When milking a nervous goat, you should use kid gloves.
Why did the lemon fail its driving test?
Because it kept peeling out
I just found out my Husband is a Ghost. I realised the moment he walked through the door.
What do you call a lazy crayfish?
A slobster.
Knock knock!
Who is there?
Beaver
Beaver who?
Be-ware of the turbulent river.
Why do vampires always dress so nice?
Because they’re so vein!
I’d like to tell you folks a joke about paper, but It’s tearable.
What do you get when you cross a cow and a duck? Milk and Quackers!
What did the witch get her cat for entertainment?
A cat-alog.
A butt lit a house on fire.
So I guess he committed Arse-on
What type of toilet paper does the math house have?
Multiply.
Mother knows best, and when winter comes, Mother Nature snows best.
Why did the mummy get a divorce?
His wife was a ghoul-digger who was just after his mummy.
What do you call a cow apart of the Knights of the Round Table?
Sir Loin
A student made our teacher so angry, they flipped their desk
Oh, the tables have turned
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I want to order pizza,
And watch Netflix with you.
"I am dying with the help of too many physicians." — Unknown
A blond gets in her car and notices her steering wheel, dashboard, and windshield is missing.
She calls the police and reports a theft.
When the police officer comes, he looks at the blond who is crying and and says, "Ma'am...you're sitting in the backseat..."
"I never forget a face, but in your case, I'll be glad to make an exception."
Why are oceans so meticulous?
They like to be pacific.
What did the baseball glove say to the ball?
Catch ya later.
A group of crows is usually called a 'murder.' Technically, it's only a manslaughter unless there is probable caws.
It's so cold that the rock rattling around in your shoe is your toe.
Why did the otter cross the river?
To get to the otter side
Why doesn’t the squirrel accept cash or credit at his store? Because it only accepts cash.
Why did the cookie monster rob the keebler elves? Because they had a lot of dough.
In one Fall swoop, it's autumn again!
When I said "God, Thank you for this delicious noodle soup", my dad said "Ramen".
I love pressing F5. It's so refreshing.
I'll love you until Tom catches Jerry and has him for supper.
Why did the burglar break into the bakery? A; Because he heard the cakes were rich.
Why are flamingos such good patients?
They’re used to wading.
Did you know Teslas don't have that new car smell?
They have more of an Elon Musk.
I'm arresting you for breaking the 8th amendment because you...are excessively fine!
A mosquito asks for a date: "I'd like to take you out to suck blood on someones leg"
She says "I don't know, I feel like I'm going out on a limb here."
"If it's meant to be it's meant to be....but just to be clear it isn't."
How did the cheese professor start class every day?
Oh queso…
A storefront that boasts a fruit pun, just peachy.
Skier in ER: Doc, I slipped on my way to the chairlift.
Doctor: Icy.
"At fifty, everyone has the face he deserves." - George Orwell“Smartness runs in my family. When I went to school I was so smart my teacher was in my class for five years.”
- Gracie Allen
While cooking, I asked my wife if we have any Sage. She said "We have some ground sage"
I asked her "Do we have any sage that's not on the floor?"
What would Kurt Cobain be doing if he was still alive? Clawing at the inside of his casket.
“If you don’t annoy your big sister for no good reason from time to time, she thinks you don’t love her anymore.”—Pearl Cleage
How do sick kangaroos get better?
They have a hoperation.
"Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t know where to go shopping." ~ Bo Derek
What do you call a party for snowmen? A snowball.
What do you call a fish that floats on the surface?
Bob.
A truck full of christmas trees have been stolen.
Police admit they are stumped.
Beauty is only pig skin deep
Have you ever seen a fish cry?
No, but I’ve seen a whale blubber.