Who in the hell names their son “Tiger” ?
Only people in the Woods’
"Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else."
― Margaret Mead
Girl you're like my favorite Spotify playlist... No matter how much I wander I'd always come back to you.
How are pirates like trumpets?
They murder the high C’s!
Video games never made me angry or want to hurt people.
Working in customer service already did that.
A young schoolgirl named Rose,
Is rather ashamed of her nose.
She distracts people's stares,
With the mice that she wears,
Hanging down from her clothes.
What do you get when you cross a chili pepper, a shovel and a terrier?
A hot-diggity-dog.
Why should you not play volleyball in court? Because you could get arrested.
Why isn’t the tomato a vegetable?
It couldn’t catch up.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Ivan.
Ivan who?
Ivan to do something naughty with you.
Something is odd about my hot stove.
I just can't quite put my finger on it.
What is the name of the car that passes through the narrow stream of the river? Fjord.
"The years between 50 and 70 are the hardest. You are always being asked to do things, and yet you are not decrepit enough to turn them down." - T.S. Elliot
Why does your grandma like wine so much?
Because at her age, she needs glasses!
What type of songs do planets sing?
Nep-Tunes.
Where do the best kola nuts come from? Kolafornia.
Sherlock Holmes enters a room carrying a box of lemons
"Where'd you get those?" asks Watson.
"A lemon tree, my dear Watson. A lemon tree."
Hi, I’m a T-cell, and I’m here to protect you from everything.
In North Korea, you can not throw fruits in the snow as they don't have the right to freeze peach
How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
I don't know, it's never happened.
“A loyal friend laughs at your jokes when they’re not so good, and sympathizes with your problems when they’re not so bad.”
— Arnold H. Glasgow
“A baseball game is twice as much fun if you’re seeing it on the company’s time.” — William C. Feather
How Many Engineers Does It Take to Assemble a Futon?
Three…and a psychologist!
How do pirates prefer to communicate?
Aye to aye!
What did the baby mouse do when she saw a bat?
She ran home and told her mother she saw an angel
Has anyone ever told you that you look like an ancient Chinese scroll? Because I can't stop looking you up and down.
Which football playoff team are Star Trek fans rooting for ?
The Green Bay Picards.
What happened when Caesar's government officials could not reach consensus?
Irritable Brawls in Rome
I took my friends watch that had an LED flashlight on it.
Now it's my time to shine.
Top 25 Funniest Duck Names:
1. James Pond
2. Quack Sparrow
3. Duck Norris
4 Quacks-a-Lot
5 Quackhead
6 Quacko
7. Quackers
8. Nutquacker
9. Quacker Jack
10. Quack Efron
11. Quack Black
12. Moby Duck
13. Quackula
14. Sir Duckington
15. Eggbert
16. Quackers
17. Duckleberry Finn
18. Quacker Jack
19. Lucky Duck
20. Cheese and quackers
21. Quaker Jack
22. Duckingham Palace
23.Waddles
24. Quackie Chan
25 Firequacker
What do you call two monkeys sharing an Amazon account?
Prime-Mates!
What’s the sequel to that?
Fuller mouse!
I was boiling vegetables in the saucepan the other day when my wife went to move it...
I said careful, it’s got a leek in it.
“Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, he sings.”
Robert Benchley
Are you into science? Because I lab you so much!
My dad didn’t love me as a child, but I don’t really blame him.
I wasn’t born until he was an adult.
How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Caesars.
A slimey snake slithered down the sandy sahara.
It’s a season of giving, so you should give me your phone number.
How does a vampire make tea? With a used tampon.
What do you call the ghost of a chicken? A poultry-geist.
I switched labels in my wife's spice cabinet.
She hasn't noticed, but the thyme is cumin.
“If you're too open-minded; your brains will fall out.”
Lawrence Ferlinghetti
Wow Andrew, you seem cool an-drewly gorgeous
What do we call two thousand pounds of Chinese soup? It is called won – ton!
There was an Old Man in a boat,
Who said, 'I'm afloat, I'm afloat!'
When they said, 'No! you ain't!'
He was ready to faint,
That unhappy Old Man in a boat.
"Herbert Hilbert Hubert Snod"
Herbert Hilbert Hubert Snod
was known for eating all things odd.
The thing that bothered me the most
has he spread toothpaste on his toast?
“It’s springtime fresh, so cool and minty.”
His smiling eyes were bright and squinty.
On baked potatoes, he would slather
one half can of shave cream lather.
I don’t know how his tum could cope
as he ingested cubes of soap.
At times his food choice made a scene;
at least he kept his innards clean.
– Denise Rodgers
People find laundry therapeutic...
Because it takes a load off their mind.
"The idea is to die young as late as possible." - Ashley Montagu
“Vacation is that time when you wish you had something to do while doing nothing.”
–Frank Tyger