Are you a phone? Because I want to hold you in my hands all day and ignore the rest of the world while I stare at you alone in my bedroom.

How do you know you’ve been visited by a possessed rabbit? He leaves deviled eggs.

"Herbert Hilbert Hubert Snod"

Herbert Hilbert Hubert Snod
was known for eating all things odd.
The thing that bothered me the most
has he spread toothpaste on his toast?

“It’s springtime fresh, so cool and minty.”
His smiling eyes were bright and squinty.
On baked potatoes, he would slather
one half can of shave cream lather.

I don’t know how his tum could cope
as he ingested cubes of soap.
At times his food choice made a scene;
at least he kept his innards clean.

– Denise Rodgers

A man once said when is Monday coming? His wife said Mon-soon.

I’m in love with France, and I ain’t Lyon.

Did you hear about the love affair between sugar and cream? It was icing on the cake.

There’s snow one like you.

What did the flirty coat say to the jacket?
"Do you hang here often?"

[Pool Noodle] That’s using your noodle!

Nathan compares to you

Your smile lit up the room so I had to come over.

Why can't Vikings fans eat cereal? Because they choke before they ever reach the bowl.

You must be a Candy bar because you appease me.

Was there a spark between Frankenstein and his bride?
Yes, he simply couldn’t resistor.

Why couldn't the alpha helix say the alphabet?
Because it broke up every time it got to L-amino P.

Ma'am, I am looking for a running partner, for the rest of my life.

You think you're big.
With your fancy little words.
This is not so hard.

Why didn’t the lamp sink?
It was too light.

What’s the easiest way to catch a turkey?

Ask a friend to toss one at you.

Halloween Math
What do you get if you divide the circumference of a jack-o'-lantern by its diameter?

Pumpkin Pi.

I was supposed to solve for X. I am so glad that I found U instead.

What did one fish say to the other?
If you keep your mouth closed you will not get caught.

A logician's wife is having a baby. The doctor immediately hands the newborn to the dad. The wife says, "Is it a boy or a girl?" The logician says, "Yes."

Did you hear about the guy who had an addiction to cheddar cheese?
It was only mild.

Your sun salutation would get me to rise every morning.

It’s so cold kids are using a new excuse to stay up late: “But Mom, my pajamas haven’t thawed out yet!”

It was so hot that the soles of my shoes melted.

My wife asked me, “Did you fog up the bathroom mirror again?”
I said, “I don’t see myself doing that.”

Why is the barn so noisy?
Because the cows have horns.

There was an Old Person of Dover,
Who rushed through a field of blue Clover;
But some very large bees,
Stung his nose and his knees,
So he very soon went back to Dover.

Which local sportswriters are most effusive? Those who work in the praise
box!

I applied for a job as an Instructor at a Scuba Diving center. The interviewer wanted to know if I can work well under pressure.

Whenever the peach gets angry, it looks at my face and screams: “You are just a peach of sh*t!”

When does it rain brains?
During a brain storm.

What do you call a little ghost with a torn sheet? A hole-y terror.

I wrote a song about a tortilla chip.
Actually, it's more like a wrap.

“I’ve got seven kids, the three words you hear most around my house are: “Hello, goodbye, and I’m pregnant”.

- Dean Martin.

How do you make holy water? Boil the hell out of it!

How do you circumcise a whale?
You send down four skin divers.

A lettuce farm was busted by the FDA on suspicion of combining plant and human DNA to create a new protein hybrid.
When they dug up the grounds the found human romaines.

What do you call a sad cup of coffee? A depresso.

I bought my rabbit a fancy new hutch. But he doesn’t seem to carrot all.

Would Gretzky have changed his name in order to play in Mexico?
Yes, The Great Juan did what it takes.

Fall leaves whenever winter knocks on the door.

What's a king's favorite kind of precipitation?
Hail!

My wife’s an abysmal cook.
She tried combining corned beef, onions and potatoes…
She made a right hash of it.

What do you call a problematic person with a gun?
A troubleshooter.

Purple paper people, purple paper people, purple paper people.

How did Reese eat her soup? Witherspoon.

Why did the game warden arrest the ghost? No haunting license.