Writers are cold because they’re surrounded by drafts.
An Iranian entrepreneur opened a copy shop.
It's called *Prints of Persia*.
Are you a firework?! Because your lighting up my eyes.
Hey girl, are you related to Abraham's nephew?
Because I like you a LOT.
What is the pineapple’s relationship status? Pineapply married.
Deja moo:
That feeling you've heard this bull before.
My dad hates the ocean, but the other day he bought a boat.
He never could resist a good sail.
Where does wine catch up on all the vineyard dirt?
Through the grapevine.
“It could be that your purpose in life is to serve as a warning to others.”
Ashleigh Brilliant
Why did the banana fail his driving test? He kept peeling out.
“I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.”
Noel Coward
What do bakers tell their children at night?
Breadtime stories.
I don't usually brag about my drum jokes but um...
tss
“There is nowhere morning does not go.”
– Leah Hager Cohen
Some airplanes are so cramped that at the end of the trip, you suffer jet leg.
I thought I saw some fog yesterday.
But I guess my memory’s a little cloudy.
What’s the only type of melon that changes colours at will? Well, a chamelon.
Did you hear about the potato that got its head chopped off? It was decap-potatoed.
What is the maggot army called? The Apple Corps.
How do koalas stay in shape? They do bearobics.
What did Sophocles call his dating service in Ancient Greece?
Oedipal Arrangements.
A bunch of vampire hunters needed to talk
So they scheduled a stakeholders meeting.
The chocolate couple decided to rent a two bedroom sweet for their summer honeymoon.
My wife will never forget falling asleep in the sun with her breast exposed.
It’s forever burned in her mammary.
“Do you wish me a good morning, or mean that it is a good morning whether I want it or not; or that you feel good this morning; or that it is a morning to be good on?”
— J.R.R. Tolkien
What kind of helmet does a hermit crab wear?
A shell-met!
Why didn't the unripe strawberry got any cards and chocolates for Valentine's Day? Because it was really sour.
My father was born as a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them at birth.
So I have an uncle, once removed.
Why do flamingos fly south in winter? Because it would be too far to walk.
Why didn’t the skeleton feel like patching up his broken ribcage?
His heart wasn’t in it.
There was an Old Person of Leeds,
Whose head was infested with beads;
She sat on a stool,
And ate gooseberry fool,
Which agreed with that person of Leeds.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Control freak.
Co…
You should say "Control freak who" now.
Did you know Def Leppard's drummer makes the best Thanksgiving guest?
He only ever needs one drumstick.
My coffee is really hot. But you're hotter.
My mom thinks I'm gay, can you help me prove her wrong?
Astronaut 1: I can't find any milk for my coffee.
Astronaut 2: In space, no one can. Here, use cream.
My friend told me all about his friend's girlfriend who was playing saxophone.
Apparently she was a saxy lady.
“I’m sick of following my dreams, man. I’m just going to ask where they’re going and hook up with ’em later.”
Mitch Hedberg
Autumn brings re-leaf from the heat.
Where do most koala movie stars live? In Koalawood, Koalafornia, of course!
Thank goodness for Halloween, all of a sudden, cobwebs in my house are decorations!
What do you get when you cross a bee and a sheep?
A bah-humbug.
My wife drove our German car off the pier into the sea. The next day I went diving to look for it.
I got the Benz.
How many dinosaurs can fit in an empty box ? One . After that, the box isn't empty anymore!
The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
He acquired his size from too much pi.
"Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome."
- Oscar Levant
What do you call it when it's raining and the sun is shining but a rainbow doesn't come out? A refrainbow.
What did you have for breakfast?
- rubber balls and liquor!
What did you have for lunch?
- rubber balls and liquor!
What did you have for dinner?
- rubber balls and liquor!
What do you do when your sister comes home?
- rubber balls and liquor!
I recently heard on the news that due to newly detected fungus infection in the onions, the government was recalling all the recent packages of the vegetables. Despite being a farmer, I had no tears to shed over this.
“Being different is a revolving door in your life where secure people enter and insecure exit.”
— Shannon L. Alder