What did Bacon say to Tomato? Lettuce get together!
I've been thinking about you owl night long...
You must be calcification on a non-contrast CT, cause you’re just glowing.
What do you call someone that plays Tenor and Alto saxophone?
Bisaxual.
There's this subject called chemistry
how it works is a total mystery
it is an atom
says my madam
but all I see is my misery.
(By Faaizah)
"There is still no cure for the common birthday." - John Glenn
What kind of cookies do vulcans love? Spockolate chips.
Are you a pile of soiled dishes? Because I want to spend the entire evening with you.
My wife made beef stew to clear my stuffed nose...
...bud I don'd dink it was strogonoff.
Ever use one of those expensive toothbrushes?
It's breath-taking.
Why did the student get upset when his teacher called him average?
It was a ‘mean’ thing to say!
I got fired from the unemployment office on Friday.
My boss said, “Clean out your desk, and I’ll see you in the office on Monday.”
What was it like to fight Medusa?
- At first I was afraid, then I was petrified...
Police Officer: "How high are you?"
Pothead: "No officer, it's "Hi, How are you?"
Which nut is the worst for your diet?
Donuts.
What did the copy machine say when it spilled it’s skincare?
"Oh no, that was my toner"
Birthdays are sometimes hard to observe
Many people think they are for the birds.
Well, when I look at your age
I can see why you are at that stage.
Where did the years go
Another birthday, oh no
It only seemed like yesterday
We celebrated your birthday.
Oh who cares about age
Don't let it discourage
Be happy and just say
It is just another day!
(Catherine Pulsifer)
What do you get if you cross a pig with a dinosaur ? Jurassic Pork!
My doctor forgot to document my blood type.
It was a typo.
Why did the blonde put sugar on her bed? Because she wanted sweet dreams!
How did Burger King get Dairy Queen Pregnant? He forgot to wrap his whopper!
“Flattery is like cologne water, to be smelt, not swallowed.”
Josh Billings
Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Justin.
Justin who?
Just in the neighborhood, thought I would drop by.
Are you a sheep cause your body is unbaaaaalievable.
I got a C in Physics and my parents grounded me.
They say I don't understand the gravity of the situation.
My chair is missing an arm and a leg.
That doesn't sit well with me.
What's a Vikings favourite dance?
The Loki cokey.
Is there a fireman around? Because you are smoking hot.
Are you the splash-and-dash? Because you've got my heart beating.
I accidentally went to bed with my contact lenses in the other night.
My dreams have never been clearer.
What do you think of puns about deer?
“I’m very fawn’d of them myself.”
Over the long journey and having overcome many hardships together, the Pilgrims’ bonds strengthened and they all became pretty good Palgrims.
(we'll show ourselves out)
"Sweet Misery"
When I fell in love with you,
it made a wreck of me.
I feel so dazed and dizzy
that it’s hard for me to see.
I get too hot and sweat a lot.
I hardly eat a bite.
My pulse beats like a kettle drum
and keeps me up at night.
My stomach hurts, and I go down
as if I’ve got the bends.
Love’s causing me sweet misery–
I hope it never ends!
— Susanna Rose
What did the bat say to the friend who itched and squirmined?
Come back when you have washed out the virmin.
Dogs can't operate an MRI machine, but Catscan.
I wasn't expecting to be diagnosed as colour blind.
It really came out of the purple.
What do vampires use when baking cakes?
Batter.
What do you call it when a truck of tortoises crashes into an aquarium?
A turtle disaster.
The se* was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.
I had a girlfriend that went scuba diving...
One day I lobster and never flounder again.
My dad and I saw this girl with a colorful backpack covered in pot leaves
He turned to me and said "thats a dope backpack". He is catching onto my slang.
"A bad cold wouldn't be so annoying if it weren't for the advice of our friends." - Kin Hubbard
What has four legs and an arm?
A happy pitbull.
Sorry, can you please go away? Everytime you come around you take my breath away.
I had a tattoo of a Scorpion on my back last night and to tell the truth...
It stings like hell.
“There’s no such thing as ready. You just jump on a moving train and you try not to die.”
- A Dad, ‘What To Expect When You Are Expecting.’
How about we skip the hors d oeuvres and head straight for the digestif?
How do you move a piece of furniture at the weather station?
With four casters.
What did one pirate say to the other when he beat him in chess.
Check matey!
What is a chillin' banana's favorite song?
Mellow Yellow!