Why don't quarterbacks share puns at the line of scrimmage? Because they produce audible groans!

This may be the wine talking, but I really, really, really, really love wine.

What do you get when you put the number 3.14 in the middle of the onions? You get o-pi-nions!

Why did the chick disappoint his mother?
He wasn’t what he was cracked up to be.

My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children.
If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.

Why were the volleyball players always tying in tic tac toe? Each time one of them sets an X, the other player just says O.

On one bright Sunday morning, one long lost wolf finally met his longtime classmate. “So, Howl’s it goin’!”

Are you my phone charger? Because without you, I’d die

Oh buoy – we’re having a splash bash!

If you have a line of 100 rabbits in a row and 99 of them take 1 step backwards, what do you have? A receding hare line.

Are you a bank loan? Well, you’ve certainly got my interest.

Two sociologists are sitting by the pool. One turns to the other and asks, "Have you read Marx?" to which he replies, "Yes, it's these damn wicker chairs."

"Eggs-cuse me."

What game do little bats like to play?
Batty fight.

There are 3 rings in a failed marriage: engagement ring, wedding ring...
And suffering...

What does a snail wear to go dancing?? Escargogo boots.

Oranges rarely pass driving tests, this is because they keep on peeling out.

What did the borg say to the medieval peasant?
Resistance if feudal

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Mary
Mary who?
Mary Christmas!

A scarecrow's favorite fruit to eat is straw-berry.

Did you hear about the cat who drank 5 bowls of water?
They set a new lap record.

Why does it take so long to shave a giant sheep with normal-sized clippers?
Shear size.

Why are artists so temperamental? They have to get into the right frame of mind.

What type of magazines do cows read?
Cattlelogs.

What is the only thing that can cure a sick do-nut?
An antidought!

Did you hear about the two silkworms that were in a race? They wound up in a tie.

"If more of us valued food and cheer and song above hoarded gold, it would be a merrier world."
– J.R.R. Tolkien

Yally Bally had a jolly golliwog. Feeling folly, Yally Bally Bought his jolly golli' a dollie made of holly! The golli', feeling jolly, named the holly dollie, Polly. So Yally Bally's jolly golli's holly dollie Polly's also jolly!

Why does a lawyer tuck a suitcase into bed?
To rest his case

She sells seashells on the seashore.
The shells she sells are seashells, I’m sure.
And if she sells seashells on the seashore,
Then I’m sure she sells seashore shells.

Why did the fruit bat eat the orange?
“Because it had appeal.”

Why did Tony go out with a prune? Because he couldn't find a date!

Why are skeletons so good at telling jokes?
Because they have a funny bone.

There’s a rumor going ‘round it’s my birthday today;
they say that I’m seventy years old..…no way.
too many candles to light,
it would take into the night.
When did I suddenly turn old and grey.

Some say I’m an old man and not too smart,
but I say don’t put the horse behind the cart;
‘cause age is just a number
not something to encumber,
and this old man is still young at heart.

Why don't you reach in and grab some popcorn?

Thanksgiving is my favorite feast.
The table's set, the napkins creased.
We always have a great big crowd
With uncles, aunts and children loud.

The grownups shoo us to our chairs
With pushing hands and parent stares.
We wait to eat -- but this part's quirky.
Our main dish is never, ever turkey!

Our grandpa will not eat this bird.
On this he gave his solemn word.
Years ago when he was young,
He vowed it not to pass his tongue.

As a boy, he lived beside
The rolling Polish countryside.
The turkeys (this is so unkind)
Would chase and bite his small behind.

So even though it's quite the norm,
He shuns the bird in every form.
I understand how grandpa feels
And how it's changed his life-long meals.

But me, I'd rather take attack.
Once a year, I'd bite them back!

- Denise Rodgers

You’re the cutest clover in the patch.

My feelings of love for you are like the stars in the sky. They're probably long dead.

Have you heard the joke about the giraffe’s neck?
Let me warn you, it’s a long one.

What's the most important day in Egypt?
Mummy's Day.

You can fill my caudate nucleus with dopamine anytime.

My boyfriend asked me if I wanted a threesome which of his friends I'd choose.
I shouldn't have named two.

Why did the dog go to university? To get a pe-digree.

“I like work; it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.” — Jerome K. Jerome

"Getting married is like trading the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one." — Mae West

Police label anyone attacking Chuck Norris as a Code 45-11.... a suicide.

What kind of Nurse can cast spells?
A Curse Practitioner.

One day, my stepfather ordered some fish tacos. I asked him what kind of fish goes in a fish taco.
He said, "Dead."

Are you into salads? Because I think I'm falling in lovage.

What street does the hippocampus live on?
Memory lane.
Why didn't the brain want to take a bath?