I'm a bird watcher and I'm looking for a Big Breasted Bed Rocker.
I think I've just found one.
“If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it." ~Author Unknown
Q: Why did the tiger eat the lamp?
A: He wanted a light lunch.
Oh laundry, sometimes I feel like our first president...
Because I am washing-a-ton.
How do you decide whether to be a Brain Surgeon or a Novelist?
You flip a coin. It’ll land on heads or tales.
Fish taco says why don't you want to taco about it And the nacho says cause I'm nacho friend.
What did a viking said to the other after a dad joke?
Aesir what you did there.
What do you call an elephant with rotors?
A Nellie-copter.
What did the pig say on a hot summer’s day?
I’m bacon!
Why don't potatoes go to parties?
They're scared of the Monster Mash.
"I can't wait to start blaming my normal lack of productivity on it being summer"
My new Halloween cookies are bringing everyone back for more!
I call them boo merginues.
"The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children." – Clarence Day
“A messy house is a must—it separates your true friends from other friends. Real friends are there to visit you not your house!”
— Jennifer Wilson
Whats green and smells like bacon? Kermit the Frog's finger! Why do we cook bacon and bake cookies?
What kind of wine do they serve at the horse races?
Chardon-neigh!
Why is research more trustworthy if it comes from France?
It's Pierre-reviewed.
“The thing about parenting rules is there aren’t any. That’s what makes it so difficult.”
- Ewan McGregor.
I'm not a snowman, but woman, you make my heart melt.
Who carries out operations in a river? A sturgeon.
In what state is the Amazon River? It is in the liquid state.
"I'm an Easter eggs-pert."
Why was the pony so excited to be invited to a rally with the president?
It was a huge end-horse-ment.
“Watching your daughter being collected by her date feels like handing over a million-dollar Stradivarius to a gorilla.”
- Jim Bishop.
Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
Noah - he was floating his stock while everyone was in liquidation.
Did you hear about the bank that wanted to put an ATM up a tree? If it works, they are going to expand the idea to other branches.
One of my kitchen utensils seems to be playing classical music.
Think it’s the Chopin board.
Why do cows think cooks are mean?
They whip cream.
“People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day!” — Anonymous
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Iona.
Iona who?
Iona new car!
If I had a dollar for every time I was suspicious ...
I'd wonder why I got so much water.
I froze some raspberries last summer. You're hot enough to defrost them.
Shut up the shutters and sit in the shop.
What do you call an American Bee?
A USB.
I'm not like other keyboards...
I'm qwerty
I take it that you are the captain of the sun.
What competition do nuts participate in?
The peanut butter cup.
Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia is the Fear of long words.
It’s so cold that Grandpa’s teeth are chattering – in the glass!
What do you do with a wardrobe door that is slightly ajar?
You clothes it.
What's the most common sleeping position of a man? Around. What does a penis and an ego have in common? All men have one!
He was showing off his new gaming gadget, "it has the latest peach recognition technology" he said.
What do you call it when you've choked on water while jogging every morning this week?
The worst running gag ever.
Wanna make out in my Tundra Buggy?
Thieves broke into my house and stole everything but my soap, shower gel, towels and deodorant...
Dirty Bastards.
“Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she laid an asteroid."
- Mark Twain
I had a flamingo come to stay with me when he had a cold. We nicknamed him phlegmingo.
Do you know what the favourite soup of a ghost is? It is the Scream of Broccoli.
Why did the swan hiss? Biologically, it’s coded in their genes to do so when threatened.
Why did Neil Armstrong pee right after he made his first step on the moon?
He wanted to go where no man had gone before.