My dad has been making Halloween related puns all morning
He's now asking that I call him the Halloween Pun King.
Why shouldn't you smoke weed during a thunder storm?
Because lightning strikes the highest object.
Why shouldn’t you let kids watch band performances on TV?
Too much sax and violins.
What's the worst part about April Fools?
Jokes without punchlines.
What happens to witches who break the school rules?
They get ex-spelled.
It’s so hot outside I just saw two hobbits throw a ring off my roof.
I only date blind people. It's the only way to make sure they're not seeing other lovers.
Say this aloud: Eye Yam Stew Peed
Why was the horse a great editor?
She was very thorough bred.
Is a goat that eats office supplies on a staple diet?
How did Benjamin Franklin feel when he discovered electricity?
Shocked!
How did the skeleton know the other skeleton was lying?
He could see right through him.
“Hiking is just walking where it’s okay to pee.” – Demetri Martin
Why did the insomniac man get arrested? He resisted a rest
Why are people buying so much toilet paper because of the corona virus?
Because when one person sneezes, 100 people shit themselves.
Some people say popcorn is hard to chew. There’s a kernel of truth to that.
Why does the ocean roar?
You would too if you had crabs on your bottom.
Roses are red,
I have a phone,
Nobody texts me,
Forever Alone.
“No matter how much time you spend reading books or following your intuition, you’re gonna screw it up. Fifty times. You can’t do parenting right.”
- Alan Arkin.
What do you find when you swallow peas whole?
Inner peas
"Nature is by and large to be found out of doors, a location where, it cannot be argued, there are never enough comfortable chairs."
- Fran Lebowitz
I bought a really small cow last week. I really wanted to try condensed milk.
What did the bat say to the friend who itched and squirmined?
Come back when you have washed out the virmin.
When a planet dies, does it get an orbituary?
Did you hear about the guy who died when an axe fell on him? The police are calling it an axe-i-dent.
I don’t know why I couldn’t convince my wife she would like the set of knives I made her for Mother’s Day.
I made several good points.
What do you call a 100 year old ant?
An ant-ique.
Who needs luck? I have charm.
Did you hear the one about the statistician.
Probably.
You radiate in the shortest wavelengths I’ve ever encountered.
Did you hear about the poker player who lost his arm and got a prosthetic replacement?
He’s finding it hard to deal with.
The painter loved to paint because he was drawn to art.
“I suppose I will die never knowing what pumpkin pie tastes like when you have room for it.” —Robert Brault
“Plant carrots in January and you’ll never have to eat carrots.”
— Anonymous
I said “no” to drugs, but they just wouldn’t listen.
It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.
“Monday is a sloppy umbrella day, which makes everybody a little blue.”
– George Leedy
Mother Superior had to crack down on sisters wearing perfume in the convent.
She said she would not tolerate such nun scents.
There's a new erectile dysfunction medicine on the market
Its called mycoxaflopin
Why did the vampire need mouthwash? Because he had bat breath.
I know you're busy today, but can you add me to your to-do list?
Happy birthday”- these two words
Are very often said
Many times and everywhere
They have been heard and read
If I use these oldish words
Believe me, that it’s true
From the bottom of my heart
They spring and just for you
(Horst Winkler)
Q. Which kind of ape enjoys smoking tobaco?
A. Cigarilla.
What kind of candy bar does an employee crave before the weekend? A Payday
No matter what shampoo I use, I can’t seem to get rid of my dandruff.
It’s a real head scratcher.
I think I drank some expired milk. I just have a gut feeling.
Where do bulls get their messages? On a bull-etin board.
During the cold war all the countries involved went into hibernation.
A dog went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote: "Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof."
The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog, "There are only nine words here. You could send another 'Woof' for the same price."
"Yea but that would make no sense." replied the dog.
It’s a good thing I have my library card because I am totally checking you out.