What did the lovesick pig sing to his girlfriend? Don't go bacon my heart!
What is a chillin' banana's favorite song?
Mellow Yellow!
“The U.S. Senate is considering a bill that would tax Botox. When Botox users heard this, they were horrified. Well, I think they were horrified. It’s difficult to tell.”
— Craig Ferguson
Did you hear about the math professor who was afraid of negative numbers?
He will stop at nothing to avoid them.
Chuck Norris beat the sun in a staring contest.
"What did the carrot say to the wheat?
Lettuce rest, I'm feeling beet."
- Shel Silverstein
When winter comes, this town turns into an iceburg.
How do you know when your dog is lazy?
When it chases parked cars.
I heard there are some fires near Greece
We’re gonna need a lot of baking soda.
Those who study the moon for their course or as a habit, are optimists. And that is because they look at the brighter side always.
Did you hear about the guy who got fired from the Keyboard Factory?
He didn't put enough shifts in.
Why was the Whale bank heist so successful?
Because it was a whale orca-strated plan
When do they smother a burrito in cheese? In best queso scenario.
What did the manager say to the realtor who kept forgetting to sign the agreement?
He said, "Just do the deed."
Emo bunnies just do not carrot all.
What's the hardest tea to swallow?
Reality.
“Sunshine and happiness go together like fish and chips!”
― Catherine Pulsifer
What do Snowmen call their offspring?
Chill-dren.
What did the copy machine say when it spilled it’s skincare?
"Oh no, that was my toner"
"At fifty, everyone has the face he deserves." - George Orwell
What’s a good way to start a conversation with a cheese plate on Tinder?
“Hello. Is it brie you’re looking for?”
"If you think adventure is dangerous try routine, it’s lethal."
– Paulo Coelho
What is a red heads favorite drink?
Ginger Ale.
“What Yoga really is… Spending an entire hour trying not to fart.”— Anonymous
Grandpa: “Don’t scare me, I’m a heart patient.”
“If you scare me, I’ll never talk to you again.”
Icy what you did there.
What do you call a rental car in Spain?
A Barceloaner.
How many second violinists does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They can’t get up that high.
Dud you know Astronauts said steaks are better in space?
They're a little meteor.
If you look at the map of my heart, it says 'You are here.'
I thought my ballet-themed body art was unique
But then I saw someone who had a tutu tattoo, too.
What happened when Caesar's government officials could not reach consensus?
Irritable Brawls in Rome
What do you call 10 blondes standing ear to ear? A wind tunnel.
An owner of a pizza shop has just been found dead covered with pineapple, ham, mushrooms, and pepperoni. Word is that he topped himself.
Why do oranges wear suntan lotion? They peel in the sun.
“Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died."
~ Erma Bombeck
What do Muslims do during the coronavirus outbreak?
They stay in Quran-tine.
If you’re Russian to the bathroom, Finnish when you leave, what are you while you are in?
European.
I almost got into a fight with a bendy straw.
When I put it in my drink, it tried to flex on me.
My mother-in-law dropped her iPhone in the toilet...
I told her, "there's a CRAP for that."
What do you call a camel with three humps?
Pregnant.
What kind of test do chemistry students like best?
Mole-tiple choice
What do you call a rainbow you ride your horse on?
A rein-bow.
What will a chinese grill use when a wok is too slow
A wun.
What did the koala radio host say before going on a commercial break? “We’re going to take a small paws for our sponsors.”
Why did the gardener think her plant was sick?
It was looking very green.
Even The Beatles think that we should "Come Together." "Right now."
Is your name pronounced Ee-an, or Eye-an? I hope it’s the latter cuz I’ve got my Ian you
How do you fix a broken tuba?
With a tuba glue.
Q: What’s the fastest way to make a skeleton?
A: Put a leper in a wind tunnel