If you were a boat I would keep you in a garage.
Why did the blonde stare at the carton of orange juice? It said concentrate.
Who were Gumby’s favorite Bible characters?
Shadrack, Meshack & AhBENDago.
Why didn’t the skeleton rob the bank?
Because he didn’t have the guts.
"The Porcupine"
Any hound a porcupine nudges
Can’t be blamed for harboring grudges,
I know one hound that laughed all winter
At a porcupine that sat on a splinter.
– Ogden Nash
What do you call a pig with a rash? Ham and eczema.
My kid asked why I named our WiFi "ship"?
But that's how everything syncs.
“Some people walk in the rain; others just get wet.” – Roger Miller
What happens if the Grim Reaper spikes the ball? You have to dig your own grave.
Wow, you’re such a catch. I could never let you Chlo-e.
What do you call an everyday potato? A commen-tater.
English can be understood through tough thorough thought, though.
You know what it's called when you hurry to develop a vaccine?
... Russian.
What is the national fruit of Afghanistan?
Talibanana.
What human body part is long, hard, bendable, and contains the letters p.e.n.i.s?
The spine.
Why does your grandma like wine so much?
Because at her age, she needs glasses!
My moment in the sun.
“I’m actually banned from the Himalayas, because I’m too good at yoga.” – Judah Friedlander
"Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe." – Jackie Mason
Did you see that all the snow and ice are melting?
I thaw!
Wife is frying a lot of mushrooms in a tiny pan.
Me: Doesn't look like you have mushroom left in there.
“A lot of Thanksgiving Days have been ruined by not carving the turkey in the kitchen.” —Kin Hubbard
What do you call a dinosaur that got stuck in the rain?
A driplodocus.
What was the snail doing on the highway? About one mile a day!
Why did the teacher use the evolution of Thor in viking mythology to teach both literature and Northern European history in her class?
She wanted to demonstrate using a Meta-Thor.
Why did the hipster drown?
He went ice Skating before it was cool.
"Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." — Jules Renard
How do Eskimos make their beds?
With sheets of ice and blankets of snow.
“People are living longer than ever before, a phenomenon undoubtedly made necessary by the 30-year mortgage." ~Doug Larson
What do dog scientists to with their bones?
They barium.
No intentional frowning is allowed here.
What does anti-humour have in common with a half empty bottle of ketchup?
Nothing.
What did the witch say to people who visited her house?
Come sit for a spell!
There are two types of people in the world: Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data sets.
What do you call a man with no body and just a nose? Nobody nose.
Flamingos are pretty good at ideas… They have a lot of experience with formation.
What do cats wear to bed? Paw-jamas.
The weather's getting colder, I really fancy some hot croc-o-late.
What's better than a talking dinosaur ? A spelling bee. What do you call a dinosaur that never gives up? Try-Try-Try-ceratops.
Franz Joseph constantly sour about everything because he was always Haydn.
Prejudice is a great time saver. You can form opinions without having to get the facts.
E. B. White
Hey, not sure if I should be telling you this, but I’m a Prince and I’m currently looking for my Cinder-Bella
I just found out that my son got a tattoo of spades, diamonds, hearts, and clubs on his arm.
I might have to deal with him later.
Why are automatic doors like knights?
Because they're chivalrous!
Tried acting in a theatre full of farmers. Got mooed off stage.
What’s a horse’s favorite dance move?
Watch me whip, now watch me neigh neigh.
I value my breath so it would be nice if you didn't take it away every time you walked past.
Are any of the Halloween Monsters good at math?
Only if you Count Dracula.
What is the favourite food of the Egyptian god? It is the Ramen.
What do you do when you miss the ferry?
Call a canoe-ber.