I have a beer snob friend with Photophobia. He hates natural light.
All gardeners know better than other gardeners.”
— Chinese Proverb
Q: Why did the fruit finish her homework so quickly?
A: Because the homework was a peach of cake.
Who tells the best egg jokes?
Comedi-hens.
What did the pirate call his vegetable patch?
His garrrrgh-den.
Some airplanes are so cramped that at the end of the trip, you suffer jet leg.
Did you know a nose cannot be 12 inches long?
Otherwise it’d be a foot!
There was a young lady of Lynn,
Who was so excessively thin.
That when she assayed,
To drink lemonade,
She slipped through the straw and fell in.
Did you hear about the limo driver who went 25 years without a customer? All that time and nothing to chauffeur it.
I'll open fire on anyone who says video games make children violent!
All the other vegetables have always felt very emotional whenever they are near the onion.
Who carries out operations in a river? A sturgeon.
Our relationship is like my financial status: Broke.
I bought a dog off a blacksmith today.
As soon as I got it home it made a bolt for the door.
"Low self-esteem is like driving through life with your hand-brake on."
- Maxwell Maltz
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son's train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it. I think I managed to cover my tracks.
What's the similarity between a drummer and a philosopher?
They both perceive time as an abstract concept.
My love for you burns stronger than my urinary tract infection.
Vogue just called; they want to put you on the cover.
I recently broke up with my caterpillar girlfriend.
She'd changed.
Q: How does a tiger stop a video?
A: By pressing paws.
Q: Why did the pea sell his car?
A: The back seat didn’t have enough legume.
What do you get if you cross a werewolf and a pet dog?
A terrified postman.
Tomorrow is still a mystery.
Yesterday is already history.
And today it is your BIRTHDAY!
What did baby corn say to Mama corn?
Where's Popcorn?
Why doesn't cheddar like to party with crackers? Someone always cuts the cheese.
Why did the whisky divorce the glass?
Their marriage was on the rocks!
Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board
The nut gave her boyfriend the kola shoulder for missing their date.
Where do bad jokes about skeletons belong?
In the skelebin.
There was a Young Lady of Clare,
Who was sadly pursued by a bear;
When she found she was tired,
She abruptly expired,
That unfortunate Lady of Clare.
What makes music on your head?
A headband.
“My family is really boring. They have a coffee table book called Pictures We Took Just to Use Up the Rest of the Film.”
- Penelope Lombard.
Which LA King was the total package? Parcel Dionne.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’m a schizophrenic,
and so am I.
Where do you put nectarines when you want to freeze them? Inside the peach-zer.
You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.
What did the deer say to his friend during their night in the woods?
This is so much fawn!
What do you call a cow who works for a gardener?
A lawn moo-er.
What do you call a bunch of kids who spent all afternoon in the snow?
Chill-dren!
There was an Old Man with a flute,
A sarpint ran into his boot;
But he played daay and night,
Till the sarpint took flight,
And avoided that man with a flute.
“If you don’t annoy your big sister for no good reason from time to time, she thinks you don’t love her anymore.”—Pearl Cleage
Are you French? I want to take a french kiss from you.
What did the monster say when he saw a rush hour train full of passengers? Oh good! A chew chew train!
“My goal in life is to be as good of a person my dog already thinks I am.” ~ Unknown
What weighs 800 pounds and sticks to the roof of your mouth ? A peanut butter and Stegosaurus sandwich!
Who was the roundest knight at King Arthur's round table?
Sir Cumference.
So how many cats do you have?
Why was the pine tree always in trouble? It kept being knotty.
Why were the axons bothered by myelin?
It was getting on their nerves.