Why wasn't King Kong able to climb to the top of the Empire State Building?
He couldn't quite fit in the elevator.
It’s been a few years since the invisible man married the invisible woman.
Their kids are nothing to look at.
Police were called to a daycare center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
Hey baby, are you a shrink? 'Cause I went nuts when you walked by.
Get me some cooling aloe gel, because you are making me as hot as a sunburn.
Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?
When I was younger, I dressed up as a frog and robbed a bank.
That was the first time that I Kerm-itted a crime.
What do you get when you cross a lion with a parrot?
I don't know, but when it talks, you better listen.
Why did the robot decide to go on a summer vacation?
To recharge!
"Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician." - Anonymous
Is that a candy cane in your pocket, or are you just struggling to contain your excite-mint?
Eosin is red. Collagen stains blue. I’m stuck prepping slides, but thinking of you.
A burglar broke into my house and took all my condiments, now I'm Spiceless in Seattle.
Why can't Bill Clinton go scuba diving?
He won't inhale.
Why are gnomes friends with dolls?
They like to share clothes.
Algorithm.
Word used by programmers when they don't want to explain what they did.
A classics professor goes to a tailor to get his pants mended. The tailor asks, "Euripides?" The professor replies, "Yes. Eumenides?"
You snooze. You booze.
What did the mommy dolphin do when her son was an hour late for dinner?
She flipped out!
What do you call an elf who steals Christmas present wrapping from the wealthy and gives it to the poor?
Ribbon Hood.
What’s worse than raining cats and dogs?
Hailing taxis.
You must be related to Alfred Nobel because baby you are dynamite!
What is Beethoven doing now?
De-composing.
“Grandparents are there to help the child get into mischief they haven’t thought of yet.”—Gene Perret
Did you know there's a college in the brain for hippopotami?
It's called the Hippocampus.
Nowadays, people drought the accuracy of weather men because the climatic patterns are so unpredictable.
Following a recipe, says I need: pears, five cubed. 125 sounds like a lot of pears for a pie…
What do you call a dead flamingo?
A flaminghost.
Chuck Norris walks into a bar.
He gets treated with great respect, since he’s such a talented actor.
All these years of technological developments and I still haven’t seen a colour photo of a zebra.
Why was the cabinet maker fired on his first day?
He just couldn't get a handle on it.
“What do snowmen eat for breakfast? Snowflakes.”
“I am convinced digestion is the great secret to life.”
Sydney Smith
“Government’s view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it.”
– Ronald Reagan
Q: Why does a hurricane wear a monocle?
A: It has only had one eye!
What do you call someone who specializes in growing plants used in witches’ brews?
A hag-riculturist!
“What is your favorite day of the week, and why it is your favorite day of the week? Mine is Tuesday because that means Monday is gone.”
My wife treats me like a God – every evening at dinner I get a burnt offering.
“Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair.”
– George Burns
Love the beach. Can I be any more Pacific?
“Never underestimate the therapeutic power of driving and listening to very loud music.”
The computer said my password needed at least eight characters and at least one number, so I changed it to Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.
Are you a break stroker? Because you make my knees weak.
Experts suggest that the crows flying beak first into windows at a horrifying speed comit a murder suicide.
What do gnome allergy sufferers call a reaction caused by daisy-like flowers?
An aster-risk.
"I go running when I have to. Like when the ice cream truck is doing sixty."
Wendy Liebman
As a refrigerator technician, after a hard day on the job, I like to relax...
And chill out.
"You make me egg-static."
What is a cannibal's favourite cheese? Limburger
you must be augmented cause my love for you just won't diminish!