What's the difference between a seal and a sealion?
An electron or two.
How do the New England Patriots eat their soup? In a Super Bowl.
Guns don’t kill people...
Bullets, it’s bullets that kill people.
I'm not saying you're old, but if you were milk I'd sniff you first.
The Montreal baseball team relocated to Tampa after being purchased by the
Exposito bros.
Is your iPad making you fall asleep?
I can help—there’s a nap for that.
Because they got turtle recall, turtles never forget.
The Easter Bunny won’t be making his usual rounds this year. He’s laid up with a hareline fracture.
What is a cat’s favorite movie? The Sound of Mew-sic.
Have you seen my lobster?
I'm worried he might by a lost claws.
Are you from Tennessee?
Because you look inbred.
What kind of fish will help you hear?
A herring aid!
Knock Knock
Who’s there Justin Justin who? Justin time to make the donuts!
My wrists hurt whenever I drive to work with my co-workers and we go through a tunnel.
I think it's carpool tunnel syndrome.
How do you repair a broken tomato? Tomato Paste!
I allow myself only one donut per year.
This morning I had 433 B.C., 1731, and 1952.
What do you get if you cross a cat with a dark horse? Kitty Perry
“It wouldn’t be Thanksgiving without a little emotional scarring.” — Timothy Burke, “Friends”
Why did the pre-pubescent dragon lose the rap battle?
He couldn't spit hot fire yet.
Close your eyes and I will kiss you. Tomorrow I will miss you.
I have been expelled from the Flat Earth Society.
Apparently, I went too far.
“I don’t like to commit myself about heaven and hell — you see, I have friends in both places."
— Mark Twain
Which basketball team is the favorite at the North Pole?
The New York Old Saint Knicks.
What do you call a female clown?
April Fools.
I couldn't chair less!
Haikus confuse me
Too often they make no sense
hand me the pliers.
I whale always love you.
The fruit started to stutter as it was suffering from peach deterioration.
SIBLING PUNS
Who’s the pimple’s favorite sibling?
His cyst-er.
What will you do if you come across a green alien? I’ll simply wait until it’s ripe.
Why did the deer go for a run?
To doe off some steam.
The best punishment to give orange kids is getting them canned. This is the only way to prevent them from going bad.
To the person who stole my coffee, my lamp, and my parrot…
I don’t know how you sleep at night.
Do you know the hardest part about making skimmed milk? Having to throw the cows across the lake.
Flat earthers fear 6 feet social distancing could push some people over the edge.
Aunt Kitty who lived in the city
Was thought to be quite witty.
She could make us all laugh
‘Till we cracked in half.
Then gaze at us with such pity.
I asked my buddy if he wanted to know what the word “the” was in Spanish. He expressed his disinterest and I responded with...
"Your los."
Sorry, I had a pick up line for you but I got so distracted by your beauty.
What am I? A tea bag you dirty minded human...
Why don't aliens get hungry after being blasted into space?
Because they've just had a big launch.
"I like a man that can pull off facial hair."
I think your supposed to use a razor.
How did the mobile phone propose to his girlfriend?
He gave her a ring
Did you guys hear about the camel that got a gig playing a cow on Broadway?
She was a real drama dairy.
What happened when the semi-colon broke grammar laws?
He was given two consecutive sentences.
My friend was bragging that his new 3D printer can print a gun, but I’m not impressed.
I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
As an April fools joke, I told my SO that I was pregnant...
...sadly she didn't fall for it.
What do you get when you dump your Easter eggs on a hill?
A spring roll!
I asked my nectarine friend how she was doing after her break up and she said 'It's the pits, man.'
“I don’t have to look up my family tree, because I know that I’m the sap.”—Fred Allen
What’s a horse’s favorite sport?
Saddleball.