"Love the wine you're with."
Thanks to you, I’m saddled with unnecessary peelings.
I love you and I ain’t lion.
"How do you shoot a killer bee?" "With a bee bee gun."
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.
We have two turkeys at our house
'cause Mom and Gramma fight.
Neither one of them believes
the other roasts it right.
There's also two of stuffing,
two of home-made berry sauce.
Let's face it, there are two of each,
'cause both of them are boss.
We eat it all , some food from both,
in order to be nice.
We also make quite sure that when
we burp -- that we burp twice!
- Denise Rodgers
“Never doubt the courage of the French. They were the ones who discovered that snails are edible.”
Doug Larson
What do you call it when dress up like a cowboy?
Ranch dressing
Botanists have developed a vegetable that eliminates the need to brush your teeth.
Bristle sprouts.
The river turned out to be a great party guy because he just went with the flow.
I was arrested at the airport. Just because I was greeting my cousin Jack!
All that I said was "Hi Jack", but very loud.
Another cheese factory in France exploded...
I Camembert to hear this joke again!
An American guy visits a friend in Scotland.
When he arrives at his friend's house, he asks "Can I use your Wifi?"
The friend looks a bit perplexed, but then he smiles and says, "Sure ye can, she's up th' stairs."
What do you call a ghost who haunts fireplaces? A toastie ghostie.
How about we drop the gloves and go at it?
“The problem with doing nothing is that you never know when you’re finished.” – Groucho Marx
“The advantage of growing up with siblings is that you become very good at fractions.”
- Robert Brault
“Once you sign on to be a mother, 24/7 is the only shift they offer.”
- Jodi Picoult.
Q. Which US city holds the record for suicidal gorillas jumping off skyscrapers?
A. Fall-Adelphia.
A space fish is usually called starfish.
After a long day at work, I feel like half a mythical creature...
Because I'm Dragon Ass.
Why did the squirrel take apart the classic car?
To get down to the nuts and bolts.
Jack has a large neck so he decided to wear a bowtie to his wedding. Otherwise, he’d end up with a tiebreak.
Why was there no food left at the Halloween party?
Because everyone was a goblin.
My feelings for you have grown exponentially.
What cheese is made backwards?
Edam.
I beacha miss summer already!
“I can’t breathe” One potato said to the other. “What happened? ” The other said. The potato replied “I
feel I dropped my nose somewhere”
What car make did the Apostles drive?
Honda… because the apostles were all in one Accord.
What is the fastest fish in the water? A motopike
Where do pigs keep their money? Why in the piggy bank, of course.
Is everything wrong?
Are you the only one right?
Time to see a shrink.
A duck walks into a bar. Animal control is promptly called and the duck is released in a nearby park.
Wife is about to give birth.
Nurse: "I'm gonna deliver the Baby."
Dad: " Actually, we'd like him to keep his Liver"
“If you need me, I’ll be inside until April.”
"I never eat November’s snowflakes, I always wait until December.” – Lucy from television show Peanuts
What is the easiest way to make a banana split? Cut it in half.
Airlines have nowadays become so cash strapped that they charge you for everything including emotional baggage.
Damn girl, I must be reading a book because you are FINE print.
What is a frog's favorite time?
Leap year.
What element is derived from a Norse god? Thorium.
Chuck Norris doesn't ever call the wrong number. You just answer the wrong phone.
I'm reading a romance book in Braille.
I don't think I'll finish. It's too touchy feely for me.
I think i spent way too much on this table. It is just not a foldable.
"The taxpayer: that's someone who works for the federal government, but doesn't have to take a civil service examination."
- Ronald Reagan
"Standing on a Chair"
I’m standing on a chair!
I’m standing on a chair!
I don’t know why Mom’s worried
I’m just standing on a chair!
You’d think she’d be freaked out
By the lion in my room
But seeing shoes on fabric
Is what makes her fume.
I bath with toxic jellyfish.
I ride a crocodile.
But if I’m on the sofa then
Her mood becomes hostile.
I often sleep with scorpions
And wrestle with a bear.
I don’t know why Mom’s worried.
I’m just standing on a chair!
– Steve Hanson
There was an Old Man of the Nile,
Who sharpened his nails with a file,
Till he cut out his thumbs,
And said calmly, 'This comes
Of sharpening one's nails with a file!'
What do cats wear to bed? Paw-jamas.
"I believe every human has a finite number of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises."
- Neil Armstrong.
Where do ghosts play golf?
On a golf corpse.