Irish you a happy St. Patrick’s Day!
What do vampire bats call their friends?
Blood brothers.
Why did the ocean break up with the pond?
She thought he was too shallow.
Can you do sign language?
I wish I knew how to sign because I don't think any spoken words can describe how beautiful you are.
My grandfather had the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the Central Park Zoo.
Want to hear a joke about paper?
Nevermind, it's tearrible.
Why did the dunce get hurt after raking leaves? He fell out of the tree.
When something evolves, it becomes a fork of nature.
People argue that the Romans were wrong to crucify Jesus
Personally, I think they nailed it.
What did one python say to the other before they made a deal?
Let’s “snake” on it.
Did you hear about the new holistic elf doctor?
He's a gnome-opath!
Are you a carbon sample? Because I want to date you.
How could you tell the horse was getting old?
It was wither-ing away.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Nana.
Nana who?
Nana your business.
Werewolves love similes and metafurs.
What do you call a detective who is also a real estate agent?
Sherlock Homes
Until I saw you, I didn't believe I'd ever see an arctic fox.
The color turquoise was judged as the best new color because it was cyantifically proven to be.
Why should you be cautious of a Finnish submarine captain?
He’ll sink ye.
“I put all my money into taxes. They’re the only thing that’s sure to go up!”
What’s the link between turkeys and teddies?
Stuffing. Lots of stuffing.
Pigs, when out in public, have to keep an eye on their valuables as they are vulnerable to pigpockets.
Why are chefs so mean? They beat eggs and whip cream.
How do lions greet people?
"Pleased to eat you!"
I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and by then it was too late.
Max Kaufman
Who is the wasps' favorite singer?
Sting.
The football won’t be the only thing spiked at this party.
The only difference between time and a ball hog is that the former passes.
What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? An irrelephant.
“I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.” — Anonymous
Why did the gorilla cross the road? He had to take care of some monkey business.
“A little bit of summer is what the whole year is all about.”
– John Mayer
I was asked who my favorite vampire was. I said it was the Muppet from Sesame Street.
They said, he doesn't count!
I replied, "I can assure you, he does!"
Did you hear about the circus fire? Yeah, it was in'tents'.
What do you call a gathering of Arthur's Knights?
A Sir conference
Women sometimes make fools of men, but most guys are the do-it-yourself type.
Where are sharks from?
Finland!
What happens when a Mexican gets to the worm? He passes out.
Roses are red, violets are blue....
....
....
Sorry I just got lost in those eyes of you.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Gorilla!
Gorilla who?
Gorilla burger! I've got the buns!
Got my new blender yesterday but I can't tell if I like or not though...
It keeps giving me mixed results.
There's this video game about an FBI psychologist hunting a Viking Angel of Death....
I believe it's named Valkyrie's Profile.
If the sun shines while it’s snowing, what should you look for?
Snowbows.
How did knights in the middle-ages get across a moat?
Moataboat
Are you a banana? Because you're great at the splits.
I just won local "Worst Body Odor Contest".
No one else came close.
What has leaves, is green and a trunk? A houseplant heading on vacation.
You know you’re getting old when…
People call at 9 p.m. and ask, “Did I wake you?”
What do you call a magician that lost his magic?
Ian.
A truck carrying Lego got into an accident on the motorway. No one knows what happened; the authorities are still trying to piece everything together.