Just received Areal Flood Advisory notification on my phone
I should hope it's a real one, the fake ones are just annoying.
What did the grandfather ghoul say to his grandson?
You gruesome!
What do trees drink at their parties? Root beer.
“I just filled out my income tax forms. Who says you can’t get killed by a blank?” — Milton Berle
Girlfriend wants to get married...
This came as startling news, I don't want her to!
"There are two kinds of travel – first class and with children."
– Robert Benchley
If the Pilgrims were alive today, what would they be most famous for? Their AGE!
A goal new ball game I he a kick outta you
Why did the belt go to jail? Because it held up a pair of pants!
I'm just like a dumpling. I have fillings for you.
Why didn't the kids eat their soup? Because they're stew peed.
Don’t be hay-tin on autumn!
I used Brylcreem this morning to slick back my hair like my father used to do. My wife asked me what I was doing.
I said, "I'm having a dad hair day."
With Coronavirus and our impending doom, I guess no one really had 2020 vision after all.
Am I cute enough yet? Or do you need more to drink?
Where do sheep go to get haircuts? To the Baa Baa shop!
“Thanks to yoga, I now gently stretch to conclusions rather than jumping to them.” – Unknown
I read Reims of info before I got here, but nothing can prepare you for how beautiful this place is.
Which is the Richest Cheese in the world? Paris Stilton.
Someone who eats bananas must like them a whole bunch.
What did the father buffalo say to his kid when he left for college?
Bi son!
What kind of ice cream does Dracula eat?
Veinilla.
My dad kept calling referring to this mason jar as his “boom box”.
When I asked him why, he responded “I use it for all my jams!”
I saw a sheep covered in plastic
It was lambinated.
My peach friend shaved for the first time the other day, he looks like a nectarine!
“Why did they ask the turkey to join the band? He had the drum sticks.”
I’m more interested in you than the Fundamental Theorem of Calculus.
What do you call related toilet rolls that sleep together?
Napkins.
How do you get an Art Major off your front door step?
Pay for the PIZZA!
What did the cat say when he ate the clownfish? This tastes a little funny!
How many grams of protein are there in that slice of chocolate pie? 3.14159265.
Why did the man lose his job in a fruit packing firm? He kept throwing the bent bananas away.
Why don't baseball players join unions?
They don't like to be called out on strike.
The only thing brighter than the sun on this track is your smile.
Did the sun come out or did you just smile at me?
What's an albino crow called? A caw-casian.
The dinosaurs looked at Chuck Norris the wrong way once. Once.
My Japanese dentist became a woman.
He’s a trans zen dentalist.
Broken pencils are pointless.
What is a wolf’s favorite time of the year?
The howl-o-days.
An army of werewolves is known as a Fur-eign Legion.
It’s so cold the local graveyard put heaters out for the ghosts.
My English teacher told us to write about the history of our life. However, I hate writing, so I used AI to write it for me.
I guess you can say it's an auto-biography.
If I was a sticker, would you add me to your vintage luggage set?
What kind of key opens a banana? A monkey!
What do a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common?
Men always miss them.
Ever kiss a guy with no teeth?
Was going to change my password to MilkyTea but apparently that's too weak.
What's a zombie's least favorite quiz question?
A no-brainer.
What football team do energy providers root for the most?
The Chargers.