Q: How do Japanese artists bid farewell?
A: Cyan-Nara!
"Do you have a cell phone I could use?"
"Why?"
"Someone has to call God and tell him that one of his angels is missing."
- Couples Retreat (2009)
I like big books and I cannot lie.
Do you want to be my doubles partner...for life?
“Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge?”
Jerry Seinfeld
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Jamaican.
Jamaican who?
Jamaican me horny.
My keyboard is missing a key. I lost ctrl.
Two students talk:
"What are you reading?"
"Quantum physics theory book."
"But why are you reading it upside-down?"
"It makes no difference anyway."
Who is a crow’s favorite actor? Russell Crow!
How do you make a dinosaur float? Put a scoop of ice cream in a glass of root beer, and add one dinosaur.
What did Buzz Lightyear say to Woody?
A lot. There were three movies, and a couple short films too.
Why was Cleopatra so in love with Egypt's ruler?
Pharaohmones
If you search for pictures of corn on Google you'll only get stalk pictures.
“I almost broke both my arms trying to hold open a revolving door for a woman.”
Steven Wright
Twinkle Twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car.
Throw you off a tree so high.
Hope you break your neck and die!
Twinkle Twinkle little star.
Go to heck, it isnt far.
“A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.” - Phyllis Diller
My parents always brought me up to believe the sky's the limit.
Which was a shame because I wanted to be an astronaut.
What do you call a fat kid who likes chocolate milk?
An OvalTeen
“I think we’ll be friends forever because we’re too lazy to find new friends.”
— Unknown
Why did Chicken Little cross the road?
To warn the people on the other side that the sky was falling.
Roses are red
that much is true.
But violets are purple
not freaking blue.
A robber walks into a bank and points the gun at the receptionist
"Give me all your money or you're Geography!" 'Don't you mean "or you're History"?'
"*DON'T CHANGE THE SUBJECT!"*
If Arnold has $5 and you have $5, you both have $5.
Why didn’t the pecan go to the ballet?
It was afraid of the nutcracker.
"I now pronounce you dumped and single. You may now kiss my ass."
What do you call an ancient Egyptian chef?
Gordon Ramses.
We’re in a-green-ment.
My son took his jar collection way too far
When I came home from work I thought the house was robbed because the door was ajar.
I am an introvert, but you know how to bring me out of my shell.
What happens if an owl doesn't wash?
It smells fowl.
Anything is popsicle during summer!
A golfer had a heart attack and died on the way to the hospital. He was on a fairway to heaven.
I caught the chef sticking his hand in the cooking pot. He looked at me and said...
"I was just feeling a little chili."
My father and grandfather work for the DMV.
I come from a long line of long lines.
What do we call a scientist who specializes in pineapples? He might be called a pineappleologist!
Are you made of fluorine, iodine, and neon? ‘Cause you are F-I-Ne.
Call me Hamstring, 'cause you've pulled.
I had no clue how much lettuce to buy, so I called my wife from the grocery store.
Turns out two heads are better than one.
Are electrons pessimistic or optimistic?
Obviously pessimistic, they are always negative!
I have wondered at times what the Ten Commandments would have looked like if Moses had run them through the U.S. Congress. -- Ronald Reagan
I used Brylcreem this morning to slick back my hair like my father used to do. My wife asked me what I was doing.
I said, "I'm having a dad hair day."
When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be.
Turns out identity theft is a crime
Who was Shakespeare's reptilian cousin?
Snakespeare
“Every family is dysfunctional, whether you want to admit it or not.”
- Shailene Woodley.
Why did the girl break up with the boy?
He was driving her crazy!
What do Egyptian Pharaoh's and sandwich filling have in common?
They're both in bread.
“What is the only flaw of being intelligent?…that you have to deal with stupid people.”
Anonymous
They were losing the battle, until they started chucking the tops of kitchen cupboards at the enemy.
It was a counter attack.
Why did the gorilla cross the road? He had to take care of some monkey business.
You may have crossed fifty
But mum says you are still nifty
You may have aged a bit
But young, is your spirit
You may have become weaker
But in your mind, you are stronger
Here’s a birthday wish for a dad
Who by heart, is still a teenage lad.