Juvenile Court Tries Shooting Defendant
Did you hear about the lazy flower who finally got his act together?
He just needed a kick in the bud.
What weighs more: a pound of logs or a pound of leaves? They weigh the same.
Excuse me, I just noticed you noticing me and I just wanted to give you notice that I noticed you too.
Why are apples afraid to grow in the United States? Because they don't want to be as American as apple pie.
I have a serious love-heat relationship with summer.
What would a crow wear to the Halloween party? A crown!
"Read between the wines."
How come abbreviated is such a long word?
Q. What is a gorilla's favorite holiday?
A. Ape-ril Fools Day!
What do you call a crocodile that keeps breaking the law?
A crookadile.
I'm not like other keyboards...
I'm qwerty
If you're Russian when you go to the bathroom, and you're Finnish when you come out of it, what are you when you're inside?
European!
What happens if you break the brain scanner?
You’re prettier than a summer day in Lunenburg.
What did the eskimo say when he chopped down a tree?
Tim-brrr
Where do cows go on vacation?
Moo York.
"It’s bad manners to let vacation wait!"
What’s it like to be kissed by a vampire?
It’s a pain in the neck.
Why did the lemon like the orange? He’s not from concentrate.
Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink.
Q: Patient: Doctor, sometimes I feel like I'm invisible.
A: Doctor: Who said that?
Metaphors be with you.
When Chuck Norris was born he drove his mom home from the hospital.
Would you sit on my feet while I do push ups?
Where to Bees go to party in Spain?
Ibiza.
Why did some of the elves spell Christmas as N-O-E? Because Santa said No L!
How do fish get high?
Seaweed.
The turtle had to cross the road in order to get to the Shell station.
I had a shell of a time when I attended the costume party as a turtle.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Butter
Butter who?
Butter be quick, I have to go to the bathroom!
Where did the Terminator find extra olive oil??
Aisle B, back.
Man: "Hey, baby, if you come home with me, I can show you a really good time."
Woman: "You know what your problem is? Your mouth is writing checks that your body can't cash."
What type of keys does the gingerbread man unlock his door with? cook-keys!
I used to get so mad when my kitchen appliances leaked
now it's just water under the fridge
The strawberry went out with the grape only because he couldn't find a date.
“Not telling me something because you don’t want to piss me off is probably the best way to piss me off.”
— ScorpioQuotes.com
Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers?
They never let anyone finish a sentence!
"Every morning is good; it’s not his fault that someone didn’t sleep well."
– Unknown
“Fond of doctors, little health, Fond of lawyers, little wealth.”
Proverb
There was an Old Man of Kildare,
Who climbed into a very old chair;
When he said,-- "Here I stays,--
till the end of my days,"
That immovable Man of Kildare.
“The waste of money cures itself, for soon there is no more to waste." ~M.W. Harrison
Friend: What are you gonna be for halloween? Me: Drunk!
"Pollen- when flowers can't keep it in their plants"
What did the nectarine say after the church service? The peacher gave a great sermon!
"Grandparent Rap"
It's Grandparents' Day and we're here to say,
"We love our Grandparents in a major way."
So sit right down and take a seat,
And we'll put on a show that can't be beat!
Some Grandparents are skinny. Some eat a lot.
Some are funny. Some are not.
Some short, some tall, some big, some small.
It doesn't matter. We love them all.
"Warning... I'm exercising, eating right and watching my alcohol intake... which means I'm sober, I'm cranky and I'm sore, so proceed with caution!"
What has eight arms and an IQ of 60?
Four guys drinking Bud Light and watching a football game!
Werewolves love similes and metafurs.
“They say that love is more important, but have you ever tried to pay your bills with a hug?” – Anonymous
What do you tell a cheese going through a hard time?
Ricotta get through this.