It’s been a few years since the invisible man married the invisible woman.
Their kids are nothing to look at.

Somebody stole all my lamps… I couldn’t be more de-lighted!

Why did the toddler cross the road?
He wanted to pet the chicken.

"Ignorance is a form of environmental pollution."
Anonymous

My wife misplaced some of her makeup...
She said, "I can't find my concealer".
And I said, "Wow, sounds like it's some good stuff then!"

How does a suit put his child into bed? He tux him in.

What do you call an edible ion?
An onion

"The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again."
Erma Bombeck

Your name must be Coca Cola, because you're so-da-licious.

"If I Were In Charge Of The World"

If I were in charge of the world
I'd cancel oatmeal,
Monday mornings,
Allergy shots, and also Sara Steinberg.

If I were in charge of the world
There'd be brighter nights lights,
Healthier hamsters, and
Basketball baskets forty eight inches lower.

If I were in charge of the world
You wouldn't have lonely.
You wouldn't have clean.
You wouldn't have bedtimes.
Or "Don't punch your sister."
You wouldn't even have sisters.

If I were in charge of the world
A chocolate sundae with whipped cream and nuts would be a vegetable
All 007 movies would be G,
And a person who sometimes forgot to brush,
And sometimes forgot to flush,
Would still be allowed to be
In charge of the world.

– Judith Viorst

How did the skeleton baker make bread?
He Knee-d it.

Why’d did the cowboy have a wiener dog?
Someone told him to get a long little doggie

What did man say to the guacamole?
Avocado crush on you.

Flat-Earthers hate the fact our planet is spherical, whereas Asgard is flat.
It's a Thor subject for them.

Did you hear about the goblin that got his left arm and left leg cut off?
Well don't worry, he's all right now.

I promise to love you
When your jokes are not funny.
I promise to love you
When you have no money.
I promise to love you
When you’re sick and all snotty.
I promise to love you
When you’re angry and grotty.
I promise to love you
When you’re drunk and unruly.
I promise to love you
When you’re hungover and drooly.
And I promise to love you
When you drive me ’round the bend.
I promise to love you
Because you are my best friend!

Beer doesn't make you fat
It makes you lean.

Why does the mermaid wear seashells?
Because she grew out of her B-shells.

No one understands me when i say I like to paint peas in a cage.
I don’t what is so hard about it. I’m a trapped peas artist.

“Dear Mondays, I really think that you should take a holiday. Believe me, no one will even miss you.”

Who earns a living driving their customers away? A taxi driver. What do you call a laughing jar of mayonnaise? LMAYO

Name a rock group where none of the members sings or plays music.
Mt. Rushmore!

If Kantie can tie a tie and untie a tie,
why can't I tie a tie and untie a tie like Kantie can.

If you where a sheep I would clone you.

Why was the medieval knight polishing his dress before going for the Queens's dinner party? Because he wanted to have a night in shining armor!

Why did the man lose his job in a fruit packing firm? He kept throwing the bent bananas away.

There was an Old Person of Basing,
Whose presence of mind was amazing;
He purchased a steed,
Which he rode at full speed,
And escaped from the people of Basing.

I normally fish for trout but I'll make and exception for you.

It's true what they say about scaring vampires with a torch.
You can see it in their fright of light response.

I don’t believe in boats
I have yacht to see one.

You must be French, because you're looking really Nice tonight.

What do you call a perfume that missed its deadline?
Eau de too late.

Chuck Norris doesn't have good aim. His bullets just know better than to miss.

How do you split the ocean in half?
With a sea-saw.

I think there’s something wrong with my eye. I can’t take them off of you.

It’s so cold we had to stop eating with metal cutlery. Some people walked around for days with spoons or forks stuck to their tongues!

What do you call a distilled botanical that likes to play the guitar??
Ginny Hendrix

I just asked the wife to get into her nurse's uniform.
She said "Why? Are you feeling horny?"
"No we need bread!"

What happened to the baby chicken that misbehaved at school?
It was egg-spelled.

To beer or not to beer… That is the question.

What did the ocean say to the beach?
Thanks for all the sediment.

What did the retired pirate say when he went to the beach?
Long time no sea.

“You can always tell about somebody by the way they put their hands on an animal.”

- Betty White.

If a hole isn't full of water then it isn't feeling well

“A diamond is merely a lump of coal that did well under pressure.” — Henry Kissenger

I own a big fat cat-
The fattest for miles around.
Wherever there's lots of food,
That's where he'll be found.

He's really good at eating.
It's a talent, I suppose.
I'm sure if he keeps at it
He'd win the talent shows.

I own a big fat cat-
He weighs at least a ton.
He couldn't run to save his life.
Yes, he isn't much fun.

His favourite room's the kitchen.
(I'm sure we all know why.)
He eats just about everything,
So that's why, with a sigh...

I'd like to tell you, Teacher,
I'd like to tell you straight,
I might have "accidentally" dropped
My homework in his plate.

(By Christian M. Mitewu)

Why didn't the hipster swim in the river? It was too mainstream.

If your dog was a neurologist, what would it do all day?
Perform PET scans.

Can February march?
No, but April may.

Did you hear about the neutron who was arrested?
He was released without charge.