It’s so cold that Jack Frost changed his name to Jack Froze.
How do you get a Minecraft themed party started? Let them eat cake.
What's worse than finding a worm in your apple? Taking a bite and finding half a worm.
A potato gave a gift to his girlfriend.She said, “Aww, why are you so sweet? ”He said, “It’s just the
way I yam.”
A classical musician bought a Stradivari violin
Now he is quite Baroque.
A railroad engineer must be sure not to lose his train of thought or he might go down the wrong track.
I heard they’re remaking one of the Lord of the Rings movies, but everyone rides around on bicycles instead of horses.
They’re calling it The Two Tires
Is it hot in here, or is that just the Holy Spirit burning in you?
Why do sharks swim in saltwater?
Because pepper water makes them sneeze!
What's the difference between Big Foot and intelligent man? Big Foot has been spotted several times.
My doctor didn’t show up to the appointment about my hairline.
He said it got pushed back
I never need to see the sun again because your eyes light up my world.
Q: How does an artist fill in a CV?
A: He draws on experience.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Otto.
Otto who?
Otto know. I’ve got amnesia.
Avoid discussing coffee in sensitive company. It can make for a heated and strong debate.
Did you know the first French fries weren't actually cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece.
Why are glow worms good to carry in your Halloween bag?
They can lighten your load!
"Back that glass up."
What is a tornado's favorite Elton John song? Candle in the Wind!
What do you call 2 guys fighting over a slut? Tug-of-whore.
Are you religious?
Because your prayers have just been answered.
Are you a beaver? Because I like your tail.
What do you call a little tune about atmospheric moisture?
A humi-ditty.
What do you get when you kiss a diseased bird?
Cherpies, but don't worry.
It's tweetable.
I wanted to learn to drive a stick shift.
Thing is, I couldn’t find a manual.
What's green, green, green, green, green?
A frog rolling down a hill.
What do you call a dinosaur that lost his glasses? uthinkhesawrus
I have to pay for a bus ticket?
I guess it's only fare
My deaf girlfriend just told me, “We need to talk.”
That is not a good sign.
What is a ghosts favorite soup? Scream of Broccoli.
How do you make a glow worm happy? Cut off his tail, he'll be de-lighted.
Question: What is a turkey’s favorite dessert?
Answer: Peach gobbler!
I love Physics, but I'm terrible at Math.
I hope in doesn't Matter.
Why do skeletons hate the cold?
It sends chills up their spine.
When does a farmer dance? When he drops the beet.
I eat my peas with honey.
I've done it all my life.
It makes the peas taste funny.
But it keeps them on the knife!
What do you call an acid with attitude?
A meano-acid.
Shouldn’t we be carbon dating right now? Let’s get on with it.
Why did the football referee have trouble measuring the first down?
Someone was yanking his chain!
You are the HCl to my NaOH. With our sweet love, we could make an ocean together.
Whenever I’m in France I always start the day with a bowl of mushrooms...
Breakfast of champinions
What was Moses' favorite color?
Red, see?
In a romantic date, Romeo says to Juliette “Baby! You are the pineapple of my eyes!”
“Talking about music is like dancing about architecture.”
Steve Martin
Which knight is the protector of foods?
Sir Anwrap
What do you call a Pharaoh who has road rage?
Tootin' car man.
Did you hear about the thief that preferred robbing criminals and babysitters?
He cleaned out every crook and nanny.
“To be stupid, selfish, and have good health are three requirements for happiness, though if stupidity is lacking, all is lost.”
- Gustave Flaubert
There was an Old Man on some rocks,
Who shut his wife up in a box;
When she said, 'Let me out!'
He exclaimed, 'Without doubt,
You will pass all your life in that box.'
A packing plant received a load of lettuce to process. The workers grabbed the boxes quickly from the top and the bottoms fell out spilling the produce.
The boss yells, grab the boxes by the bottom, or heads are going to roll!