Did you hear about the sea captain who made a special salt-proof boat for the salty waters of the ocean?
It was a sailing solution to cross a saline solution.
"Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight." – Phyllis Diller
Nurse: Wow, that cut looks pretty bad...want me to stitch it up for you?
Me: No, thanks.
Nurse: Fine. Suture self.
Why did the electrical cords break up?
There was no spark between them.
I can’t believe that during the attempted murder, John Crow, Russel Crow and Sheryl Crow were all in the room.
I know we just met, but will you marinade me?
I'm like the fabric version of King Midas.
Everything I touch becomes felt.
What did the deer say after he finished eating?
“That was deer-licious!”
“On the internet, you can be anything you want. It’s strange that so many people choose to be stupid.”
Anonymous
How can you tell which rabbits are getting old? Look for the grey hares.
Why are cats such great singers? Because they’re very mewsical
Why do leaves change color in the fall? Because they want to leaf their old color.
What kind of spells do leprechauns use?
Lucky Charms!
What kind of car does a viking drive?
A fjord
A blond loses his check book, so he goes to the bank 2 days later to report it.
Bank manager: I warned you to be careful with your check book, because anyone can forge your signature.
Man: "I'm not a fool. I already signed all the checks so there is no space to forge my signature!"
I walked in on my girlfriend sleeping with her personal trainer.
Me: "Ok, this isn't working out."
Why did Chuck Norris cross the road?
He didn't. The road moved back underneath him.
What's a flowing water with living organisms called?
A livestream.
“A dollar picked up in the road is more satisfaction to us than the 99 which we had to work for, and the money won at Faro or in the stock market snuggles into our hearts in the same way. ~Mark Twain
A skunk sat on a stump and thunk the stump stunk, but the stump thunk the skunk stunk.
“How is it that the first piece of luggage on the airport carousel never belongs to everyone?”
— George Roberts
What is a nurse’s favorite element?
Healium.
It’s so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don’t.
After suffering weak gain at the poles, the National Transistor Party has been trying to energize their base.
What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden?
Your mother ate us out of house and home.
My office chair broke. It’s letting me down.
You’re a perfect ten(t).
When should you take a cookie to the doctor? When it feels crummy. What do the cookie and the computer have in common? They both have chips.
What do you get when you cross a frog with a rabbit?
A bunny ribbit.
“My Dog has no nose. How does he smell?”
"Awful.”
Why don’t Satanic boats ever sink?
Because they’re Unholy.
“Yes officer I did see the speed limit sign, I just didn’t see you.”
What kind of wine do traffic cops like best?
Fine wine!
My sister said I would never be able to make a beach pun.
Is seashore about that?
You're like my favorite candy bar, half sweet, half nuts.
My friend was going to a painting competition, so I wished him, "Grey the force be with you".
Why was the meat packer arrested? For bringing home the bacon.
Wanna go back to my igloo and cuddle?
What football team do energy providers root for the most? The Chargers”
Your heart stops when you sneeze. Kind of like what happens when I think of you.
Can you hold my gloves for me? I usually wear them by the fireplace, but you are way hotter.
A Blueberry asked a strawberry to go to hell.
That was berry rude of him
We were debating about Charles Darwin in class when the teacher warned us, "Don't let this evolve into an argument."
Chuck Norris plays russian roulette with a fully loded revolver... and wins.
In the medieval ages, chess was a very popular game among Kings and Queens. This was because they had castles in it!
I take romance to a new level - I don't cuddle, I hibernate.
You like curling? Check out me curling my biceps!
When does Oliver Stone eat ice cream? Any Given Sundae.
Can you put some hot sauce on my enchilada, I need some spice in my life.
Why did the ghoul bury the trophy?
Because he wanted it engraved!