Why shouldn’t you tell a secret on a farm? Because the corn has ears.
Are you epinephrine? ‘Cause baby, you make my heart race….
There was an Old Person of Ewell,
Who chiefly subsisted on gruel;
But to make it more nice
He inserted some mice,
Which refreshed that Old Person of Ewell.
What do you call a zoo that has only giraffes in it?
Giraffic Park.
Why did the corn farmer go to jail?
He was stalking someone in a field.
"I am pretty sure that, if you will be quite honest, you will admit that a good rousing sneeze, one that tears open your collar and throws your hair into your eyes, is really one of life's sensational pleasures." - Robert Benchley
“Monday is great if I can spend it in bed. I’m a man of simple pleasures, really.”
– Arthur Darvill
What took you so long? I've been Kuwait-ing for you my whole life.
Everybody wants to light up a soccer stadium. However, this is only possible using a soccer match.
What do you call a woman who sounds like an ambulance?
Nina.
Why should you never trust a train? They have loco motives.
What did the giant say to Jack when he caught him sneaking around his castle?
"Have you bean stalking me?"
What washes up on tiny beaches? Microwaves.
You stole my heart, so can I steal your last name?
There was an Old Person of Ewell,
Who chiefly subsisted on gruel;
But to make it more nice
He inserted some mice,
Which refreshed that Old Person of Ewell.
I found a side job collecting dog poo from people's yards.
It's not much, but business is picking up.
How do you make an apple puff? Chase it around the garden.
You know what it's called when you hurry to develop a vaccine?
... Russian.
"Half the modern drugs could well be thrown out the window, except that the birds might eat them." - Martin H. Fischer
My landlord said we need to talk about how high my heating bill is.
I replied: “Sure, my door is always open.”
If you are what you eat, does that mean all squirrels are nuts?
I broke up with my girlfriend after she contracted the corona virus
I’ve decided to wash my hands of her.
The other day a man tried to mug me with a blunt knife...
It was pointless.
Excuse me, is your name Grace?
Because you're amazing!
What does a monster wear when it rains?
His ghoul-oshes!
A spectator at a baseball game wondered why the ball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then, it hit him.
As my wife was giving birth, all the doctors and nurses started yelling, “Push! Push!”
I was convinced it was a Pull door.
Yo baby, you want to see me solve a quadratic?
Why was there thunder and lightning in the lab? The scientists were brainstorming!
Roses are red, violets are blue, I ain't no poet, but neither are you.
Why are nuns such great sprint runners?
'Cause they're used to being chaste.
For my birthday, my friends gave me a bunch of dirt and sand.
I appreciated the sediment.
Why was the realtor upset with his truck driver client one day?
The client wanted a house with really long haul ways.
Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill? He wanted to get to the bottom.
"I’m so cool I wasn’t actually born, I was defrosted."
"Everyone’s a little bit crazy and a little bit loud. But everyone’s sharing a generous amount of love."
Where do birch trees keep their jewelry? In the river bank.
So I went to France and bought a house made of bread
I guess you could say I'm living in pain.
The pilot was lucky. He always had work. Whenever he made an application, it was almost certain that he would land a job.
“The economy depends about as much on economists as the weather does on weather forecasters." ~Jean-Paul Kauffmann
My friend over there really wants your number so he knows where to get a hold of me in the morning.
Q: What do you call a gust of wind full of sand?
A: A rough draft
Zebras are just horses that escaped from prison.
"There's lots of people in this world who spend so much time watching their health that they haven't the time to enjoy it." - Josh Billings
There was a Young Lady whose chin,
Resembled the point of a pin;
So she had it made sharp,
And purchased a harp,
And played several tunes with her chin.
The orange was really sad at the event because it had no peelings whatsoever for the desperate prune.
If Santa made love to a pickle, what would they call their baby?
Claussen.
What TV shows are squeaky clean?
Soap Operas
What did the dough say after half an hour in the oven?
I’m bready.
I saw some leprechauns putting coins in the vending machine but in vain. They were using lepre-coins.