How do you kill a blonde? Give her a gun and say it's a hair drier.

Ommmm... let's meet up in our spirit form.

I painted my dog’s nails So he can look paw-ty.

Those aren't sugar plums dancing through my head, it's all you.

Judging by the sounds, there’s an ogre staying in the hotel room above me.
Hopefully he shreks out tomorrow.

Why was the blonde upset when she got her Driver's License? Because she got an "F" in se*.

“If I’m not back in five minutes, just wait longer.”
Ace Ventura (Jim Carrey)

My next door neighbor is a witch,
And she lives way down in a ditch.
Her clothing is a little strange,
Because she never wants to change.
She has a black robe and a black hat,
Green skin and a smelly black cat.
A big fat wart grows on her nose,
And seventeen pimples on her toes.

But...her food is EVEN worse,
Because she eats it course by course.
Her first course is seven dead bats,
Laid on top of seven rats.
Then she has twenty flies
With lots and lots of llama eyes.
Her main course is a horrible soup,
Because it's made with doggie poop.
But worst of all is her dessert.
It's little children rolled in dirt.

Last night she had a witch's feast
And turned into a greedy beast.
I think she cooked my best friend Tilly
And ate her with some peas and broccoli.

- by Samiya Vallee

Q. What happens when a gorilla has a melt down?
A. He goes absolutely bananas!

“Climbing to the top of the mountain is fun, but everything is just downhill from there.”

There was an Old Person of Berlin,
Whose form was uncommonly thin;
Till he once, by mistake,
Was mixed up in a cake,
So they baked that Old Man of Berlin.

I would have gone to space, but the cost is astronomical!

Why did the thieves kidnap the monkey?
Because they believed in gibbon take.

I mustache you a question..
but I'll shave it for later.

What did Cinderella Dolphin lose?
Her glass flipper!

I’m directing a play about a boy who broke his arm.
You should see the cast.

It’s bad luck to be superstitious.

When does makeup run?
When you mascare it off.

What is a ghost’s favorite carnival ride? The rollerghoster.

What kind of cats like to go bowling?
Alley cats.

“The only clubs I’m interested in are sandwiches.”
― Unknown

“Flying is hours and hours of boredom sprinkled with a few seconds of sheer terror.”
- Gregory “Pappy” Boyington

Did you hear about the race between the lettuce and the tomato? The lettuce was a "head" and the tomato was trying to "ketchup"!

Dear Turkey, don't worry... they only love us for our breasts too. Sincerely, all women.

I visited Spain and couldn't stop looking at the architecture
It was very Moorish.

What did 0 say to 8? I like your belt!

What’s the difference between a Christmas alphabet and the regular alphabet?
The Christmas alphabet has Noel.

Why are dogwood trees amazing pets? They have a great bark and a wooden bite.

What does a werewolf say in church?
Howleluia!

Our lobster neighbors never give us gifts during the holidays!
They’re so shellfish.

How many "friend zoned" guys does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They just compliment it and then get mad when it won't screw.

Did you hear about the carrot detective? He got to the root of every case.

What do you call cheese who attends art openings?
Cultured.

Why are chefs so mean? They beat eggs and whip cream.

It’s your birthday, there is no cure,
Cakes and candles, you must endure,
Quick and painless, let me assure,
A tiny chance, you will be mature,
With this crowd, usually secure,
Random fun, with results obscure,
Liquids we drink, definitely pure,
Goofy friends, minds we tour,
Hilarious birthday, that’s for sure.

(Martin Dejnicki)

Who do vampires buy their cookies from? The Ghoul Scouts

"I’m 59 and people call me middle-aged. How many 118-year-old men do you know?"- Barry Cryer

I've been diagnosed with a type of amnesia that makes me deny the existence of certain 80's bands.
There is no cure.

“All I ask is a chance to prove that money can’t make me happy." ~ Spike Milligan

Q: Where do fruits like to go on vacations?
A: To the peach.

Why did Harry Potter throw away all his old potions?
They were past their hexpiration date!

My mobile phone has a tuneless ring tone. It's chordless.

A hand mixer started a speakeasy.
It was a wisk-y business.

How does Santa look after the grass on his three gardens? Ho, ho ho.

Why are flowers so good at problem-solving?
They know how to nip things in the bud.

What did the flower tell his son before a big game?
I’m rooting for you.

I was visiting my dear old Grandpa the other day when he said to me, "Let me give you a bit of advice. You can't make an omelette..."
"Without breaking eggs?" I finished for him.
"No. You can't make an omelette," he said, as he scraped it into the bin.

If home is where the heart is, then my home is in you.

“The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.”
Bill Watterson

Why do men have 2 heads and women 4 lips? Cause men do all the thinking and women do all the talking.

“I Thought He Was Going to Kill Me”: One Woman’s Harrowing Misunderstanding of How Haircuts Work