What type of sandals do frogs wear?
Open-toad!
During the contribution’s session, the mushroom family never gave a lot. They were just two spore.
A newspaper man named Fling,
Could make "copy" from any old thing.
But the copy he wrote,
Of a five dollar note,
Was so good he is now wears so much bling.
Do you know what's on the menu tonight, girl?
Me 'n' U.
What did the turkey say before it was roasted? Boy! I'm stuffed!
Why can't Vikings fans eat cereal? Because they choke before they ever reach the bowl.
A blond calls her mom...
Blond: "Mom mom!! I'm a genius!"
Mother: "Really dear? How's that possible?"
Blond: "I finished a puzzle that I've been working on for 1 year and on the box it said 'for 2-5 yrs'."
How did the hipster burn his mouth?
He ate his food before it was cool.
“Three things that never lie: Little kids, drunk people, and yoga pants.” – Unknown
What did the bus driver say to the frog?
Hop on.
What language do they teach at Elf School?
North Polish!
Why did the pre-pubescent dragon lose the rap battle?
He couldn't spit hot fire yet.
How hard is it to lose a wife? Nowadays its almost impossible.
What is the angriest place on Earth?
Ire-land
What happened when a man practiced archery near some stationary planes? They ended up very arrow-dynamic.
Heard about the devoted beaver who crossed the turbulent river? He took a leap of faith!
You know you’re getting old when…
happy hour is a nap.
Are you a chocolate cake? I’m craving something sweet.
'You're beautiful and I love you," I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied "I just want to be friends."
Why shouldn’t you take corn on an airplane?
Your ears will pop!
What did the pineapple say to the pineapple chunk? Stay golden.
What's the best Beatles' song to play at a coffee shop? Latte Be.
"I believe that the good Lord gave us a finite number of heartbeats and I'm damned if I'm going to use up mine running up and down a street."
Neil Armstrong
My dad told me he’s not gonna eat my deviled eggs this thanksgiving.
He told me they’re possessed.
"People who wonder if the glass is half full or half empty miss the point. The glass is refillable."
A beaver asked his fellow beavers to hurry up and said, "Water you waiting for, make haste."
What do you call Bigfoot from Canada?
Sasquatch-ewan.
My Physics teacher said I have no potential.
Joke's on her, I just bought a ladder.
What do you call a gorilla stuck in a ventilation shaft
A Duct-ape.
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
Life is better when we stick together.
Why did the turkey cross the road?
It was Thanksgiving Day, and it wanted people to think it was a chicken!
I love a good shindig. Just call me Napoleon Bonapart-y.
Challah if you see me in the streets. Will do.
A farmer counted 297 cows in the field.
But when he rounded them up, he had 300.
"Humor keeps us alive. Humor and food. Don't forget food. You can go a week without laughing."
— Joss Whedon
Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.
Q: Why was the cloud so dark and stormy?
A: It was feeling mis-thunder-stood.
Why did the werewolf laugh while chewing on the skeleton?
He got to the funny bone.
"Remember, the second most important thing to choosing the right shoe is choosing the left one."
Unknown
Why did the bunny go to the hospital?
Because he needed a hopperation.
“Marriage is like vitamins: we supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements.”—Kathy Mohnke
Will the Red Wings be able to replace their venerable captain Steve? No, because
when it comes to hockey smarts there is no Yzer man.
What's grandma's favorite fruit?
a Ba-nana.
It was so cold the mice were playing ice hockey in the toilet bowl.
What type of car does a cowboy drive?
Audi partner.
Girl, you should not have covered your beautiful eyes behind those Versace sunglasses.
What card game do crocodiles like playing?
Snap!
I'd like to practice some of my penalty kicks with you.
My pants might be in the wrong place but my heart is always in the right place.