Why don't mining towns have hospitals?
Because everyone there only ever suffers from minor injuries.
My husband was allergic to my cat so I knew I had to get rid of him… so I’m looking to rehome Gerry, he’s thirty-five and works in accounting!
I applied to be a sperm donor recently and the nurse asked me if I could masturbate in the cup.
I told her I’ve done it a few times before but I don’t know if I’m ready to compete in a tournament.
How did the nut study for its test?
It used the inter-nut.
What kind of bears dissolve in water?
Polar bears.
Wine improves with Humans improve with wine.
"Self-care is giving the world the best of you instead of what’s left of you."
— Katie Reed
I stole two sofas from death, but I wasn’t ready for the reaper cushions.
Can you find the three errors in this sentenceeee?
How do you make Pig Jerky?
Give them some coffee.
Two TV antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married...
The ceremony was boring but the reception was brilliant.
How do you know if milk is expired? The smell is dairy bad!
Zero lucks given on St. Patrick’s Day.
A knife tried out for Varsity football.
It didn't make the cut.
“It could be that your purpose in life is to serve as a warning to others.”
Ashleigh Brilliant
Who will Frankenstein’s monster take to the dance?
Any old girl he can dig up.
There once was a person named Ned,
Who had nary a hair on his head.
He pated his pate
and bemoaned his fate,
And went to hide under his bed.
"Never eat more than you can lift"- Miss Piggy.
---
"I tried every diet in the book. I tried some that weren't in the book. I tried eating the book. It tasted better than most of the diets."- Dolly Parton
Where do astronauts buy their milk? From the milky way!!!
A centipede was happy quite,
Until a frog in fun
Said, “Pray, which leg comes after which?”
This raised her mind to such a pitch,
She lay distracted in the ditch
Considering how to run.
"Families are like fudge ... mostly sweet with a few nuts." - Unknown
A German walks into a bar and asks for a martini. The bartender asks, “Dry?”
The German replies, “Nein, just one.”
The reason orange juice doesn’t slide well on hard wood floors is Because of pulp friction.
What happens when a duck flies upside down?
It quacks up
What is a vegan Viking called?
A Norvegan.
I overheard some guys talking about wether they prefer to use urinals or toilets to do their business, then one says "I prefer to sit down".
Another friend, shocked, says "I though you were a stand-up guy?"
What did the married deer couple say to each other? I love you deer-ly!
Why can’t the engineer be electrocuted? Because he’s not a conductor!
A viking adds symbols to an axe he has just made ...
" Oh no iv runed it"
There’s a new movie out called “The Truck.” I’ve seen the trailer, it looks great.
Wife was in the hospital and the nurse said she was calling the doctor to put in an IV
When he showed up, I said to him "I thought there'd be four of you".
Why do vampires eat lentils?
Because they are so into pulses.
"Have an egg-cellent Easter."
"Reality is the leading cause of stress among those in touch with it." —Lily Tomlin
What are the chances I open with a pun that’s so bad you Leah-ve me hanging?
Irish you were beer.
“Flattery is like cologne water, to be smelt, not swallowed.”
Josh Billings
My girlfriend made me one of those sculpted 3D cakes for my birthday but wouldn't stop reminding me how it took her all day to decorate it..
..which is surprising since to me it looked like a piece of cake.
Why are Dalmatians so bad at hiding?
Because they are always spotted.
I saw a lady riding a camel and being pulled by a truck... It was a camel tow
Why did everyone hide from Sue on her birthday?
Because they wanted her to be Sue-prised!
I watched, horrified as two trucks carrying cheese crashed into each other. De brie was all over the road.
What’s worse than raining cats and dogs?
Hailing taxis.
Which element is a member of famous rock band?
Hg
What do you call a skeleton with no friends?
Bonely.
“Anybody can sympathize with the sufferings of a friend, but it requires a very fine nature to sympathize with a friend’s success.“
— Oscar Wilde
Why did the worm cross the playground?
To get to the underground slide!
Dad: Did you hear about the cow that was arrested?
Kids: No.
Dad: He was uddermining the authorities.
Look like we've got a long wait here in the check-out line, so why don't we get acquainted.
Me and my ears hate badminton so much
It's making a racket.