For my birthday, my friends gave me a bunch of dirt and sand.
I appreciated the sediment.
"How do you shoot a killer bee?" "With a bee bee gun."
Why didn't ancient Romans reuse crosses after crucifixions?
To avoid cross contamination
What did the witness say at the gnome trial? In my gnome words here’s what happened.
What do you call a medieval dentist?
A plaque doctor.
What is the difference between a catfish and a lawyer? One is a bottom-dwelling, scum-sucking scavenger and the other is a fish!
How much does a polar bear weigh? Enough to break the thin ice our relationship is on.
Help!!! There's nobody steering this yacht!!
Don't worry. It's on yachtopilot.
Oscar Wilde
A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, “At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas."
“Never underestimate a child’s ability to get into more trouble.”
- Martin Mull.
A man walks into a bar with a chunk of asphalt under his arm.
He goes up to the bartender and says "A drink please and another for the road."
Treat yo'elf.
The only thing tender today is my heart for you
How do playful monkeys go down the stairs?
They slide down the banana-ster!
Q: Why is there so much wind inside a sports arena?
A: Because of all the fans.
Excuse me, I think you dropped something - my jaw.
What do you get if cross a baseball player and a monster?
A double header.
“If dogs could talk, it would take a lot of fun out of owning one.” —Andrew A. Rooney
What did the mummy order to eat when he went to a restaurant? A wrap.
You are one well-defined function!
Where do most horses work for their first job?
Re-tail stores.
How rude-olf of you.
“The only thing that kids wear out faster than shoes is their parents.”
- John J. Plomp.
Roses are red,
Violets are too,
I’m colorblind,
What about you?
As a substitute teacher, I get up every morning and ask myself the important questions in life; Who am I? Where am I going?
And then I check with the school to find out.
This may be cheesy, but I think you're grate.
I wasn’t originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.
“Don’t worry if people think you’re crazy. You are crazy. You have that kind of intoxicating insanity that lets other people dream outside of the lines and become who they’re destined to be.”
— Jennifer Elisabeth
What is a Greek dog’s favorite dessert?
Barklava!
A bunch of vampire hunters needed to talk
So they scheduled a stakeholders meeting.
Are you an astronaut? Because I need some space.
What do you call it when a prisoner takes his own mug shot? A cellfie.
What do you call a koala with a negative attitude? The bearer of bad news.
here do lobsters go to borrow money? The prawn broker.
Why did the elf use a duck to wake him on Christmas morning?
So he could be up at the quack of dawn!
Where are koalas taken when they die? To an ancient bearial site.
What side of the tree contains the most leaves? The outside, of course.
This autumn, the garden told the mower to leaf him alone in peace.
“An optimist is a person who starts a new diet on Thanksgiving Day.” —Irv Kupcinet
Which country hates Thanksgiving?
Turkey
What do you call a potato that smokes weed? A baked potato.
I wanna Margaret your Thatcher.
Jedi Mind Trick: "This is the geek you're looking for." waves hand.
“I thought I’d become an actress, but then I realized I eat too much.”
― Chelsea Handler
What did the female dinosaur call her blouse making business? Try Sara's Tops
“I like long walks especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.”
Fred Allen
Be careful, too many birthdays can kill you!
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Amanda
Amanda who?
A man da fix your sink!
There’s a new dish out; it’s a cross between a cake and a bird. They call it a Flan-ingo.
"Doctor, there's a patient on line 1 that says he's invisible."
"Tell him I can't see him right now."