What does a English turkey say to another English turkey on Thanksgiving morning?
"To be roasted or not to be roasted, that is the question."
Why did the man eat the light bulb? He was hoping it would give him a bright idea.”
“Stupid people will mistake your confidence for arrogance.”
- Habeeb Akande
Don’t drop the ball – without you, the party will be incomplete.
Roses are red, violets are blue. There’s nothing in the world more prettier than you.
I wanna bob for your apples.
It’s so cold you could rob me with a bucket of water right now!!
A truck with an entire load of strawberries has crashed on the motorway. It's caused a real traffic jam.
What did the little piglet want from the swine?
A piggyback ride home.
What did the nervous crow do? The crow proceeded with caw-tion.
One of the funny puns uttered by Mark Twain is that denial is not just a river in Egypt.
There's no need to cherry your feelings, I know you love me really.
What did the pig say to his friend who had been cheated upon?
Please don't go bacon this relationship.
Are you the black line at the bottom of the pool? Cause I can’t tear my eyes away from you.
My friend: *Throws salt at me*
Me: Don’t assault me!
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful. Hate me because your boyfriend thinks so too.
Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.
Oscar Wilde
I can't find my humidifier anymore...
I have reported it misting.
How do you get more bounce in a water bed?
Put some spring water in it
What's a barista's favorite morning mantra? Rise and grind.
It’s so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don’t.
What do you call a woman standing in the middle of a tennis court?
Anette.
Which is the fanciest onion? A cocktail onion.
Luke Luck likes lakes.
Luke's duck likes lakes.
Luke Luck licks lakes.
Luck's duck licks lakes.
Duck takes licks in lakes Luke Luck likes.
Luke Luck takes licks in lakes duck likes.
Why did the monkey like the banana? Because it had appeal!
What does Dracula call Thanksgiving? Fangs-giving.
Twinkle twinkle little bore.
Close your mouth, it's not a door.
You are just as cold as ice,
It is you that I despise.
The mama nut told her children to kick off their dirty cashews before stepping into the house.
A child was bored out of his mind. His mother told him that they are going to the laundry mat and the child said "that is the most boring place on earth."
Then the mother said, "Come on, it will be loads of fun."
Girl, your really good at this catch and release thing. Every time I catch my breath around you, you make me lose it again.
What do you call two spine bones that are friends?
Vertebros.
What do you say to an angry 300-pound baked potato? Anything, just butter him up.
I used to live in in Aragon, in Spain.
Then I left.
I'm Aragone.
What’s a ghoul’s favorite love story?
Romeo and Ghouliet!
What's a camel's favorite part of a meal?
Desert!
What did the pig say on the warm summer’s day?
“I’m bacon.”
When Chuck Norris's daughter lost her virginity... he got it back.
Finally, the call came in and the orange was informed by the person on the other end of the line that the company had orange-d an interview for the following day.
I whale-y like you.
-
I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of jail.
But apparently, you're not allowed to end a sentence with a proposition.
Do you need more sugar or am I sweet enough?
The seaweed is always greener in somebody else's lake!
Why did Eve bite the forbidden apple? Because it tasted better than Adam's banana.
Whoever slit the sheets is a good sheet slitter.
I'm attracted to you like the Earth is attracted to the Sun - with a large force inversely proportional to the distance squared.
"You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance."
– Franklin P. Jones
What’s does a winged horse like to munch on?
Pe-grass-us.
Elon Musk is now the richest person on the planet.
Space X has really taken off this past year.
My collection of Swiss watches was stolen in Spain.
Adios Omegas.
If I had a rose for every time I thought of you, I would be walking through my garden forever.