Ever wonder what's happening under Orion's belt?
What did the clean dog say to the dirty dog?
Long time no flea.
So Chanel is making a new perfume made entirely of rain water.
It’s called the Weather Chanel.
Vikings weren't exactly the best at drinking contests.
They were quite MEADiocre.
I bought a wig for my wife, at a discount store...
Didn't want toupee full price.
Where’s a dolphin’s favorite place to drink?
A dive bar!
My favorite attractive force is Van der Waal's force. Can you feel it? I'll move closer if you can't.
Every time I think about you, my heart’s tempo shifts from adagio to allegro.
English can be understood through tough thorough thought, though.
It's impossible to ruin the view of the Colisseum.
Living in france must be hard
I mean, 100 dollars is only a cent.
Why do dogs run in circles?
Because it’s hard to run in a square.
I was born in the wild but for you I would be domesticated.
What do you give a dog with a fever?… Mustard, it’s the best thing for a hot dog.
My friend Elmer’s has gotten really good at tennis ever since he stuck to a healthier diet and went glue-ten free.
Why didn't the corn chip advocate wear shoes?
They believed in Fritos.
Why don't some couples go to the gym? Because some relationships don't work out.
I was dating a keyboard but we had to break up...
...she just wasn't my type.
What bee is most indecisive?
A May bee!
Why did the advertising tycoons hire a bunch of apes?
They were running a gorilla marketing campaign.
Two ghosts were at a disco. One was having a fa-boo-lous time and the other wanted to boo-gie all night long!
How to spot the best mechanic?
The brightest bulb.
What do you get when you drop a pumpkin? Squash.
What do you call a lamb covered in chocolate? A Candy Baa. Did you hear about the love affair between Mr. Goodbar and Peppermint Patty? They had a baby, Ruth.
Watched a TV show about how they build ships.
It was riveting.
Wow, you're so cool in this hot weather that my freezer is jealous of you.
We had a lively debate in physics.
It was a conversation of energy.
"No doubt a brain and some shoes are essential for marathon success. Although if it comes down to a choice, pick the shoes. More people finish marathons with no brains than with no shoes."
Don Kardong
My wife was scratching the glass jar with a metal spoon...
It was jarring!!!
I saw a sheep covered in plastic
It was lambinated.
"An Easter bonnet can tame even the wildest hare."
Ensure you save for the rainy day because even your closest friends can give you a cold shoulder.
How could the skeleton tell that rain was coming?
He could feel it in his bones.
What kind of horse would Bilbo Baggins ride?
A shire.
Why was the blonde woman talking into an envelope? She was trying to send a voicemail!
Are you a chocolate cake? I’m craving something sweet.
A guy walks into the bar.
It's hardly surprising he didn't make the steeplechase team, on reflection.
What kind of pizza do you order on Christmas?
Cheeses Crust.
The doctor told me to get in a bathtub full of milk to soothe my sunburn, I asked him 'pasteurized?'
He said 'No, just up to your neck'
How does a shark greet a fish?
Pleased to eat you.
Where do you store peach juice? Inside of a peach-er.
Why do fish not like computers?
Because they are worried about getting caught in the Inter-net.
What do you call really scared pasta?
Chicken noodles.
What did one cell say to his sister cell when she stepped in his toe? Mitosis.
Let's get drinks, cuz I wanna get into the holiday ~spirit~ with you.
You know what really makes my blood boil?
The vacuum of space.
Why didn’t the flamingo cross the road?
Because he’s not a chicken.
What does a Greek God say when they answer the phone?
"Whodisious?"
What do you call a blonde holding a balloon? Siamese twins
A beaver goes into a bar and sees a man standing behind the bar and asks him...
"Excuse me sir. Is the bar tender here?"