How do you drown a submarine full of blonds?
You knock on the door.

What kind of car did the heart surgeon drive to work?
A beater.

Roses are red and so is the state, let us be comrades because I think you are great

After his teeth were cleaned, the werewolf ate the dentist.

My brother turned into a vegetable.
I guess now he has fryngers and potatoes.

The Easter Bunny won’t be making his usual rounds this year. He’s laid up with a hareline fracture.

What do you call a snowman party?
A snowball.

My boat is starting to sink, I'm going to sell it.
See my boat listing in the paper.

What are you doing for the rest of your afterlife?

"If I Were In Charge Of The World"

If I were in charge of the world
I'd cancel oatmeal,
Monday mornings,
Allergy shots, and also Sara Steinberg.

If I were in charge of the world
There'd be brighter nights lights,
Healthier hamsters, and
Basketball baskets forty eight inches lower.

If I were in charge of the world
You wouldn't have lonely.
You wouldn't have clean.
You wouldn't have bedtimes.
Or "Don't punch your sister."
You wouldn't even have sisters.

If I were in charge of the world
A chocolate sundae with whipped cream and nuts would be a vegetable
All 007 movies would be G,
And a person who sometimes forgot to brush,
And sometimes forgot to flush,
Would still be allowed to be
In charge of the world.

– Judith Viorst

Oh Miles, you make me Smiles.

What did the student say when the witch doctor removed his curse?
Hexagon.

My Gourd, Autumn is so fall of herself!

This flu season, doctors are recommending you wipe your throat down with tissues.
Apparently they're synonymous with clean necks.

I phoned OK magazine the other day. They answered and said "Hello?", so I said "Sorry, wrong number," and hung up.

How do you make dog bread?
Just use collie flour.

My sister thinks that she is so intelligent. She says onion is the only food which makes her cry. That is the reason why I threw a pineapple at her face.

Why did the orange lose the race?
“Because it got Im-peached.”

What do you give a dog with a fever?… Mustard, it’s the best thing for a hot dog.

Did you hear the one about the pianist convention?
They had a few keynote speakers

Did you hear the one about the geologist? He took his wife for granite so she left him.

"A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand."
— Barbara Johnson

Hey baby, my body's like Ontario. Yours to discover.

What did the Power Ranger say after being sent to the hospital?
It's morphine time.

Roll over. I'll scratch your belly.

I was hoping you’d text first, but clearly Abby-t you to it

How much fur can you get from a dinosaur ? As fur as you can get!

I just got some mistletoe, how about we go back to my place and try it out?

What's a redneck's favorite beer?
An open one.

What happened when the beer got divorced?
It became bitter.

Her ex-husband had a heart attack after winning the lottery
But he'd neglected to update his will. She just couldn't bereave her luck!

Why did the orange lose his job at the factory? He didn’t concentrate.

"I have no plants in my house. They won't live for me. Some of them don't even wait to die, they commit suicide."
- Jerry Seinfeld

You are really talented. You should join a punk-croc band.

What kind of car does a sheep drive?
A LAMBorghini

In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.
Rita Rudner

You must be Saturn Because I feel attracted to you even when I’m a million miles away!

"Grandchildren don’t make a man feel old, it’s the knowledge that he’s married to a grandmother that does." - J. Norman Collie

What do you call an everyday potato? A commen-tater.

What do pigs learn in the army? Ham to ham combat.

My mom's sister once mistook Ritalin for aspirin...
It really upped the aunty!

Why should you take a pencil to bed? To draw the curtains!

“October: This is one of the particularly dangerous months to invest in stocks. Other dangerous months are July, January, September, April, November, May, March, June, December, August and February.” Mark Twain

Why is the Medieval period often called the Dark Ages?
Because there were so many knights.

What did the cat say when something bad happened? That’s un-fur-tunate!

Where do flowers recharge? At a power plant!

Everyone needs to eat bread because loaf is what makes the world go round. Loaf truly is.

Why can’t a car play football?
Because it only has one boot.

“Waiter, will my pizza be long?”
“No sir, it will be round!”

“Never underestimate a child’s ability to get into more trouble.”

- Martin Mull.