I went to the costume party as a turtle.
I had a shell of a time.
Writers are cold because they’re surrounded by drafts.
What did the hot dog bun say to the hot dog? Stop touching my buns! What do you call a hot dog with nothing inside it? A "hollow-weenie!"
“Is it Monday already? I’m almost positive I did not get my entire portion of the weekend.”
“It’s just the most amazing thing to love a dog, isn’t it? It makes our relationships with people seem as boring as a bowl of oatmeal.”—John Grogan
Why didn’t the flower get a second date?
He was garden variety.
What does a door to door flower salesman do?
Petal his wares.
I wrote down a list of everyone I hate on a piece of paper and my roommate use it to roll his joint....
He's now high on the list of people I never want to see again.
Why did the detectives suddenly appear at the concert at the beach?
Something fishy was going on.
What did the newspaper say to the ice cream? What's the scoop
Why did the Grinch go to the liquor store? He was looking for the holiday spirit.
What did the nut say when it caught on fire? Roast-nuts, almond fire!
What is a cat’s favorite game to play with a mouse? Catch!
“I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.”
- Erma Bombeck
Are you a pot-head? Because weed be cute together
Bananas
an underappreciated fruit
sentenced to banananality
because yellow
is their long suit.
(Mary Oliver Rotman)
Nurse, can I have a little sugar to help the medicine go down?
Why did the dinosaur cross the road? Because the chicken joke wasn't invented yet.
Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Nose.
Nose who?
I nose plenty more knock-knock jokes!
You look pretty cool, I hope you don’t lead me Jack to square one
If I were a cat, I'd spend all 9 lives with you
For his birthday, the snowman wants a cake with lots of icing on it.
How do baby chickens dance?
Chick-to-chick.
If an astronaut steps on chewing gum then what will happen to him? He will simply be stuck on the Orbit.
Excuse me, do you have a pen?
Then you'd better get back to it before the farmer notices you're gone.
Why should you swim in an ool instead of a pool?
Because there’s no “p” in it!
You snow the drill.
"One of the many things nobody ever tells you about middle age is that it’s such a nice change from being young." – Dorothy Canfield Fisher
Because of my rights related to eminent domain, you have to compensate me for stealing my heart.
Let's do lunge together
What’s the definition of perfect pitch?
When you toss a banjo in the garbage and it hits an accordion.
What do you call a crazy blood-sucking parasite?
A lunatick!
Not only did I have a good time at Taco Bell
I had a Baja Blast
I have a hiking playlist with songs from the Peanuts, the Cranberries, and Eminem. I call it my trail mix.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Bruce
Bruce who?
I Bruce easily, don't hit me!
What do you get when you have a bunch of moles acting like idiots?
A bunch of mole-asses
Why did the Catholic priest get sent to jail?
Tax evasion.
Drinking tea while being too calm can kill you, did you know?
It's called a casual tea.
Batman walks into a superhero-only pool, he is quickly stopped by a guard, the guard points to a sign that says
"No swimming without supervision."
“Children really can brighten up a house, because they never turn the lights off.”
- Ralph Bus.
Why did the dog walk in to the saloon?
He was looking for the man who shot his paw
What’s black and white and very noisy?
A panda with a set of drums.
Was that an earthquake or did u just rock my world?
If you ever need directions, call for a navi-gator.
Wind energy is so popular. It has a lot of fans.
What has four wheels and flies?
A garbage truck!
If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?
I just asked my husband if he remembers what today is... Scaring men is easy.
I saw a beaver and I thought it was odd. Then I saw another semiaquatic creature and I thought it was otter.
I've got some wicked feelings brewing for you.