Why do people like working at the Red Lobster?
It helps them get out of their shell.
When does a farmer dance? When he drops the beet.
I wonder why Lenin didn't realize that communism would fail to work. There were so many red flags everywhere.
Onions have had a long process in the evolutionary chain. They have evolved into today's onions from onionderthals.
Why do seals carry fish in their mouth?
Because they don't have pockets.
My dad tried to put peas into an orange once. It didn't appeal to me.
Look into my compound eyes and say you'll eat our young.
What do Penguins like to eat?
Brrrrrrrritos.
If there were no God, there would be no atheists. -- G. K. Chesterton
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said ....
You know, one would have been enough.
Why didn’t the bicycle cross the road?
Because it was two tired!
Is your name Sunshine? Because you are “In my soul today”.
I cant use the urinals when there's a person next to me, I get pee-er pressure
Did you hear about the Elf booted from the chorus?
He couldn't Fa-la-la-la-long.
"Dust"
The grey dust runs on the ground like a mouse,
Over the doorstep and into the house,
Under the bedsteads and tables and chairs,
Up to the rooms at the top of the stairs,
Down to the cellar, across the brick floor-
There! It is off again by the back door!
Never a mousetrap can catch the grey mouse
Who keeps the brooms busy all over the house!
– P. A. Ropess
Why did the engineering students leave class early? They were getting a little ANSI.
The rancher's Wifi wasn't working so he moved the router to the barn...
Now he has a stable connection
When do zombies go to sleep?
When they are dead tired.
How do you get down off an penguin?
You don’t – you get down off a duck.
What’s the coolest part of a skeleton?
The hip.
Where do otters keep their money? In the river bank!
How do you trap a drum kit?
Use a snare
Elephant boxing matches are very difficult to watch. It becomes tough to identify as both have grey trunks!
A friend of mine has a mobile phone shaped like an Italian dumpling. It's a gnocchia.
You’re my lucky charm.
Call me a pirate and give me that booty.
The dock keeps floating above the river because of the pier- pressure.
What is the easiest way to make a banana split? Cut it in half.
Why was the birthday cake as hard as a rock?
Because it was marble cake!
God gave us two ears, two eyes, two legs and two hands, but he only gave us one heart, and he wanted me to find you and tell you, you are the second one.
When the bread started crying because it was toast, the loaf told him, "You deserve butter."
Hey girl, are you looking for your knight in shining armor?
Well I just happen to be wearing the full armor of God.
"Car sickness is the feeling you get when the monthly payment is due." ~Author Unknown
Why did the gardener think her plant was sick?
It was looking very green.
Harry asks his wife Harriet: "What would you like as a present for your birthday?"
Harriet looks at him sarcastically and yells "A divorce!" and then throws her head back and laughs.
Harry looks down wringing his hands, "I wasn't thinking of spending that much."
"Running makes me feel less like I want to kill people."
From a runner's T-shirt
We were all sturtled by the incoming news.
The group of beavers loved the river because it has a really bubbly personality.
I have 3 eyes , 2 noses and a mouth. What am I?
Ugly.
Why was the mouse afraid of the water?
Catfish.
It will be a habitual action for me to offer you a simple present.
Did you hear about the artist's really messy house? He said it was 'a work in progress'.
“Turkey: A large bird whose flesh, when eaten on certain religious anniversaries, has the peculiar property of attesting piety and gratitude.” —Ambrose Bierce
My love for you is like diarrhea, I just can't hold it in.
What do you call two days of rain in a row in Seattle?
The weekend.
Why is the giant afraid of Jack?
Because Jack's beanstalking him.
Why don’t rabbits get hot in the summertime? They have hare conditioning!
The US army secretly trains pigeons to help overthrow hostile foreign governments.
It’s a military coo.
What did the pillow say when the blanket asked it to come hang out?
I'm down
Do you want to be my doubles partner...for life?