curious
I bet your muffled screams are as cute as u.
What's a snake's favorite subject to study in school? Hisssstory.
Two detectives interrogate a 37 year old mute man. The detectives give the man a notepad which he scribbles on for a few seconds, and hands back to them.
"I'll never talk."
From the b-autumn of my heart, I love fall!
Grasshoppers do not fancy soccer matches because most of them prefer cricket matches.
Heard Russia has the vaccine to Coronavirus. I'm probably not Putin that into my body.
“Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair.”
Sam Ewing
There’s a lot of proposals on cleaning up space in earth’s orbit from broken satellites.
Looks like they’ll need a vacuum cleaner.
“So few people admit to belief in astrology, but I am yet to meet anyone who doesn't know their star sign.”
― P.K. Shaw
What do chocolate, men, and coffee have in common?
They’re only good if they’re rich!
A child was bored out of his mind. His mother told him that they are going to the laundry mat and the child said "that is the most boring place on earth."
Then the mother said, "Come on, it will be loads of fun."
How should you live your life? By seasoning the moment.
Baby, you remind me of my spice cabinet - cuz you got a fine grind going on.
A worm child comes home. It sees mom and asks: "Mom, have you seen dad?"
Mom says: "Dad went fishing with the guys."
Chuck Norris once went skydiving, but promised never to do it again. One Grand Canyon is enough.
Why was the hard drive scared of the large file?
Because it was a terror-byte.
"As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two." - Sir Norman Wisdom
Wow, you're so cool in this hot weather that my freezer is jealous of you.
A slimey snake slithered down the sandy sahara.
I cannot believe no ones come up with a cure for anorexia yet.
I thought it would be a piece of cake!
"Oh, I wanna dance with some bunny, with some bunny who loves me."
When a pig takes out a loan, he becomes a boar-ower.
Picking strawberries can be a very fruitful endeavor!
Did you hear about the gnome city that doesn’t let humans through the gates? They call it Gno-man’s-land.
"What an egg-citing day."
What’s your go to order at a bar? Mine is A Big Ale
How many men does it take to open a beer? none. the lady should already have it open on the table!
What do we call a deer without any eye?
“No – eye – deer.”
Something in a thirty-acre thermal thicket of thorns and thistles thumped and thundered threatening the three-D thoughts of Matthew the thug – although, theatrically, it was only the thirteen-thousand thistles and thorns through the underneath of his thigh that the thirty-year-old thug thought of that morning.