You know what they say about when life gives you melons?
You might be dyslexic.

Twinkle twinkle little star.
You should know just what you are.
Once you know just what you are,
the mental hospital isn't that far

I know we just met, but will you marinade me?

I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.
David Lee Roth

What did one flea say to the other?
Shall we walk, or shall we take the dog?

Q. What kind of underwear do s*xy gorillas wear?
A. Chim-pant-zies.

Yoda one for me!

"Go, and never darken my towels again."

Why did the sapling jump in the ocean? He wanted to swim with the manatrees.

Why does a milking chair only have three legs?
The cow has the udder.

How did the kittens express their love for each other? In Holy Catrimony

the difference between a pizza and my pizza jokes?
My pizza jokes can’t be topped!

Dad: Where do desert nomads buy their camels?
Son: I dunno. Where?
Dad: at Camelot.

How does the recipe for German Sauerbraten begin? "First invade ze kitchen."

What did Jesus say when he rose from the dead on Easter Sunday?
April Fools! I'm not really dead!

I heard they sent a beer into space, destined to leave the solar system. They called it Interstella Artois.

What’s the difference between a conductor and God?
God doesn’t think he’s a conductor.

What do you call an elderly Spanish man?
A senõr citizen.

What did the zombie boss say to the zombie employee?
- Don’t miss the undeadline!

Why don’t elephants use computers?
Because they’re afraid of the mouse.

What do pigs learn in the army? Ham to ham combat.

Why did the Vikings not have high doorknobs?
Because of Loki.

My sinks been on deaths door for the past week or so...
I finally decided to pull the plug.

Ann and Andy's anniversary is in April.

What do you call an 'O' on fire?
Flamingo.

I went on a mission trip and all I ended up doing was mission you.

Knock, knock

Who’s There?

Annie

Annie Who?

Annie thing you can do, I can do better.

Hey how’s it going? Ben jammin’ much today?

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks the horse if it's an alcoholic considering all the bars he frequents, to which the horse replies "I think not!"
POOF! The horse disappears.

This is the point in time when all the philosophy students in the audience begin to giggle, as they are familiar with the philosophical proposition of Cogito ergo sum, or I think, therefore, I am.

But to explain the concept beforehand would be putting Descartes before the horse.

What's more impressive than a talking fish?
A spelling bee.

What kind of car do fancy horses drive?
Mustangs.

I was blinded by your beauty...
I’m going to need your name and phone number for insurance purposes.

Where do boats go when they get sick? The dock

What do you call a chicken that was struck by lightning?
Air fried.

Why is a pineapple so attractive? Because it keeps its juices flowing.

People who fall sick at the airport possibly end up with terminal illness.

How do you keep food warm in the refrigerator?
Keep it in the corner, because it is 90 degrees.

My therapist told me that a great way to let go of your anger is to write letters to people you hate and then burn them. I did that and I feel much better but I'm wondering... do I keep the letters?

I hate worms and snakes because they have no feet.
You might say that I am lacktoes intolerant.

What do you call a dog with a fever? A hot dog.

Why do donuts make terrible teachers?
They’re always glazing over the important stuff.

Why do they give men Viagra in the old folks home?
To keep them from rolling out of bed.

As you would expect, most airline pilots make friends only in high places.

It’s sad that a family can be torn apart by something as simple as wild dogs.

Girl, do you need to get your protein macros up? Because I'd gladly make you a drink

Do you know why the game is called golf? Because all the other four letter words were taken.

If you have a line of 100 rabbits in a row and 99 of them take 1 step backwards, what do you have? A receding hare line.

Why did the blonde run backward?
She wanted to gain weight.

What do you call 2 fruits that can't get married?
Cantelopes.