What did the hamburger name his daughter? Patty!
Who is the worm's Prime Minister? Maggot Thatcher.
If I’m reading their lips correctly,
my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
She didn’t date the gardener. He was too rough around the hedges.
What were the cheese’s wedding vows?
To havarti and to hold.
Today I learned that mosquitoes love type-B blood.
Oops. sorry, type-O.
What do zebras hold?
Ze boobs.
My boss has just fired me for making too many Asian jokes.
Oh well!! That's the end of my Korea.
What does a cat like to eat on his birthday? Mice cream and cake!
My mum made a chocolate bar out of peas. I asked if she could snap a peas off for me.
What do you call a dinosaur who is elected to Congress? Rep. Tile!
A tree's limbs fell off in a storm, now it's an amputree.
What did Detective Duck say to his partner?
“Let’s quack this case.”
"Be kind, re-wine."
"Money without brains is always dangerous." ~ Napoleon Hill
What did one bread say to another after a long day? Don’t worry because tomorrow will be butter.
My doctor told me I have a Vitamin D deficiency. Wanna go back to my place and save me?
I threw a fuzzy peach at my doctor's head and he said "that's not assault that's a sugar."
Why was the parrot in prison? Because it was a jail-bird.
Tigers are probably the most roarsome animal ever created!
What's the difference between an owl and an Irish funeral?
One's awake in the night and the other's a wake in the day.
Forget Santa, you’re on my nice list.
Some guy asked dad for the WiFi code.
Shrugging his shoulders and giving a sympathetic look, he responded: I can't figure her out either.
I love Physics, but I'm terrible at Math.
I hope in doesn't Matter.
Why did the ram run over the cliff edge?
Because he didn’t see the ewe turn.
“I always carry a knife in my purse, just in case we’re having cake.”
― Unknown
I have a butcher friend in London. Last week he caught a huge sea creature in the river there and made it into sausage. It was the beast of Thames. It was the wurst of Thames.
Have you heard the joke about the giraffe’s neck?
Let me warn you, it’s a long one.
How was the misbehaving lightning bolt punished?
He was grounded.
What do you call Dragon with no silver?
A dron.
---
You think dinosaurs are scary?
Imagine dragons!
Why did the train have bubble gum? Because he wanted to go Choo Choo
"I miss crawling into a man’s arm, kissing his neck, saying those three little words into his ear, 'And another thing ...'” — Felicia Michaels
Why did the Koala cross the road? To prove to the possum that it could be done!
What do you call a dancing ghost? Polka-haunt-us
Look who’s turning 100,
Your life couldn't be brighter,
With enough candles on your cake,
You have the world's best lighter.
(Kevin Nishmas)
Why Did the Milkman Get Fired?
He was skimming off the top.
What is a beaver's most favorite drama series ever? Riverdale.
What do you call a potato at a football game? A spec-tater.
I went to a theater performance done on a bunch of dictionaries the other day...
It was a play on words.
We just bought our new dream house. As I was showing our daughter around for the first time, she asked excitedly, "What's upstairs?" I chuckled and replied, "Sweetie,"
"Stairs don't talk!"
How do you hide a $100 bill from a televangelist?
Place it in their bible.
Never going drinking with Train drivers again.
All they did all night was tell me to ‘chug,chug,chug,chug.’
What kind of potatoes do zombies like?
Monster mash.
"The art of taxation consists in so plucking the goose as to obtain the largest amount of feathers with the least amount of hissing."
- Jean-Baptiste Colbert
Never date a Theater person...
... wayyy too much Drama...
What do you call a tree with no tinsel, baubles, or topping?
A tree.
What did the sink say to the potty?
You look flushed!
You're like a dictionary - you add meaning to my life!
Do you need more sugar or am I sweet enough?
What is a cat’s favorite magazine? Good Mousekeeping.