Theatre costumes must be handled with care since they're often laced with something.
Why did the penguin cross the road twice?
To prove he wasn’t chicken.
What would you call a dairy product that is horrible? “Udder bullshit.”
Hey (say their name), I know this is not a chat room but my lips want to chat with yours.
What does a cheese lover say when someone keeps messing around with them?
“You gouda brie kidding!”
How many snacks could a snack stacker stack, if a snack stacker snacked stacked snacks?
What happens when you cross an iron with a telephone? You get a smooth signal.
What do you call two spine bones that are friends?
Vertebros.
How do you know that beer makes you smarter?
Because it made bud wiser.
I’m browsing the winter-net.
Yesterday, I changed a light bulb, crossed the street, and walked into a bar.
My life is a joke.
Interesting fact: A nectarine can also be a peach if it does not have peach fuzz.
I guess you could say that things hit by tornado's are blown up.
“In olden times, sacrifices were made at the altar, a practice which is still very much practiced.” —Helen Rowland
Why did the bat break up with her girlfriend?
She thought she was a pain in the neck.
What do you call a woman with a frog on her head?
Lily.
Did you hear about the Spanish ocean?
Si.
Why did he skeleton go to the barbecue? To get another rib.
“I really don’t play well with others on a Monday. Can I skip today and just start again with Tuesday?”
What’s worse than one crocodile coming to dinner?
Two crocodiles coming to dinner.
I'm on a hunt - for your number.
I’ve always liked one-liners. That’s why I’m a fan of monorails.
German tourist visits France.
Guy at the Airport: "Nationality?"
German Dude: "German".
Airport Guy: "Occupation?"
German Dude: "Nein, nein, Only Vacation".
“Did you hear the forecast for Christmas Eve? They’re calling for rain, dear!”
What did the fish say when it ran into the wall?
Dam.
What do you call it when a pig loses its memory? Hamnesia.
What do you call a witch's spotless garage?
A broom closet.
After playing guitar for years I thought I could learn to play the piano.
But it's not an easy instrument to pick up.
Which films is the car’s favourite?
WiperBlade 1, 2 and Trinity.
Why does the yogi meditate under the citrus tree?
Because it’s a sub-lime spot.
You know, it's not the length of the vector that counts. It's how you apply the force.
Every Valentines Day, I bring a smile to my wife’s face.
By taking down the Christmas tree.
What is a cowboy’s favorite tree?
A horse chestnut tree.
What do you get when you cross a rabbit with an elephant? An animal who never forgets to eat its carrots.
What do you call an alligator that sneaks up and bites you from behind?
A tail-gator.
"I've always enjoyed poor health." —Taylor Caldwell
I got so mad at my partner hitting moonballs, I had to pusher off the court.
You can be the queen of my kingdom.
What do you get when you cross a chicken and a cow? Roost beef!
Why do medieval ghosts refuse to stop at McDonald's?
They prefer Wight Castle.
What does seaweed say when it's stuck at the bottom of the sea? "Kelp! Kelp!"
What do you call a single, solitary kernel of corn?
A unicorn!
What are the four seasons?
Salt, Pepper, Sugar and Flour.
“I only go to yoga to drink wine, so I’m good. I just throw the calories right back in.” – Kaley Cuoco
"Remember, the second most important thing to choosing the right shoe is choosing the left one."
Unknown
Why did the bus driver stay out all night? He was 'driving' around town!
Have you found the center of gravity yet? It’s the letter v.
What monster plays the most April Fool’s jokes?
Prankenstein!
Are you a red blood cell? Because you never fail in delivering what my heart needs.
You’re so beautiful even the leaves fall for you.