If you throw your peas in the sky you get air pods.
Q: Why did the cookie go to the hospital?
A: He was feeling really crumbie!
Today my "O" button on my keyboard stopped working.
Maybe it was a sign I should've stopped o-ppressing the keyboard.
I was going to try putting a mushroom into my cola. I wanted to be a my cola gist.
“My mind says ‘abs’ but my heart says ‘cheese fries’.”
― Unknown
Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprimand the child.
Smiling sweetly, the Sunday school teacher said, "Johnny, when I was a little girl, I was told if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that."
Little Johnny looked up and replied, "Well, Ms Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."
What is the difference between pea soup and roast beef? Everyone would roast beef.
"Have you heard of Murphy's law?"
"Yeah."
"What is it?"
"If something can go wrong, it will go wrong."
"Right. Have you heard of Cole's Law?"
"No, what is it?"
"Thinly sliced cabbage."
I was riding my bike through the countryside when I was attacked by a herd of sheep!
Fortunately, I was only grazed.
My lobster's name is:
Claude
Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers?
He will stop at nothing to avoid them.
What's yellow and black and yellow and black and yellow and black?
A wasp rolling down a hill.
What did Abel yell to his brother when he noticed a storm coming?
Hurry, Cain!!
What is a cowboy’s favorite tree?
A horse chestnut tree.
“The more you’re loving and understanding, the more your kids will sing.”
- Maxime Lagacé
What's the difference between Hummus and Humus?
"mmmm"
Did you hear that Notre Dame gave up four interceptions last week?
Knute Rockne would turnover in his grave!
How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber? Ask them to pronounce "unionized."
What did the bride say to her new husband at their wedding? - I love you so mush-groom!
I wasn’t sure if I ordered enough tacos from Taco Bell.
So I got a just in quesadilla.
You may want to seek help if you feel despresso when you don't have coffee.
I painted my dog’s nails So he can look paw-ty.
Silly Sally swiftly shooed seven silly sheep. The seven silly sheep Silly Sally shooed shilly-shallied south. These sheep shouldn’t sleep in a shack; sheep should sleep in a shed.
Would you allow me to experience what’s beyond your Event Horizon?
There was an Old Person of Leeds,
Whose head was infested with beads;
She sat on a stool,
And ate gooseberry fool,
Which agreed with that person of Leeds.
I was so disappointed when I went to the court house themed restaurant and all they gave me was frozen water.
Justice was served.
As you would expect, most airline pilots make friends only in high places.
Why do farmers make terrible comedians?
Their jokes are corny!
The hotel said NO DOGS ALLOWED.
I guess it was a little too paw-sh.
Why do seals carry fish in their mouth?
Because they don't have pockets.
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.
When do you know a joke is a dad joke?
When the punchline is a parent.
Why did the Beatles stop inviting Ringo to Thanksgiving?
Because he wouldn't share the drumsticks.
My dog is sad after eating her favorite fruit and getting wet from the juice.
She's a watered melancholy watermelon collie.
"The trouble with eating Italian food is that five or six days later, you're hungry again."
— George Miller
A dog walks into a bar and is promptly escorted out, as animals are not allowed.
All gardeners know better than other gardeners.”
— Chinese Proverb
What is red and not good for your teeth?
A brick.
Dad: Where do desert nomads buy their camels?
Son: I dunno. Where?
Dad: at Camelot.
Emphysema puffs pink, chronic bronchitis makes you blue, but no COPD makes me as breathless as you!
You shouldn't wear make up, baby.
It's messing with perfection.
Dancing Queen used to have a lot of profanity in its lyrics, but after computers became common
No-one needed an ABBA cuss
Does a pink candle burn longer than a blue one?
No, they both burn shorter!
My favorite attractive force is Van der Waal's force. Can you feel it? I'll move closer if you can't.
My Aunt with half a plate left: I don't think I can eat anymore, this meat is just not appealing to me.
Me: Have a potato, it has a peal.
What do you call an ant who doesn’t smell anymore?
Deodor-ant.
What keeps the beat in a baseball song?
The bass line.
When is the worst time to have a heart attack?
During a game of charades.
How do sick kangaroos get better?
They have a hoperation.
Hey, do you wanna hear my text tone? Just message me and you’ll see how great it is.