What do you call a candle in armor?
A knight light
What’s the best time to eat a peach while watching a NASCAR race? During the pit stop!
Did you hear about the new watermelon powered cars set to come out next year? Yeah, it’s too bad you only get a water-melon the gallon.
What's the Kraken gonna give you that'll make you laugh uncontrollably?
Ten Tickles!
How do Vikings send secret messages?
Norse code!
You and I are in love
So when you laugh
I laugh
You cry, I cry
You scream, I scream
You run, I run
You smile, I smile
You jump off a bridge
I’m going to miss you.
(Unknown)
What did the deer’s mother say to her daughter on her birthday?
“I remember the day you were fawn!”
A proctologist is about to write a something on his patient's notes but when he goes to take his pen out of his pocket he realizes it's actually his thermometer that's there.
He says, "Darn, some a**hole has my pen."
I saw a Jazz band last night, but they really sucked...
They really saxophoned it in.
Why is it cheap to feed polar bears?
Because they live on ice only.
Do you know the difference between a wasps and a bee? A wasp is mean and aggressive… but Abby is sweet and cute
Have you heard about the gorilla who got a name change?
Peaches the gorilla escaped from the zoo, but when they got him back they had to change it because it turns out he had become an Ape Re-caught.
What do you call a selfish bomb?
Mine.
I tried driving a truck with a trailer that was attached without using the proper equipment.
It went off without a hitch.
My mother always laughed at me when I told her my dream was to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should of seen her face when I drove pasta.
There’s a hair in my wine. The grapes must have been fur-mented.
I recently bought my grandson a vegetable-themed pogo stick exclusively made from spring onions.
What do you call a cow that has 2 legs? Side of beef
I’m like the Jean Baptiste-Colbert of relationships. I never trade with anyone else.
Hey, how’ve you Ben?
Why was the Blonde fired from the M&M factory?
She kept throwing away the W's.
"I can't make you love me, but I can fill my pantry with your favorite snacks and offer you a weekly stipend of $75." — Rob Delaney
When Chuck Norris enters a room, he doesn’t turn the lights on,
he turns the dark off.
"Self-care is giving the world the best of you instead of what’s left of you."
— Katie Reed
Summer is my favorite sea-sun of the year.
I must stop eating Snickers
I can’t fit in my knickers
Have less food on my plate
Won’t moan about my weight
(Jan Allison)
What is a cat’s favorite kitchen tool? The whisk-er.
"I'd like to connect with nature but there's no USB port" - Dan Masso
here was a dog owner named Mark
Whose beagle would constantly bark
The neighbours would moan
They’d steal Benji’s bone
And toss it away in the park.
The reason why bowling alleys are so quiet is such that you can hear a pin drop.
“You should see my corgis at sunset in the snow. It’s their finest hour. About five o’clock they glow like copper. Then they come in and lie in front of the fire like a string of sausages.”
– Tasha Tudor
You must be vaporizing from a solid-state because I think you are absolutely sublime.
What cheese cries the most?
Babybel.
What do you call an illegally parked frog? Toad.
Why was the cheese asked to leave the restaurant?
The cook said “we don’t serve your rind here”.
What do you call a clock on the moon?
A lunartick.
Baby, meeting you was better than an NHL lockout ending.
I used to search for clams on the beach
But then I pulled a mussel.
What do you call a group of crows who see food?
A tempted murder.
"Love is sharing your popcorn."
- Charles Schultz.
What do you call a duck with fangs?
Quackula.
I dislike toilet paper because...
They're tearable.
What do you call a pig with three eyes?
Piiig
Twinkle twinkle little star.
You should know just what you are.
Once you know just what you are,
the mental hospital isn't that far
We’ll kickoff the party with some cocktails.
Why are neuroanatomy classes the smartest?
They have lots of brains.
I once saw a guy burn to death after nutting
“He cumbusted”
I'm new in town. Could you give me directions to your apartment?
We need to cover more ground so we should split up.
Hey Girl! Are you a software program?
Because you've been running in my memory all day.