“Don’t accept your dog’s admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.”
- Ann Landers.
What do you call really scared pasta?
Chicken noodles.
"We contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle."
- Winston Churchill
What did the scientist say when he found 2 isotopes of helium?
"HeHe."
How does the Grammar Nazi party fund its government?
Through a syntax.
What do you call a pig with three eyes?
A piiig!
Are you a human? Just making sure.
What did the snowman ask the other snowman?
Do you smell carrots?
The Vikings had an initiative tradition where a child had to participate in a raid to become a full man
... as they say, it takes a pillage to raise a child.
I can't imagine the stress put on the workers in trying to figure out the newest flu vaccine...
It probably puts a strain on the staff.
I have a phobia of using the wrong amounts of ingredients when I’m cooking
So I’ve been taking measures to deal with it.
Sleigh my name, sleigh my name.
Dad: Where do desert nomads buy their camels?
Son: I dunno. Where?
Dad: at Camelot.
The aspiring comedian has an unbe-leaf-able collection of autumn jokes, but they are all falling flat.
What do red berries say during the season they love best? Cherry Christmas and a Happy New Year!
Hey, can I borrow your water filter? Cause you’ve got me thinking impure thoughts.
How does a group of sea turtles make a decision?
They flipper a coin.
What’s the difference between Jesus and pizza?
Jesus can’t be topped.
Why did the skeleton have a broken heart?
His Boney lay over the ocean.
I love when you coddle me.
What is the charge for beating someone with a bottle of olive oil and a can of chick peas ?
Attempted Hummus-ide.
"I wake up in the morning and lay in my bed waiting for my mom to prepare breakfast. And suddenly I remember that I’m the mom."
— Unknown
Why did the student get upset when his teacher called him average?
It was a ‘mean’ thing to say!
My sister's trying to get famous. She'll never make it, she's just a wanna-pea.
What do you say when you meet a two-headed dinosaur? Hello, hello!
Ancient Romans considered vomitoriums a good place to un-wine.
To all ya'll without tap water,
Get well soon.
What do you call a large group of sick pandas?
A Pandamic.
What’s a Chinese bear’s favorite organ of the body?
The panda-creas.
What is the hardest part about being a tree? You have so many limbs, but you still can’t walk.
What do you call a loud conversation? A megaphone.
The coffee shop kept samples of burnt coffee as evidence to fire their roaster.
It was used as grounds for dismissal.
If you are what you eat, does that mean all squirrels are nuts?
Where do Eskimos keep their eggs?
In the egg-loo.
What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time
How do cups get their money?
They mug people.
“I love America, but I can’t spend the whole year here. I can’t afford the taxes.”
— Mick Jagger
There was an Old Man of the West,
Who wore a pale plum-coloured vest;
When they said, 'Does it fit?'
He replied, 'Not a bit!'
That uneasy Old Man of the West.
The local vampire society is constantly growing. They are always looking for new blood.
Someone told me I looked like a salt shaker. I took it as a condiment.
Mermaids always drink mermosas.
What's the best way to talk to a Tyrannosaur ? Long distance!
I came, I thaw, I conquered.
As summer approaches, I think it’s a good idea to use two deodorants, one under each armpit.
But that’s just my two scents.
It’s so hot I set the house on fire just to cool off.
"The safe way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it in your pocket." ~ Kin Hubbard
Why did the pineapple’s phone die? It needed juice.
Scientists have recently discovered a rare new element called Beautium. It looks like you are made of it.
This vacation has been sand-sational!
I was playing chess with my son and he said, "Let’s make this interesting!"
So we stopped playing chess.
“A diamond is merely a lump of coal that did well under pressure.” — Henry Kissenger