What do you call a hangover when you're alone in Spain?
Barf-a-lona.

I heard someone broke out of prison using a sheep
I didn’t believe it until I saw the news and he was on the lamb.

Did you hear about the elf who was a little hard of hearing?
She had to keep saying "Sleigh, what?"

How do you get more bounce in a water bed?
Put some spring water in it

"I was a vegetarian until I started leaning towards sunlight."
- Rita Rudner

I like your wart, want to see a few of mine?

My father loves eating reams of soup. That is the reason why I think he should be nominated to the Soup – ream – court!

Where do cows get together?
The meet market.

What is worse than when it is raining buckets?
Hailing taxis.

I don't think there's anything hotter than chocolate but hey! There you are in front of me.

Rattle-skattle skeletons
clitter-clack each bone
Shrieksome banshees circle
and werewolves howl and moan.
Sh-sh-shake and shiver spectres
weeshly whisk along the halls
while plumptious orange pumpkins
throw their shadows on the walls.
Double-trouble witchy twins
are cooking up commotion
with rosy poison apples
bib-bobbing in their potion.
Black cats hide in shadows
with topaz eyes ashine
whilst Mummies gently moulder
in the cellar with the wine.
SCRITCH SCRITCH SCRATCH! and RAT-A-TAT!
Zoiks! Zombies — in the street!
Halloweenies here to party —
and cackling:
TRICK OR TREAT!

- Sarah Ziman

What’s the only fruit that never gets lonely?
A pear.

What do you call a cow that has 2 legs? Side of beef

What are the strongest days of the week? Saturday and Sunday, the rest are weekdays.

My lips are like skittles. Wanna taste the rainbow?

I tried to play a bass guitar once.
It didn't make much sound, and it slipped out of my hands and swam away.

What do Spanish speaking people prefer to travel in groups of 2 or 4?
No tres-passing.

My family told me to stop telling Thanksgiving Day jokes.
I told them I couldn’t stop cold turkey

Why do ghouls like ice cream?
Because it’s ghoulilicous!

My girlfriend and I saw an inflatable gorilla In front of a jacuzzi store
She asked me why they would do that for a jacuzzi store. I told her it was a guerilla tactic. She was not impressed.

What’s Irish and stays outside all year?
Patty O’Furniture

Why did the turkey sit on the tomahawk? To hatchet.

I was up all night wondering where the sun had gone for so long but then it finally dawned on me.

I’m rooting for you!

How does the cell phone call his girlfriend on Valentine's Day? He gives her a ring.

Never criticize a gun owner until you've walked a mile in his shoes
That way he'll be barefoot and you'll be out of range.

Do you want to be disappointed tonight?

“Is it Monday already? I’m almost positive I did not get my entire portion of the weekend.”

Here’s another one; what about an otter who lives in an emptied out melon? An ottermelon.

Why did the dinosaur cross the road? Because the chicken joke wasn't invented yet.

When it rains chickens and ducks, the best description for the weather is foul weather.

Why did the deer cross the road?
To prove he wasn’t a chicken.

A fairy appears in front of an old man.
"For the good things you've done in your life, I grant you three wishes!"

The old man squints and asks: "Can you speak up a bit? My hearing isn't the best anymore..."

The fairy replies: "SURE! YOU HAVE TWO WISHES!"

The therapist asked my wife why she wanted to end our marriage. She said she hated all the constant Star Wars puns. I look at the therapist and said, "Divorce is strong with this one"

"Listen, smile, agree, and then do whatever you were gonna do anyway."
― Robert Downey Jr.

What do you call a psychic gnome who escaped from prison?
A small, medium at large!

You must be copper because I could really CU ending up with me.

“What is the difference between a taxidermist and a tax collector? The taxidermist takes only your skin” –Mark Twain

We’re not socks, but we make an excellent pair.

Why did the cat run away from the tree? Because of its bark!

They say this stuff makes clothes really soft. Want to come over and have a feel?

Where do cow farts come from?
The dairy air.

Mind if my comet enters your solar system?

What’s a horse’s favorite dance move?
Watch me whip, now watch me neigh neigh.

When I drink, I always end up with rosy cheeks,
I wake up in the flower bed at the end of my garden the next day.

What is a lion’s favourite cheese?
Roarquefort

I've got a really good vegetable pun.
I’d tell you but I’m worried you’d think it’s too corny.

I’m o-fish-ally in love with you.

"An expert is a man who has made all the mistakes which can be made in a very narrow field."
~ Niels Bohr

What do you get from sitting on the snow too long?
Polaroids!