"Here for the right riesling."
What kind of candy makes fun of you? Tootsie Trolls.
Roses are red, and violets are blue,
Your spaghetti is overcooked, it sticks like glue.
Cutting my arms was the best descision I've ever made
Hands down.
What do you get if you cross a ski instructor and a vampire?
Frostbite.
I know you don’t Naomi, but I hope you will soon
You know what really makes my blood boil?
The vacuum of space.
Why did bulb pack an apple in his bag?
He wanted to have a light snack.
What makes it okay for bats to just poop wherever they want?
For a bat, every room is the batroom.
What goes white black white black white black red?
A panda that falls from a cliff.
Let's hang out sometime. You bring your beaker and I'll bring my stirring rod.
France is beautiful in every Cezanne.
In Mexico, truck drivers always keep a wheel of cheese in their cabs. Apparently this is in queso emergencies.
“If hard work is the key to success, most people would rather pick the lock.” — Claude McDonald
Julius Caesar: "Brutus, that's a very nice dagger, is it new?"
Brutus: "Thanks, and yes, they had a sale at Traitor Joe's."
I won a contest extracting the most water from a towel, I'm now known as the....
Lord of the Wrings.
Why are we only concerned about snowmen not snowwomen?
Because only men are stupid enough to stand out in the snow without a coat.
If you leave alphabet soup on the stove and leave, it could spell disaster.
Are you the moon? Because even when it’s dark you still seem to shine.
Witches always fly on broomsticks because they want to make a clean getaway.
"If only one could tell true love from false love as one can tell mushrooms from toadstools."
- Katherine Mansfield
A cream-filled donut and an eclair decided to get a divorce.
It’s a sad story, but the real victims are their children. They’re in for a grueling custardy battle.
What would you get if you'd put a lawyer in a suit? A lawsuit.
“When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.”—Erma Bombeck
Twinkle twinkle little bore.
Close your mouth, it's not a door.
You are just as cold as ice,
It is you that I despise.
Can I show you my yellow submarine?
I'd steer clear of dating a dyslexic bus driver.
Sure, they may take you places, but there'll be mixed signals along the way.
Who’s the arch-enemy of the Gsus chord?
The Dmin chord.
Why are burgers bad at telling jokes? Because they all are cheesy.
What kind of nuts come in cans?
Creamed a-corn.
The umpire kept answering his phone during the softball game.
He said he didn't want to miss any calls.
“This crisp winter air is full of it.” – John Burroughs
Why do werewolves howl at the moon?
Because no one else will do it for them!
I'm single and desolate. Can you help me?
Yetis have declared their own independent state in the Himalayas.
It's an abomi-nation.
You should date a swimmer because no matter how tired we are, we never stop halfway.
What happened to the criminal magician who ate to much salt?
Cardiac arrest.
What do you call a small turd?
A dumpling.
It’s been a few years since the invisible man married the invisible woman.
Their kids are nothing to look at.
How do ponies react when the opposing team comes on the field?
They horse-boo.
Haikus confuse me
Too often they make no sense
hand me the pliers.
I'm not the fig plucker,
nor the fig plucker's son,
but I'll pluck figs
till the fig plucker comes.
What do you feed a 700 pound gorilla?
Just give him anything he wants and then run.
A company from Israel took over the Greek national cheese factory in Greece
Now it's called the Cheeses of Nazareth.
All the other vegetables have always felt very emotional whenever they are near the onion.
This s***ty toilet broke down again!
What type of dog can use a phone?
A dial-matian.
"Eggs love you."
Hey baby, wanna violate the Pauli Exclusion Principle with me?
If you where a sheep I would clone you.