"If it's meant to be it's meant to be....but just to be clear it isn't."
If life is like a box of chocolates,
is it rude to ask for candy?
Can you really say with certainty
that you even understand me?
When life hands you lemons
I think you'd better run.
Cause life can throw a curve ball
and hit you just for fun.
I can do without the chocolates
You can keep your lemons too.
Life is what you make of it
not what it makes of you.
(Sarina McConnell)
Why wouldn’t the squirrel collect the oak’s acorns today? She called in sick and then went to the beech.
Have you ever seen a catfish? No, how did he hold the rod and reel?
A man went to the gym today and met up with his new personal rainer.
How do you make a glow worm happy? Cut off his tail, he'll be de-lighted.
How do you know when an avocado is ripe?
An actor I know fell through the floor recently. It's just a stage he was going through.
I saw a sign on the bus the other day.
It said "please give this seat to the elderly."
So I ripped it out and took it home for my grandad
Erase erratic bat from your vocabulary because I am as functional as they come.
Why was the broom late? It over swept!
"The only thing that hurts more than paying an income tax is not having to pay an income tax."
— Thomas Dewar
“You want to know what it’s like having a fourth kid? Imagine you’re drowning, then someone hands you a baby.”
- Jim Gaffigan.
"Mom, when will I get lipstick like the other girls at my school?"
"You are not like the other girls, Dave."
What do you say to a bee that bothers you?
"Buzz off!"
So engineering school is really hard.
I'm not doing so hot in thermodynamics.
Q: What do you call a bear with no teeth?
A gummy bear!
Oh autumn, please don't ever leaf me again.
If an astronaut steps on chewing gum then what will happen to him? He will simply be stuck on the Orbit.
Why do math teachers make good dancers?
Because they have algorithm.
The tiger ran away from other tigers as they were rude to him. He didn't want to be involved in a catfight.
I asked a pink bird who its favourite artist was. It looked at me strangely and replied “Flamingo Starr, of course.”
“My dad used to say, ‘Always fight fire with fire.’ Which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.”—Harry Hill
Do you like yoga? Because I could downward dog you all night.
“People say, ‘But Betty, Facebook is a great way to connect with old friends.’ Well, at my age, if I want to connect with old friends I need a Ouija board.”
Betty White
Why did the girl put lipstick on her forehead?
She needed to makeup her mind!
“I’m not for everyone. I’m barely for me.”
Marc Maron
"Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing." —Redd Foxx
"Day in and day out, your tax accountant can make or lose more money than any single person in your life with the possible exception of your kids."
― Harvey Mackay
How could I dance with another. When I saw you standing there.
The medieval queen was unhappy when she saw that it was pouring outside. She sighed to herself, "This could be another reigny day."
Skiing is believing!
When you buy a bigger bathtub....
You have more bath room, but less bathroom.
Why did the chicken cross the Mobius Strip? To get to the same side.
"I don’t feel old. I don’t feel anything until noon. Then it’s time for my nap." - Bob Hope
Are you Google? Because you have everything I’m searching for.
I was thinking about hopping in the shower...
But I realized that I might slip and hurt myself.
Why can't basketball players go on vacation?
They aren't allowed to travel.
“All kidding aside, if everyone did yoga, we would have world peace.” — Rory Freedman
What candy is only for girls? HER-SHEy's Kisses!
I'd advise against letting a vampire drive you home after a Halloween party. They never check their mirrors, it will drive you batty.
If I had a nickel for every time I’ve said “I’m confused,” I’d be thinking “where the heck did all these nickels come from?”
How many times do I have to walk around you to make you fall for me?
My first girlfriend was a tennis player but she broke my heart.
It was like love meant nothing to her.
Chopping down other people’s cherry trees is definitely frowned upon. However, you likely won’t get into too much trouble for it – as long as you keep hold of the axe!
What do you say to an avocado who’s done a good job?
“Bravocado!”
What’s the difference between a teacher and a railway security guard? One trains the mind, the other minds the train.
Tigers are probably the most roarsome animal ever created!
A muslim woman wanted to adopt a gorilla. Her husband wouldn't allow it.
He said, that's haram, bae.
The nurse called me and said, “Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something specific to you.”
You wrote down “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928.”