Man: "I’ve had really bad gas lately." Doctor: D"on’t worry, it will pass."
What's a chess player's favourite starter?
Pawn cocktail.
I'll feel more comfortable sleeping at night once I have your number.
I'm willing to lower my standards if you're going on a date with me.
Why did the pianist keep banging his head against the keys?
He was playing by ear.
Son: "Dad, what's the difference between confident and confidential?"
Dad: "Hmmm. Well, you are my son. Of that I am confident. Your friend Timmy is also my son. That's confidential."
Remember me? Oh I'm sorry how would you know me, we've met only in my dreams.
What do you call a Sith Lord who likes to go fishing? Darth Wader.
Cutie, you must be a red blood cell because you take the oxygen away from my lungs and send it straight to my heart.
Oh gosh gal your eyes look like falling stars.
If life is like a box of chocolates,
is it rude to ask for candy?
Can you really say with certainty
that you even understand me?
When life hands you lemons
I think you'd better run.
Cause life can throw a curve ball
and hit you just for fun.
I can do without the chocolates
You can keep your lemons too.
Life is what you make of it
not what it makes of you.
(Sarina McConnell)
Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.
What‘s an Italian’s favorite tea?
Spagettea!
Do you wanna go to a restaurant?
You can't spell “menu” without me and u.
Seen it all, done it all, can’t remember most of it.
What happens when you buy too much ice cream?
Breyer’s remorse.
What is a koala bear’s favorite line in the movie “The Sixth Sense”? “Aussie dead people.”
Did you hear about the statistician who drowned crossing the river?
It was three feet deep on average.
Welcome to plastic surgery addicts anonymous.
I see a few new faces here this week and I must say I am very disappointed.
I'm very proud of my family for owning such a musical property.
We live in A flat.
If an elf can’t do something right now, how do they handle it?
Shelf it for later.
What does the parrot get at the end of a restaurant meal? The bill!
You are so beautiful that you give the sun a reason to shine.
Where is the first tennis match mentioned in the Bible?
When Joseph served in Pharaoh’s court.
"You bake me crazy."
My bag of fruit snacks had all grapes
Today’s gonna be a grape day!
Sorry, I can't play hide and seek. Someone like you is simply impossible to find.
If I freeze, it's not a computer virus. I was just stunned by your beauty.
What do you call a otter that can pick up an elephant ? Sir!
Why is everyone mad when the pig crosses the road?
Because he’s a road hog.
Grandma: Do you like Hummus? Me: I love Hummus....and I sometimes like to singus!
Why was the teenager deer a bad driver?
He didn’t want to use the deering wheel.
What do witches put on their hair? Scare spray.
Listen to them, children of the night. Let’s give them some competition.
Which commandment do baseball players hate the most? Thou shall not steal.
"The first thing you learn in life is you’re a fool. The last thing you learn in life is you’re the same fool."
Anonymous
As a school project, we wanted to perform a Jesus play
but the only guy who had the traditional famous Jesus look had blond hair.
We begged him to dye it black, but he refused.
After explaining it to his parents, they agreed to let their son dye for our scenes.
I don't need Christmas lights, you're already shining so bright.
So in my trip to Spain i got attacked by a bull.
Oh man that's spainful.
Once upon a time I was accidentally made a priest.
It was a clerical error.
Why did the man wear a rabbit as a hat? He didn’t want anyone to harm a Hare on his head!
“Sometimes I would like to be a child again, and other times a woman made of snow.”
– Deirdre Sullivan
"The British soldier can stand up to anything except the British War Office."
~ George Bernard Shaw
A homicide detective walks into a bar and orders a beer.
"Hey look at those birds outside," the bartender comments to him. "Did you know that a group of crows like that is called a murder?"
"Well you can't be sure that's a murder," the detective says. "Unless there is probable caws."
"An onion can make people cry but there's never been a vegetable that can make people laugh."
— Will Rogers
Would you like to come to my quarters tonight for some toast?
What kind of donuts can fly?
The plain ones.
“Beat the 5 o’clock rush, leave work at noon.” — Anonymous
I started a company selling land mines disguised as prayer mats.
Prophets are going through the roof.
I broke both my legs yesterday and now I have to use a wheelchair
I really can’t stand my situation right now.