Hey beautiful! Your face is like a moon. Always glowing.
My trucker friend was super excited about his new house. I asked him why, and he told me it had a really long haul way.
“When I hear somebody sigh, ‘Life is hard,’ I am always tempted to ask, ‘Compared to what?'”
Sydney J. Harris
Being a soprano is a great opera tunity.
If someone else would have invented the airplane, it wouldn't have been Wright.
"Time to wine down."
What superlative did Robert E. Lee win in high school?
Most likely to secede!
What's green and has wheels? Grass, I lied about the wheels.
Did you know Davy Crockett had three ears?
A left ear, a right ear, and a wild frontier.
Why is the chef so mean?
He beats the eggs.
Did you hear about the audio drama about peas?
It’s a pod-cast
What did the jockey respond when someone asked to ride his horse?
“Dis-mount is mine.”
Any self-respecting rock will break at least one shovel before accepting its new home.
Fresh fried fish,
Fish fresh fried,
Fried fish fresh,
Fish fried fresh.
My partner got mad when she found so much spam on my computer.
She said, "Food belongs on a plate!"
Why were the melon lovers sad?
Because they cantaloupe.
Why don't orphans make good baseball players?
Because they don't know where home is.
Who invented the brush they put next to the toilet? That thing hurts!
What was Valentine’s favorite dessert for the French cat?
Chocolate mousse
We’ll need protracturtle in our next lesson since the topic will be angles.
Why do trees have to drink responsibly? Otherwise, they become a bunch of trunk idiots.
Don't ever change a light bulb while the oven is on
You'll get burned out
Q. What do they call the gorilla marathon runner who only wins when it's pouring outdoors?
A. The raining chimp-ion.
Why wouldn’t the ghost eat liver? He didn’t have the stomach for it.
Did you hear about the broadcasters in the aeroplane?
They're on air now
I would flirt with you, but I'd rather seduce you with my awkwardness From a distance.
RIP boiled water.
You will be mist.
Little Johnny was crying one day, and his dad asked him why.
'I've lost five dollars,' sobbed Johnny.
'Don't worry,' said his dad kindly.'
Here's five more for you,' At this Johnny howled louder than ever.
'Now what is it ?' asked his dad.
'I wish I'd said I'd lost ten dollars!'
What do you call an alligator showing off his spine flexibility on the internet?
E-Reptile Disc Function
“Almost every Aquarius is a rebel. Give them a guide and they won’t follow it. Tell them there’s a dress code and they’ll show up wearing nothing at all.”
— Alex Dimitrov and Dorothea Lasky
After I helped a peach with some work, she said, "I really ap-peach-iate your help!"
What did the cowboy say when his dog ran away?
Now wait just a doggone minute.
I know a man whose last name is Storm
He has three daughters: Summer, April, and Haley.
What do you call a musician who just saw Medusa?
A rockstar!
Oh wow sorry – I just got l’Austin your eyes.
Do you like short love affairs? I hate them - I've got all weekend.
Did you hear that famous blonde haired actress has been stabbed? She's called Reese, Erm...
Witherspoon?
No, with a knife.
In what state is the Amazon River? It is in the liquid state.
Did you know that geologists are athletic? Yeah, I read it in Quartz illustrated.
What do you call meat balls falling from the sky? A meat-ior shower.
What eats laptops? Computer worms.
What kind of hair style does a bee get?
A buzz cut
What are the best kind of flowers to get your girlfriend after screwing up?
Whoopsie Daisies
Why does a hummingbird hum? It doesn't know the words!
Q: What do you call an angry pea?
A: Grum-pea!
A group of crows drooling over a pastry is called a-tempted murder.
I’m a little confused as to why everyone keeps giving me legos for my birthday.
I don’t know what to make of it.
What do sharks order at McDonalds?
A quarter flounder.
In which battle did the soldiers form a queue outside a metal box?
The battle of Portaloo.
Why did the hawk sit on the church’s steeple?
It was a bird of pray.