I enjoy the cold weather
But only to a certain degree.

Beer-lieve it or not!

Two rocks at the bottom of a mountain. First rock: Avalanche!
Second rock: Ha! I'm not gonna fall for that again!

You’re a woman from East Transylvania
Dating Dracula, with his weird mania.
He asks you each night
To go out for a bite —
An experience certain to drain ya.

Pies aren't the new cupcakes, baby. You are.

What kind of music do sophisticated kangaroos listen to?
Hopera.

"Popcorn for breakfast! Why not? It’s a grain. It’s like, like, grits, but with high self-esteem."
– James Patterson

"Nobel Prize for Mothers"

Mom, you are a shining star
Though the world doesn't know your name.
You have no fancy title
Like Baroness or Dame.

Mom, you really are a star,
My mother, mentor, and friend.
A Nobel Prize for motherhood,
Is what I'd recommend!

And if I won the lottery
I'd share my win with you
I'd take you Mom on a spending spree
Each day the whole year through!

You may not be famous,
As your face is known to few.
But Mom I think you are wonderful
And I'm so proud of you!

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light

What flowering plant is an amazing equestrian? The horse chestnut.

Why is wind power popular? Because it has a lot of fans!”

My favorite element on the periodic table is Uranium, because I am in love with U.

I asked the older woman at work what she is doing for Valentine’s Day and she said that she was taking her husband to the Cardiologist. The heart wants what the heart wants.

I went to a theater performance done on a bunch of dictionaries the other day...
It was a play on words.

“You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine'.”
― Tommy Cooper

What’s the difference between a buffalo and a bison?...
You can’t wash your hands in a buffalo.

What should you get Lassie, the star of the hit TV show, for Valentine's Day?
A cauliflower.

I do not like lotion at all.
It really gets under my skin.

Why do Communists only drink herbal tea? Because proper tea is theft.

“Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That’s how rich I want to be.” – Rita Rudner

I once saw an onion that had been preserved for ages. It was an Egyptian onion.

“I suppose I will die never knowing what pumpkin pie tastes like when you have room for it.” —Robert Brault

My realtor promised to give me a free abacus if he could close the deal.
I’m unsure whether to count on it or not.

Are you the one who signed up for the pee club?
Because if so, urine.

“Aerodynamics are for people who can’t build engines.”
– Enzo Ferrari

I went to the costume party as a turtle.
I had a shell of a time.

Yo mama's so old, she’s probably going to die soon.

I installed a sky light in my apartment.
The people upstairs were not happy at all.

My friend once used laughing gas as deodorant.
He smelled funny the whole day.

Why did the witch's cat scratch her?
Because he was in a bad mewd.

Now get out there and pick-up your boat race sweetie!

What’s a flower’s favorite band?
Guns n’ Roses.

What did the water plant worker say when their facility flooded?
Dam.

Chuck Norris looked directly at the sun today...
And the sun got so scared it hid behind the moon.

Contrary to belief, Wikipedia actually has less factual errors than traditional printed encyclopedias.

Source: Wikipedia

What did the nurse at the blood bank say to the nervous patient?
B positive

All the chairs in my town were stolen
The people can’t stand it.

Who did Dracula take to the school dance? His ghoul friend.

“‘Snow in April is abominable,’ said Anne. ‘Like a slap in the face when you expected a kiss.’” — L.M. Montgomery

When many knights were being killed by guns and bombs, the medieval scientist discovered a weapon that would destroy all their enemies. It was known as the knightrogen bomb!

Did you hear about the scientist that studied nectarines? He won the Nobel Peach Prize.

I Wanna Be Your Man

I told the person who was playing my trumpet,
To stop pushing my buttons.

Can linesmen enter the Hall of Fame? Yes, because they decide who's HOFside.

Did you hear about the happy cannon balls?
They just got married and I hear they’re already expecting some BBs.

What did the flirty shower head say?
"Every naked person I see turns me on!"

What did one hillbilly say to another? I got a new fly rod and reel for my wife. Best trade I ever made.

What do hackers do on a boat?
Phishing.

"Partners in wine."

“Friendship is not a big thing, it’s a million little things.”
— Unknown