Whenever I see your eyes
There is something that I feel
You look so sleepy
As a bear after a meal.
(Unknown)
What do you call a Mongolian leader who got struck by lightning
Shocka Khan.
Who put the Howl in Halloween?
Not ghouls just the people they ate!
Even if injuries end it prematurely, Paul's had a good Kariya.
Crows organized a cawnfrences, to discuss the upcoming project.
Is this seat saved? Because I am.
What do you call a French leather coat maker...?
Jim Lapel.
I wrote a song about a tortilla chip.
Actually, it's more like a wrap.
“I don’t like Sunday nights because you have to wake up to a Monday morning.”
You know what they say about ice cream parents?
They play flavorites.
Why is the Medieval period often called the Dark Ages?
Because there were so many knights.
Blind Woman Gets New Kidney From Dad She Hasn't Seen In Years
I heard someone complain about the bus being too crowded, it was a 'bus-load' of people!
The fruit bat ate the orange because of its appeal. It had such a nice color.
Which ancient Greek Philosopher had a foot fetish?
Play-toe.
Or was it Sock-rates?
Love's a feeling you feel when you feel
you're going to feel the feeling you've never felt before.
Q: Why did the pea sell his car?
A: The back seat didn’t have enough legume.
My sister bet me that I couldn’t make a car out of spaghetti
You should have seen her face as I drove Pasta
Why did the zombie eat a light bulb?
Because he wanted a light snack.
What does a skeleton order at a restaurant?
Spare ribs.
I accidentally went to bed with my contact lenses in the other night.
My dreams have never been clearer.
What happened when a farmer crossed a chili pepper, a shovel, and a pitbull? He got a hot-diggity-dog.
“Thank you, 2:30 in the morning, for always being the first sign that tomorrow’s gonna suck.”
Jimmy Fallon
My wife treats me like a God – every evening at dinner I get a burnt offering.
What do you call a small mosque in Spain?
A mosquito!
What did one paint say to another when they got in an argument? Don't use that tone with me.
The mossbacks could not connect with the new developments, so the bill was hot
down at the senate.
How do you know a car is a good price?
If it is a Ford-able.
Be careful what you say about those plates in the cabinet.
They're stacked.
Did you hear about the fire at the circus?
It was InTents.
The oldest computer was an apple given to Adam and Eve back in paradise lost, but it came with very limited memory of just 1 byte. And then everything crashed.
What do you get if you cross a lobster with a telephone?
A snappy talk.
Is your name Faith?
Because you're the substance of things I've hoped for.
They say that she only paints night scenes. Other artists really pale by comparison.
What’s black and white with red spots?
A panda with the measles.
Where do the monkeys get their gossip?
They hear it on the ape vine.
Our game is as tight as our spandex. This would be an awesome team motto.
How do you make an apple turnover? Push it down hill.
All seals live at the same elevation
Seal level.
Which Hollywood actor can tell his car's odometer reading without looking at it?
Miles Teller
Girl, you must be norepinephrine because you make my heart race.
"I heard some dictator wants to move the Earth further from the sun."
"Why??"
"Because it will take longer to make a full revolution."
“A dog is one of the remaining reasons why some people can be persuaded to go for a walk.”—Orlando Aloysius Battista
I loved the soup that they served at the local restaurant yesterday. It was simply pho-nomenol.
What does a ghost wear when it’s raining outside?
Boooooooooooots.
What four letters will frighten a burglar? O I C U Where does bad light go? To prism!
I bet you’re really flexible.
What sound does a turkey's phone make? Wing! Wing!
Girl, want to watch me play? I never miss the target.
What do you call a nut who works hard? One who burns the mid-nut oil.