I was picking through the turkeys at the grocery store for Thanksgiving Day, but I couldn't find one big enough for my family. I turned to the employee and asked, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
“No, sir," he replied. "They're dead."
Q. Which African animal is the oldest?
A. The zebra. 'Cause it's in black and white.
Why is Pavlov's hair so soft?
Because he conditions it.
What do you get if you cross two snakes with a magic spell?
Addercadabra and abradacobra.
The sun is mad at the clouds because the clouds keep throwing shade.
Roses are red,
Violets are yellow,
I’m hoping this poem,
Will get me a fellow
I started dating the girl across the street. Honestly, lawn-distance relationships aren’t that hard.
I did a good deed today by giving up my seat on the bus to an elderly lady...
How was I supposed to know she’d never driven a bus before?
What kind of hunt is a marriage? One where the trapped animal has to buy the license.
Which cartoon character is the best at baseball?
Homer Simpson.
Why did the realtor open a bakery shop?
Because he was dealing in dough!
They say that she only paints night scenes. Other artists really pale by comparison.
I could have been an astronaut...
but my parents told me the sky was the limit.
Girl you are rocking this run.
She broke up with me while we were swimming in Egypt
I'm still in de-Nile
The last buyer I worked with wasn’t that bright.
When I handed him an exclusive buyer agreement that said “sign here” at the bottom, instead of signing his name, he just wrote “Capricorn.”
Why wasn't the taxidermist invited to Thanksgiving dinner?
No one wanted to try his stuffing
You can take me home tonight, but only if Yuletide-y up your place.
Where do you bury dead cutlery?
In it's final resting plates.
What do you call a sleeping bull? A bulldozer!
What kind of humor did the Founding Fathers partake in?
Dad jokes
Why will you never meet an ice cream workaholic?
They know how to chill out.
“Let a man walk ten miles steadily on a hot summer’s day along a dusty English road, and he will soon discover why beer was invented.”
- Gilbert K. Chesterton
What did God say after creating man? I must be able to do better than that.
What do you call a big Irish spider?
A Paddy long legs.
The circle is just the most ridiculous shape in the world.
There's absolutely no point to it.
What do you call a rabbit who is angry over getting burnt? A hot cross bunny.
Hurricane Irene is a Category 3, but if it had your name it be a perfect 10.
As a baseball player, I know my way around the bases.
It’s so cold I had to eat ice cream just to warm up.
"If you want to read about love and marriage, you’ve got to buy two separate books." — Alan King
Did you hear what happened to the girl who twisted her ankle in the cow’s pen? She was milking her injury!
Q: What is a cloud's favorite reptile?
A: A blizzard.
I’m invisible. [Really?] Can you see me? [Yes]. How about tomorrow night?
Why was the realtor upset with his truck driver client one day?
The client wanted a house with really long haul ways.
Girl you're looking like a snack and I'm going on a diet.
What did E.Ts mother say to him when he got home?
"Where on Earth have you been?"
I keep looking at our upstage platform that is designed with only a ladder for access. It's just so hard not to stair.
Filming in cemetery angers residents - The Evening Standard
After a tiring day at work, my wife drew me a relaxing bath. It wasn't very smart of me to ask if it was going to be in color or a sketch.
Why did Neil Armstrong pee right after he made his first step on the moon?
He wanted to go where no man had gone before.
Earlier, I tried to sneak into the Star Trek convention disguised as the starship's doctor.
Security soon discoverd, however, I wasn't the real McCoy.
“Never let an angry sister comb your hair.”
- Patricia McCann
Are you a ghost? Because you’ve been haunting my dreams.
The sun is just a big space heater.
Is there a bathroom in this tennis club? Because I’m about to drop a deuce.
“Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?”—Groucho Marx
I hope you know CPR, baby because you take my breath away.
Me: I just burned 2000 calories in 20 minutes.
Friend: How?
Me: I forgot to take my brownies out of the oven.
Which side of a deer has the best meat?
The inside.