I went to my backyard and saw a bird of prey eating avocado toast.
It was a millennial falcon.
Why was the marathon runner plucked out of the race and taken away to jail?
For resisting a rest.
If Russia wants to be the first country to produce a vaccine ...
... Then Soviet.
I’m a hardcore believer in the “i before e except after c” rule
It’s science.
"Know your worth, and then make sure to add tax."
When the onion band covered the song Waka Waka by Shakira, they started calling the song 'Walla Walla'.
Q: What does the tiger use to brush his mane?
A: A catacomb.
Mike Tyson bought a yacht and immediately wrecked it.
Who woulda thunk it?
Why do werewolves do well at school?
Because every time they’re asked a question, they come up with a snappy answer!
What does the father deer say to the mother deer to show his love?
“I love you deerly!”
If you are wondering about the most important constitutional right of a peach citizen, well, it's none other than freedom of peach.
How do you cheer up the patients at the vegetable hospital?
Bring a sick beet.
There once was a young boy named Nick,
Who by chance was always being kicked.
He tried not to fight,
For he was smart, kind and bright,
So he learned how to run really quick.
I just found out that Mercedes is donating state-of-the-art street sweepers to some of the largest cities around the world to help fight littering.
They're calling it Mercedes-clenz.
Death once had a near-Chuck-Norris experience.
"Don't make love by the garden gate - love is blind, but the neighbours ain't." - Anonymous
What did the fish say to the mermaid?
- Have a fintastic day!
The school teacher tells you to spit out your gum, while the locomotive says “Choo Choo Choo!”
Helium walks into a bar.
He orders a drink and wonders why his parents decided to give him such an unusual name, as he can never find it on personalized souvenirs. Plus, baristas never, ever get it right.
Is it a full moon? Because I feel a tidal pull toward your heavenly body.
Did you hear about the zombie after-school club?
It's dead in that place.
"She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon."
Why do farmers make terrible comedians?
Their jokes are corny!
What do you call a nut with a hairy upper lip?
A mustach-io
I have a love interest in every one of my films: a gun.
Arnold Schwarzenegger
o my friend Justin was late for the football game.
But that’s okay because he arrived Justin time for kickoff.
What does a well-educated owl say?
Whom.
Did you hear about the crook who was stealing guitars from classic rock stars?
He was just arrested for Petty theft.
What you call the Ghost of a Chicken? Poultry-geist.
Why do Swedish battleships have barcodes printed on the sides?
So that when they return to port they can scandinavyin.
“Hard work spotlights the character of people: some turn up their sleeves, some turn up their noses, and some don’t turn up at all.” – Sam Ewing
What do hackers do on a boat?
Phishing.
The painting was framed, so the cops arrested it.
What do rodents say when they play bingo?
‘Eyes down for a full mouse’!
Why don't mining towns have hospitals?
Because everyone there only ever suffers from minor injuries.
What do you get when you run behind a car?
Exhausted!
It’s so cold Levi Strauss started making electric jeans.
How come an owl turns his cell phone off at night? So he doesn't get any hooty calls.
What do you drive in a river? An otter-mobile.
As it snow happens.
A Blueberry asked a strawberry to go to hell.
That was berry rude of him
“Who is rich? He that is content. Who is that? Nobody.” – Benjamin Franklin
Why do flamingos make bad pets? They are too much of a birden.
I've been thinking of U periodically.
Q: What do you get when you cross an Egyptian pharaoh with a mechanic?
A: Toot and Car Man.
Why did the chicken cross the playground?
To get to the other slide.
I was mad on the toilet this morning since I was running late, and I thought to myself...
I don’t have time for this crap!
Do truckers prefer houses with long-haul ways?
Why can’t skeletons play church music?
Because they have no organs.
Are you a vegan?
'Cause I yam.