What did the teacher say when he sent the naughty student out of the (mush)room? - You’re in big truffle young man!

Roses are red, my face is too.. that only happens when I see you.

Roses are red
violets are blue.
You may not know this but
I’m falling for you.

Where did the mermaid go on a date?
She was catching a movie at the dive-in.

A peach biologist was looking for a peach-tree-dish for his upcoming experiment.

Why do wookies love chocolate chip cookies? Because they are chewy.

“Babies: cry all flight long. Fall asleep during landing.”

My writer buddy went to buy a new boat...
He named it Penman-Ship.

Please stop with all the corona jokes.
I‘m sick of it.

I made a fiddle from a squash yesterday...
... i think it's broken, it only plays gourd vibrations.

Which venue did all the vegetables choose to open their fighting club in? An onion ring!

What took you so long? I've been Kuwait-ing for you my whole life.

Why did I start making a cherry pie? Bake-cause I love it.

What did the deer write in his journal every day? Deer diary.

Are you good at math? Can you help me solve for x? X = your number.

Mushrooms always hate going to school. They feel inferior before the rest because they are always so spore-d.

Do you know the difference between you and the new phone? The new iPhone costs $1,000 and you are priceless.

One or two hours warm my heart,
But 24 hours make my day.

In one Fall swoop, it's autumn again!

Got a puncture in my tyre the other day. Think it was at the fork in the road.

Nothing lasts forever. Can you be my nothing?

My new Halloween cookies are bringing everyone back for more!
I call them boo merginues.

Paddy like a rockstar.

My son asked me, what’s a Greek urn?
I said, “about 20 drachmas a day.”

I told my wife to embrace her mistakes
So she gave me a hug!!!

Are you a barista? I like you a latte

"It is a good thing that we do not get as much government as we pay for."
- Will Rogers

No! You can't force me to shave my forearms!
I have a right to bear arms!

I just found out that Mercedes is donating state-of-the-art street sweepers to some of the largest cities around the world to help fight littering.
They're calling it Mercedes-clenz.

I threw a party for all the workers who helped build my house. The door guy showed up late...
...but he really knew how to make an entrance.

What four animals does a woman like to have in her house?
A tiger in bed, a mink in her closet, a jaguar in her garage and a jackass to pay for it all.

Why did the music teacher need a ladder? To reach the high notes.

"They were a people so primitive they did not know how to get money, except by working for it." ~ Joseph Addison

Did you hear about the vampire who tortured his victims with music?
His Bach was worse than his bite.

I took one Luca at you and I honestly couldn’t resist

I don't mind leg day at the gym.
It's just the two days after that I can't stand.

A woman is on trial for beating her significant other with a guitar. “First offender?” the judge asked.
“No” she replied. “First a Gibson , then a Fender”.

What time is it when little white flakes fall past the classroom window?
Snow and Tell

What do you call a cop with a wooden leg?
Officer.

What do you call the Tooth Fairy in a lamp?
A Hygenie.

What kind of chips do you eat in the bath?
Shower cream and onion.

Is it a full moon? Because I feel a tidal pull toward your heavenly body.

I always hate having to unblock the toilet.
I’m never quite ready to take the plunge.

What do horses get after graduating university?
A pedegree.

Knock Knock

Who's there?

Butter

Butter who?

Butter get an umbrella, it looks like it's going to rain!

Did you hear about the mummy who goes to university? His favorite subject is Cryptography.

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Holly
Holly who?
Holly-days are here again!

What's a camel's favorite part of a meal?
Desert!

Sandy was a chocoholic,
The worst I've ever seen!
If she didn't eat some daily,
She'd become crazy mean!

It didn't matter what kind it was,
Ice cream, cake, pie or candy,
As long as it was chocolate,
Sandy was fine and dandy!

Then one day the unthinkable happened,
To the chocolate loving miss,
While eating her favorite candy,
She choked on a chocolate kiss!

"Death by chocolate," the coroner concluded,
As to the cause of Sandy's death.
At least she died doing what she loved,
Eating chocolate til her last breath.

(Kim Merryman)

Owl always love you.