What’s a salesman’s favorite Scripture passage?
The Great Commission
Q: What did the wind turbine say to the engineer after he fixed him?
A: I’m a big fan of your work!
Why did the cheese shop owner finally quit the business?
He was tired of the daily rind.
Did you know this mall has a movie theater? I just saw a preview of our life together. Looks pretty good!
What do you call a line of men out on the lawn, having sausages and waiting to have a haircut and shave?
A barber queue.
“Friends are people who know you really well and like you anyway.”
— Greg Tamblyn
What's worst than a monkey eating bananas? A monkey going bananas.
The Cuban main violinist's string snapped during a performance. Luckily, he got offered another violin by his American friend.
That day, another Fiddle Catastrophe was prevented.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Lion
Lion who?
Lion on your doorstep, open up!
Thank you for teaching me about bargaining
It means a great deal.
Why do cheeses make bad musicians?
They’re always sharp.
What do you call an English rock band playing in the mist? Foghat.
"I must confess, I was born at a very early age."
My girlfriend is the square root of -100.
She’s a perfect 10, but purely imaginary.
“There are two times in a man’s life when he should not speculate: when he can’t afford it, and when he can.” – Mark Twain
Is your name Ariel? Because we mermaid for each other.
What did Gorgonzola say to Cheddar? Lookin' Sharp.
What did the zombie say when she fell out with her vampire friend?
- You're dead to me!
Why do women take baths to relax?
Because it's too hard to drink wine in the shower.
The rancher's Wifi wasn't working so he moved the router to the barn...
Now he has a stable connection
An astronaut broke up with his girlfriend
Apparently he didn't love her to the moon and back.
Looks like I’ve finally found my one and Zoe
‘Tis the sea-sun to be jolly.
People who use sleeping bags in the woods are soft tacos for bears.
Claude Pepper
Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
The perfect description of a bowling game is one where there is plenty of room at the top, but no room to lie down.
In on the ground flora.
Some people think prison is one word… but to criminals it’s the whole sentence.
What did Dr. Frankenstein say when Pinocchio’s nose grew?
IT’S A LIEEEEE!!
"A stupid person laughs three times at a joke; once when everyone else is laughing, a second time when he actually gets the joke, and a third time when he realizes he was laughing without getting the joke at first."
Failed my art exam by using the wrong pencil.
It wasn't 2b.
Why don't pets make good astronauts?
They're afraid of the spay station
Toasters were the first form of pop-up notifications.
There's a fine line between a numerator and a denominator.
Only a fraction of people will find this funny.
It's not you...it's your taste in music.
"My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on." — Joan Rivers
I heard that a truck carrying Scrabble tiles has just overturned… Well, that’s the word on the street, anyway.
Are you a Pepsi? Because you're so-da-licious!
A friend asked what an acorn is. I said, “In a nutshell, it’s an oak tree.”
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Your phone is smart,
So why aren’t you?
The nectarine academic is doing a Ph.D. in 'Peach and Language Psychology' from the University of Georgia.
When a turkey, who yearly escapes
From his owner's Thanksgiving plate,
Was asked to reveal
Why he's never a meal
He said, "That much of a turkey I ain't!"
- Gail DeBole
Whats the difference between love and marriage?
Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.
Why did the cat keep meow-ing? It didn’t want to be fur-gotten.
What is a 2000 pound skeleton called
A skeleTon.
What was the most flexible dinosaur? Tyrannosaurus Flex.
When do you serve tofu turkey? Pranksgiving
I'm on a hunt - for your number.
What did Mr. and Mrs. Citrus name their daughter?
Carolime
I'm pine-ing for you.