What type of person doesn’t like pizza?
A weir-dough.
Inviting cherries over for a drinks party is easy. Simply start your invitation with “You are cordially invited…”
A prankster played a really dark and dim-witted joke at the theatre. He turned off the lights.
"Give your relationship attention like you would a plant. You have to water it every day and give it sunshine. So put your man out in the sun and spray him with a hose."
- Whitney Cummings.
"Cabernet. More like, caber-yay!"
How do you know carrots are good for your eyes? Because you never see a rabbit wearing glasses.
Dublin’ the fun.
What do you get if cross a baseball player and a monster?
A double header.
Where does the Japanese mafia take a bath?
In a yakuzzi.
What has 5 fingers but isn't your hand?
My hand.
What bird is blue and is great at taking a bath?
A scrub jay!
How do you communicate with a fish? Drop it a line!
Q. What is a mime's favorite time of the day?
A. Dusk, because all the colors are muted.
I can’t remember my number. Can I please have yours instead?
Why did the freezer never graduate?
Because it was set on 0 degrees.
I am a dog.
And you are a flower.
I lift my leg up.
And give you a shower!
"My name is Khan, please sit and entertain me."
We got a huge jack-o-lantern this fall. It gave the neighbors pumpkin to talk about.
What do worms leave round their baths? The scum of the earth.
My eyes are full of tears,
that they can see no more.
I wish you were here.
But only to chop these onions for me.
There was a Young Lady of Poole,
Whose soup was excessively cool;
So she put it to boil
By the aid of some oil,
That ingenious Young Lady of Poole.
What do squirrels eat at the fair?
A-corn dog.
Which is the coolest football team in Italy?
AC Milan.
I'm considering becoming a cinematografur.
If you photograph your pimples, is zit art?
Where does a dinosaur lay in the sun? At the dino-shore
What do you call a frozen frankfurter? A Chili dog.
Babe, your beauty makes the morning sun look like the dull glimmer of the moon.
Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.
Oscar Wilde
I was gonna make some car puns...
but I ran out of gas.
What do you call a snowman party?
A snowball.
"Love is not having to hold in your farts anymore." — Bree Luckey
What do peach soldiers say to each other before they are sent into combat? – “Good luck and make sure you come back in one peach!”
What do you call a flying elephant?
A jumbo jet.
Autumn is full of pumpkins, it is a gourd-geous time of the year.
Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.
Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.
The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.
Germinate: To become a naturalized German.
Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot.
The idea is to die young as late as possible.
Montagu's Maxim
Roses are red, Violets are blue,
I’m sorry if I made you feel awkward, I just want to have dinner with you.
Pink is the early bird of the rainbow colors, it's always the first to rose and shine.
I like to write jokes down and store them on my phone, so that I can tell them to him later.
I call it my Dad-abase.
What do you call a horse that is good at football?
Neighhhhh-mar.
What did the grape say when the Koala stood on it? Nothing, it just let out a little wine!
What’s an avocado’s favorite music?
Guac ‘n’ roll.
“Another day, another 13,000 calories.”
— Andy Lassner
What do you call a small mosque in Spain?
A mosquito!
I don't have a Christmas list, cuz you're already the best gift.
I really hope Santa can figure out how to make all his deliveries this year due to Covid-19......
I hear he just ran out of santa-tizer.
I have a bone to pixie with you.
What do you call a jellyfish on a plane?
A flightoplankton.
What did the diamond say to its friend copper? Nothing, silly, minerals don’t talc!