Where does the sun hide at night? Just keep looking for it, it'll dawn on you soon!
My attitude isn't bad.
It's in beta phase.
“I love the early hours of the day. It’s a nice place to visit but I wouldn’t want to live there.”
— James Lileks
What do you call someone who’s crazy about corn?
A corn-ivore!
Gobbling gorgoyles gobbled gobbling goblins.
The perfect description of a bowling game is one where there is plenty of room at the top, but no room to lie down.
What's the difference between Big Foot and intelligent man? Big Foot has been spotted several times.
I need to stop being such a numbskull.
Why are Ghosts in such good shape? Plenty of exorcise and a good die-t.
I’m stuck on you like igloo.
You know, it's not the length of the vector that counts. It's how you apply the force.
I bet we could do some good interval training together.
There was an Old Man of the East,
Who gave all his children a feast;
But they all ate so much
And their conduct was such
That it killed that Old Man of the East.
Where do cows go on December 31st?
A moo year’s eve party.
Why did Frosty the Snowman want a divorce? Because he thought his wife was a flake.
You should check out that Egyptian antiquities store.
They have a mummy-back guarantee!
My doctor says I should get my ears cleaned every 12 months.
I think he means ear-ly.
The last time I wanted to go bowling, all the pins were on strike. So I just stayed at home and watched TV instead.
Let’s go to my place. I’d like to show you my puck collection.
I googled 'lost medieval servant boy'
The result was 'This page cannot be found.'
Try to take a tiger from his daddy's side, That's how love gonna keep us tied
I’m just wondering. Now that you’re here, who’s running heaven now?
Why do sharks swim in salt water?
If they swam in pepper water they would sneeze.
What do you call a pickle you got at a cheap price?
A sweet dill.
Why don’t vampire’s make good artists?
Because all they draw is blood.
There once was a man stuck in a stall,
He tried to get out but would fall.
One day a man flushed,
The fat man just blushed,
And quickly ran out of the mall.
My uncles petshop really started doing well when he started selling parrots. They literally flew off the shelves.
How would you describe a stinky chemist?
Mole-odorous
What’s the difference between a cat and a comma? One has claws at the end of its paws and the other has a pause at the end of a clause.
I met my husband while visiting the zoo. There he was, in his uniform...
straightaway I knew he was a keeper.
Children in the back seats of cars cause accidents, but accidents in the back seats of cars cause children.
I got fired from the bomb disposal squad
Too bad, I had a blast working there.
Why were people in the Medieval times so self absorbed?
Because they thought that they were the center of the universe.
I’m not an astronomer, but I still promise to give you the sun, moon, and stars.
I just texted my girlfriend Ruth and told her that it's over between us.
I'm Ruthless.
What would the greatest hockey player in history be called if he would have chosen not to play hockey?
Wayne Regretzky
I hate lentils but I love peas. They're more ap-peas-ing to my pealate.
What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a bicycle and a nicely dressed man on a tricycle? A tire.
Why was Tony Soprano fat? Cause he thought getting a slice of the pie was a piece of cake.
Where should you call if you find a bad cheese shop?
The feta business bureau.
What is the name of Santa’s rudest deer?
Rude-olph.
How does a vampire bat enter his house?
Through the bat flap.
Charles Dickens might have given you Great Expectations, but I can meet them.
If you are going to sleep, I wish you suite dreams.
The computer had to visit the dentist at the very earliest opportunity as it had a BlueTooth!
Blood is red, cyanosis is blue, I get tachycardia when I think of you!
What does a stick say when it falls down?
"Wood you help me up?"
Why did the hard drive crash?
Because it had a bad driver.
What's the Difference Between Mechanical & Civil Engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons, civil engineers build targets.
“Turkey: A large bird whose flesh, when eaten on certain religious anniversaries, has the peculiar property of attesting piety and gratitude.” —Ambrose Bierce