What do Ghosts suffer from? Saturday fright fever.
Any advice on getting a pet pig? Just be sure you get the pig of the litter.
What did the jockey respond when someone asked to ride his horse?
“Dis-mount is mine.”
A vampire broke up with his girlfriend when she had a blood test. He told her she wasn't his type.
What did the beaver say after she slipped in water?
Dam it.
Do you wanna go to a restaurant?
You can't spell “menu” without me and u.
Girl, have we both been rendered sightless? Because we ain’t seeing each other anymore.
If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
What did the pickle say when he was told he was going in to a salad?
I relish the thought.
Are you German? Cuz you’re a Nein and I’m the one Ja need.
I hope it doesn’t rain Halloween night.
That would dampen spirits.
"Santa’s pretty stelfy going down the chimney, don’t you think?" said one elf to another.
Corn mazes should be renamed Maize mazes.
On a scale from 1 to 10, you're a 9... And I'm the 1 you need.
What's the best time of year to see gorillas in the wild? Ape-ril.
What season is it when you are on a trampoline? Spring time.
It’s so hot I saw a heatwave and I waved back.
What is a dessert called with an extra chromosome?
A chocolate downie.
When is it appropriate to sleep in a bathtub?
When you're feeling drained.
The strawberry was very good at racing because he was always juiced up before a race.
Where do birch trees keep their jewelry? In the river bank.
"Running makes me feel less like I want to kill people."
From a runner's T-shirt
What did the astronaut see in his frying pan?
An Unidentified Frying Object.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Ireland!
Ireland who?
Ireland you money, if you promise to pay me back.
I wrote you a song, but it’s not very good
I wanted to serenade you, the best way I could
But it came out more, like a list of complaints
Because as much as I love you
Some days you drive me insane
(Anonymous)
Do you like sub-bass? Because you just turn on my lower frequencies.
I want to start a deer breeding business…
But first, I’m gonna need about 5,000 bucks.
My favorite restaurant started serving a superhero-themed skillet breakfast.
Turns out it was just The Flash in a pan.
"If you feel bad at 10 miles, you're in trouble. If you feel bad at 20 miles, you're normal. If you don't feel bad at 26 miles, you're abnormal."
Rob de Castella
Restrooms in restaurants often have a sign saying "Employees must wash hands".
But after waiting hours, no one has ever helped me with mine!
I sure hope you know set theory, ’cause I wanna intersect and union with you.
Why are frogs so good at basketball?
Because they always make jump shots.
To resolve the internal issues at the office, crows involved their cawnflict mediators.
How did the mother know her child would become a neuroanatomist?
He was constantly staining stuff.
What is the show cesium and iodine love watching together?
CSI.
What do you call a cow that plays the violin?
Moozart.
What is a vampire’s favorite fruit?
A blood orange.
Why did the two bears break up at the North Pole?
They were polar opposites.
An American guy visits a friend in Scotland.
When he arrives at his friend's house, he asks "Can I use your Wifi?"
The friend looks a bit perplexed, but then he smiles and says, "Sure ye can, she's up th' stairs."
"Life is too short for self-hatred and celery sticks."
– Marilyn Wann
I went to Taco Bell and order nacho fries
the person behind the counter wouldn't give them to me, just kept saying "nacho fries".
What's yellow and writes? A ball-point banana.
What type of ice cream do fish like to eat?
Shark-o-late!
My name is Romeo, will you be my Juliet?
The strawberry went out with the grape only because he couldn't find a date.
Why was the doctor so paranoid?
He worked in the ICU.
Where do all the cool mice live? In their mousepads.
The church is prayer-conditioned. -- Anonymous
"Don’t worry about what other people think. They don’t do it very often."
Anonymous
Did you hear about the kid that ate a whole pack of candy worms?
It’s a sour tale!