Who gives crocodiles presents on Christmas?
Santa Jaws!
Whenever I look at you I see something more desirable than chocolate.
Dear Algebra, Please stop asking us to find your X.
She’s never coming back—don’t ask Y.
I Ecuador you.
Football players get cheerleaders, but hockey players bring them home.
Q: What do you call a mummy who wins the lottery?
A: A lucky stiff
What's the difference between a cat and a frog?
A cat has nine lives but a frog croaks every night.
What do you call a gorilla stuck in a ventilation shaft?
A Duct-ape.
One-one was a race horse. Two-two was one too. One-one won one race. Two-two won one too.
What do you call a low-quality Russian composer, pianist, and conductor of the late Romantic period?
Knockmaninoff.
What do you call a titan that can't swim?
Titanic.
My wife asked if I'd be available to drain some vegetables next week.
I said I'd check my colander.
What did the baseball player say when the flight attendant asked what seat he was in?
"Put me in coach."
Funny facts about Google users:
50% of people use Google well as a search engine.
The rest 50% of them use it to check if their internet is connected
A magician once said he could make a tiger disappear but only transformed it into a tabby cat...
It was a sleight exaggeration.
If I told you that you had a great body, would you hold it against me?
How is a pig’s tail like 4 o’clock in the morning? It’s twirly.
What should you do when you play volleyball against a team of satanists? You beat the hell out of them.
She was wheeled to the operating room, but then she underwent a change of heart.
I’m not usually one for Austin-tatious pickup lines, but I decided to make an exception for you.
I recently got told ketchup doesn't actually use tomatoes
But I can't find a reliable sauce on that.
What do you call a Koala that can pick up an elephant ? Sir!
Shucking takes lots of corn-centration.
When a young adult goes to take a leak, does that mean they're a peenager?
Our local butcher had to go to the doctor the other day. He didn’t know what was wrong, but said that he was feeling offal.
What does a priest put on his salad?
Lettuce spray.
Why didn't the 11 year old go to the pirate movie? because it was rated arrrrr!
We must be a cast on a spiral fracture, girl. Because we’re on a serious break.
Even after a decade or two, I think we will all remember this year forever.
I mean, hindsight is 2020.
Q: Why was the Pharaoh boastful?
A: Because he Sphinx he's the best.
Hey boy, I like your Irwin inspired outfit.
Why did the police arrest a cup of snow?
For just-ice
When we spill soup on the comic book, we will get soup-erman.
A storm blew away 25% of my roof last night....
..... oof !!
What do you get when it rains potatoes? Spuddles.
How do you keep the snow from giving you cold feet?
Don’t go around BRRfooted!
I'm 6'6", 280lb, and I've played piano for 23 years
I'm a huge pianist.
The science teacher decided to take her class out on a field trip to the mountains because all the kids in her class desperately needed higher grades.
What is the first time that a volleyball match was talked about in the Bible? When Joseph served in the Pharaoh’s court.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
But I wouldn’t know,
I don’t get them from you.
The amount of bad Covid-19 jokes being circulated is starting to reach alarming figures
Some scientists suspect that it might be a pundemic.
All these years of technological developments and I still haven’t seen a colour photo of a zebra.
Believe in your elf.
Whenever the peach father gets mad at his son, he just screams loudly: “You are the son of a peach!”
How is cat food sold? Usually, purr can!
Why will you never see a realtor reading books?
Because books only have page numbers!
You be the battery, I’ll be the aluminum foil and together we’ll light up the world.
What did the zombie say after seeing his neighbor’s new car?
- I’m green with envy!
My friend had put some beans in the coffee grinder
After a few seconds I told him to stop. That's fine.
There was an Old Person of Ewell,
Who chiefly subsisted on gruel;
But to make it more nice
He inserted some mice,
Which refreshed that Old Person of Ewell.