The sheep says to the shepherd "you're an jerk and I hate you!" and the shepherd says "Say what?"
And the sheep goes "You herd me!"
"The only time to eat diet food is while you're waiting for the steak to cook"- Julia Child
just witnessed a chicken try to pick up a piece of corn for 5 minutes,
ImPeck-able.
It's tough to tell if the sky is ever happy or not. It always looks so blue!
What do you call a lazy baby kangaroo?
A pouch potato.
What a great match!..I hope when you see my message you don’t give it Ah-big-ail no and leave me hanging
Pirates Private Property.
What do you call a cow on the barnyard floor? Ground Beef What do you call a cow with no front legs? Lean Beef
Why do people like storm watching so much?
The lightning is quite striking!
Can you tell me what type of weeping tree this is? Yes, but you willow me one later.
My sister had twins, a boy and a girl, and asked for help naming them.
She liked my suggestion of calling the girl Denise, but had second thoughts when I suggested calling the boy Danephew.
You have your mother in law, father in law, son in law doughter in law but your wife is...
The law
Why do bananas wear suntan lotion? Because they peel!
What do we learn from cows, buffaloes and elephants?
It’s impossible to reduce weight by eating green grass and salads and walking.
How many folk singers does it take to change a light bulb?
One to change it, and 5 to sing about how good the old one was.
“Good mashed potato is one of the great luxuries of life.” —Lindsey Bareham
What do you call a group of friends in California?
A startup.
Lost my bread knife the other day..
I'm absolutely gutted...we've been through thick and thin
Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing
Doctor Doctor I've broken my arm in four places.
Docter: Well stop going to those 4 places then!
Why do penguins carry fish in their beaks?
Because they don’t have any pockets!
What does the Ghost say when he sneezes? - Ach-ooooooooooooooooooooo!
I violated grammar rules, so I got punished with the death sentence.
Death.
What does a pizza wear to smell good?
Calzogne.
I was talking to my Mom the other day and she mentioned that none of her sisters needed the vaccine.
Turned out they already had the auntybodies.
Q: What time is it when a tiger walks into the room?
A: Time to get out of the room.
Car puns are really tiring
Why shouln’t you rub avocado in your eyes?
You might get guacoma.
What do Spanish speaking people prefer to travel in groups of 2 or 4?
No tres-passing.
When is a car like a frog?
When it's being toad.
I know, I’ll never have a chance with you but will you give me a chance to hear an angel talk?
Quasimodo would’ve been a great detective
He always had a good hunch.
My coworkers brought me a bunch of cards to celebrate my birthday
Each one gave me one with a single word printed on it. The first said "extravagant", while the next one said "surplus". These were followed by cards that said "abundance", "excess", and "overflowing". Before I read any more I had to stop because I was overcome with emotion. It was all too much.
What do you call a clever monster?
Frank Einstein.
What kind of seal do you get on letters from Turkey?
A stamped bull.
When buying crows for commercial use, always buy them in groups...
That way, you’re guaranteed to make a killing.
What's the Difference Between Mechanical & Civil Engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons, civil engineers build targets.
What do you get when you cross a werewolf and a vampire?
A fur coat that fangs around your neck.
"They say true love hides in every corner. I must be walking in circles." - Unknown
I gave my wife a lamp for our anniversary.
Someone’s getting LED tonight.
Party Host: Would you like to try some mulled wine?
Party Guest: I'll have to think it over...
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
Your good seed for the day.
"Drive slow and enjoy the scenery - drive fast and join the scenery."
- Douglas Horton
A redhead tells her blond stepsister, "I slept with a Brazilian." The blond replies, "Oh my God. You slut. How many is a brazilian?"
How does a car begin telling you bad news?
‘I hate to brake it to you…’
Did you hear about the forgetful unicorn mom? She kept feeding her kids milk of amnesia.
I'm a good basketball handler, what about you?
How do you circumcise a whale?
You send down four skin divers.
Are you a cactus?
Because you're a prick