I squeezed a lemon on my wife's lap two hours ago...
She's been a sourpuss about it ever since.
When something evolves, it becomes a fork of nature.
“We are experiencing slight tuber-lence on the flight”
The coddled superstar sat in the seats with the fans instead of on the bench
with the team; for this, ironically enough, he was accused of grandstanding!
There was a Young Lady of Hull,
Who was chased by a virulent bull;
But she seized on a spade,
And called out, 'Who's afraid?'
Which distracted that virulent bull.
I was not allowed to do my stand up act at the mushroom comedy show. I guess I am not a fungi.
How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Caesars.
What's the difference between a man and E.T.? E.T. phones home.
What do you get if you cross a werewolf and a pet dog?
A terrified postman.
What’s the best time to eat a peach while watching a NASCAR race? During the pit stop!
Why didn't the Romans have algebra?
Because X always equaled 10!
Do you like vegetables because I love you from my head tomatoes.
How does a horse make paper mâché?
With newspaper clip-clop-pings.
Permission to board?
Will you, William? Will you, William? Will you, William?
Can't you, don't you, won't you, William?
It is not uncommon for elephants to start a stampede. Especially if they want to play for the Chargers.
That was thaw-some!
What did the egg say to the boiling water?
I might have some trouble getting hard, I just got laid this morning!
What did one hummus say to the other hummus
“Sabra.”
Why did the pig go into the kitchen? He felt like bacon.
Who is a ghoul’s favorite family member?
Mummy!
What was the first car Henry Fordasaurus invented? A Model T-Rex.
"There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments." - Chris Rock
Why was the gardener so embarrassed? He wet his plants!
The onion teacher was teaching her onion students about figures of speech. Today, she was teaching onionomatopia.
What's an astronaut's favorite meat? Launch meat!
Even though Jake was a heartthrob Casanova, he just had to break up with his long-time watermelon vending girlfriend; said she was always melondramatic about everything.
“We live in the era of smart phones and stupid people.”
Antonymous
For the last two weeks my kids have been building a medieval blanket fort every evening to sleep in. Many nights they also stayed up past their bedtime playing fortnight under its protective cover.
It was a night knight fort for Fortnight for a fortnight.
“Going to work for a large company is like getting on a train. Are you going sixty miles an hour or is the train going sixty miles an hour and you’re just sitting still?” — J. Paul Getty
You are like an electron and I am like a proton. And they say that opposites attract.
“Work is against human nature. The proof is that it makes us tired. – Michel Tournier
My neighbors house got struck by lightning.
It hit close to home.
Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill? He wanted to get to the bottom.
What do you call a hot dog with nothing inside it? A “hollow dog."
If at first you don't succeed, try twice more so your failure is statistically significant.
“I’m sick of following my dreams, man. I’m just going to ask where they’re going and hook up with ’em later.”
Mitch Hedberg
“Hiking is just walking where it’s okay to pee.” – Demetri Martin
What do you call a deer that feeds on the blood of others?
Vlad the impala.
“A bargain is something you can’t use at a price you can’t resist.”- Franklin Jones.
My cat just cut the grass.
She's a lawn meower.
The snuggle is real.
I just built a car out of a washing machine.
I’ll be taking it for a spin later.
What do skeletons say when they set off to sea?
- Bone voyage!
Got fired from my job at the keyboard factory. I couldn't keep the space clean.
One ear of corn says to the other, “I think I have a stalker.”
The other corn replies, “Thats amaizing! Is he cute?” The ear replies, “No, too husky!”
There was a bald man who married his comb.
He promised, “I’ll never part with it!”
Sleigh, what?!
I couldn't go out because of the blizzard. So I had to eat storm-ed buns for dinner.
Mommy, Mommy, what’s a werewolf?
Don’t worry about that honey and comb your face!