What food did the Gorilla order when he went to France?
Ape Suzettes.
I cut a dill with this spicy mami, but at the last minute she ginger mind.
Some people have to stop telling meat puns, because they simply butcher every single joke.
“A good rule to remember for life is that when it comes to plastic surgery and sushi, never be attracted by a bargain.”
Graham Norton
Why are environmentalists attracted to electricity? It’s natural.”
What do you call a man with no body and no nose?
Nobody knows
Three tomatoes are walkin' down the street.
Papa Tomato, Mama Tomato and Baby Tomato.
Baby Tomato starts lagging behind, and Papa Tomato gets really angry.
Goes back and squishes him and says: "Ketchup."
What all kinds of stars wear the sunglasses? The movie stars.
You're hotter than a data center!
Q. Which kind of cheese is made fom deer milk?
A. Moose-erella.
“Unfortunately, I did not become a millionaire over the weekend, so I have to return to work on Monday.”
Which alphabet gang strikes fear in the hearts of the other letters?
I Q U.
Who is a snake’s favorite actor?
Humphrey Boa-gart.
You know what really floats my boat?
Surface tension.
Falling in love with you takes less time than my DNA takes to replicate.
Take off your shirt, I want to be closer to your heart.
I went to see my Doctor this morning and told him "The tablets you gave me to stop me shrinking aren't working".
He said, “You'll just have to be a little patient then”.
What’s so great about whiteboards?
If you think about it, they’re pretty re-markable!
What did one flea say to the other?
Shall we walk, or shall we take the dog?
I live on top of the mountain and i usually have 99 problems
But the beach ain't one
The beaver offered some freshly streamed buns to his guests.
What is a Vikings favourite letter?
Well obviously it's the C!
A major produce organization is reeling after multiple reports of tainted lettuce.
We may soon witness the falling of the Romaine Empire.
What do kids play when they can’t play with a phone?
Bored games.
What do you call a 5 foot hobo?
Whatever his name is.
It wasn't til I studied Spanish as an adult that learned Spain discovered Canada.
As our teacher explained it, the first maps said "Acá, nada."
What nut is always begging for attention?
Pssst-tachios.
What do you get if you feed gunpowder to a chicken?
An egg-splosion.
Why can't buses make friends? Because they only pick up strangers!
The nut gave her boyfriend the kola shoulder for missing their date.
My buddy asked me "if you could kill anyone in history, who would it be?"
I said I probably wouldn't kill anyone in history, but Pete in math is bloody annoying sometimes.
When I look into the Mirror of Erised, I see you giving me your number.
Why is Jupiter so sad and heartbroken? Because his crush wants a plutonic relationship with him.
Lawmen From Mexico Barbecue Guests
What do a balloon and a man have in common?
One prick pretty much ruins them.
What did the metamorphic rock say during the test? This is too much pressure!
Are you cold? You look like you could use some hot chocolate… Well, here I am!
Why don't birds make cell phone calls? They might accidentally wing the wrong number.
Just bought my wife a refrigerator, for our Anniversary:
Cannot wait to see her face light up when she opens it.
The old and wise onion had once told me that life is similar to onions. Whenever we peel off our protective layers, we end up crying.
A knight bursts into a blacksmith and yells "You smelt my armor!"
The blacksmith was calm and collected and replied: "Yes, and what a lovely scent it had."
What are the benefits of city buses using green fuel? They’ll always be on thyme.
Why was the physicist studying gravitational fields handsomer than the one studying electrical fields?
Electrical Fields may be repulsive at times, but Gravitational Fields are forever attractive.
How do the crows in Texas greet each other?
Yee-caw
Why did the T-Rex only sell hand-guns?
He was a small-arms dealer.
“A snowball in the face is surely the perfect beginning to a lasting friendship.”
– Markus Zusak
I wanted to do some research on organs in biology, but I had no WiFi and couldn't find the information I wanted.
I wound up using cellular.
Where does a Knights templar keep his valuables?
A deus vult
Are you still wondering why the basketball player could listen to his music? Don’t you know he broke a record!
My frinds call me Legato, since I'm so smooth