Did you hear about the painter who was hospitalized? Reports say it was due to too many strokes.
Why did the peach think he was a pear for a while? He was feeling awfully green at first, but eventually his face became red.
Where do monkeys go to drink?
To the monkey bars.
“What would you get if you ate the Christmas decorations? Tinselitis.”
What does a cow ride when his car is broken?
A COW-asaki MOO-torcycle.
The doctor told me to get in a bathtub full of milk to soothe my sunburn, I asked him 'pasteurized?'
He said 'No, just up to your neck'
It's a-boat time we took a vacation!
For a fatty, you don't seem to sweat much.
What do you get when you cross a pig and a chicken? The best bacon-and-eggs of your life.
Why does everyone invite ice cream to the party?
It’s cool.
Did you hear about the blonde who gave her cat a bath? She still hasn't gotten all the hair off her tongue.
How do two rival forests get along? They sign a peace tree-ty!
My favorite fruit is the pear.
Because if you have two and you eat one, you still have a pear left.
The vampire decided to eat a throat lozenge. It was the only thing he could think of to stop his coffin fit.
Do you know how long dinosaurs should be fed? Exactly the same as short dinosaurs!
Why did the king order his new castle be built in the evening?
For the night knights!
How did the geology student drown?
His grades were below C-level.
Why couldn’t the skeleton get out of bed?
He was bone tired.
“I am fond of pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals.”
Winston Churchill
You remind me of milk - cuz you're doin' my body good.
Q: Why could the fruits not see anything?
A: It was peach black there.
Some roses are red
Some violets are blue
Some say love is blind
And I know this is true
If you think this is a lie
Just look at me and you
I could have dated myself
But instead I chose to love you
(Anonymous)
Is your name Faith?
Because you're the substance of things I've hoped for.
My parents used my Uber to go and file the application ending their marriage.
I gave the driver one star. He drove my parents to divorce.
Damn girl, are you British?
Because you just conquered my heart
My wife says she’s leaving me because she thinks I’m too obsessed with astronomy.
What planet is she on?!
Bill Murray
“Do you ever get halfway through eating a horse and go ‘you know, I’m not as hungry as thought I was’?”
Hey, have you heard about....
A gladiator whose arms and legs been cut off in a fight? Well, I heard that he's been disarmed and defeated.
Did you see the glitch earlier? You weren’t listed as the top hottest single.
What does Frosty the Snowman do to combat his worries about melting?
Take a chill pill!
“We were married for better or worse. I couldn’t have done better and she couldn’t have done worse.” —Henry Youngman
How does the Easter bunny stay in shape?
Lots of eggs-ercise!
How was heaven when you left it?
"The only b.s I need is bikini and sandals"
I went to the doctor yesterday and he reckons I'm paranoid.
I wonder who else he's told.
The only problem with golf is...
The slow groups are always in front of you and the fast groups are always behind you.
Cherries are actually great at a lot of different sports. Their favorite one, in case you were wondering, is archerry.
Q: Why does it smell bad when you destroy fans?
A: Because you’re breaking wind.
There was an Old Person of Cheadle,
Who was put in the stocks by the beadle
For stealing some pigs,
Some coats, and some wigs,
That horrible person of Cheadle.
Which is the bar downtown that soccer players hate striking on? Crossbar.
New Year's resolution for the bankrupt gardener was to forget the past and rely on the fuchsia...
What do you get when you put Cola in an oven?
Baking soda.
Can’t pinch this.
If you happen to knock down all the pins, don’t be overly excited. Spare us the details.
Why are Catholics the best runners during the Easter season?
They fast during Lent!
Why do trolls live under bridges?
To troll goats!
Heya, howl you doin'? Yikes, sorry, that was a ruff start.
Robin Williams
Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.
How do you make Ohio State University cookies? Put them in a big Bowl and beat for 3 hours.
Q: How does an artist fill in a CV?
A: He draws on experience.