It's so cold that lawyers have their hands in their own pockets.
"I'm nuts about you."
“A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.”
Groucho Marx
What do you get if you put a duck in a cement mixer?
Quacks in the pavement.
Accordion to one study, people don’t notice when you replace any given word with the name of a musical instrument, but I don’t believe that tuba true.
My neighbors house got struck by lightning.
It hit close to home.
Their romance started by candlelight.
But it only lasted a wick.
Did you hear the joke about the pop fly? Oh, nevermind. It was over your head...
Why don't skeletons have a mobile? They don't have any body to talk to.
“Halloween” = an excuse for girls to dress up like sluts.
Why do Pencils shave?
To look sharp.
If a woman sleeps with 10 men she's a slut, but if a man does it… He's gay, definitely gay.
Have you heard the joke about the butter? I better not tell you, it might spread. How do baseball players stay cool? They sit next to their fans.
Yeah, you’re gonna love Big Ben. Oh wait, you mean the clock.
What do you call a female clown?
April Fools.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Gorilla!
Gorilla who?
Gorilla burger! I've got the buns!
Who dosent eat on Thanksgiving? A turkey because it is always stuffed.
Are you Spotify? Cause I can listen to you all day.
What's an Ancient Egyptian favorite restaurant?
Pizza Tut!
I wasted my time on a vasectomy.
All it seemed to do was change the color of the baby.
I had gradient expectations on him of being a good artist, but it was all in vain!
To which tier of fruits and vegetables do onions belong? They belong to the teary.
Hey girl, I’m not just going to show you the world, I’ll show you the universe.
May I have your number, so we stop being strangers?
What kind of car does a sheep drive?
A LAMBorghini
Did you hear about the circus fire? Yeah, it was in'tents'.
Hey, are you an anchor? Because you've done nothing but weigh me down.
Why do "tug" boats push their barges?
Is tea with additional salt
Salt-tea?
Chuck Norris had to stop washing his clothes in the ocean. Too many tsunamis.
“Why does Santa Claus go down the chimney on Christmas Eve? Because it soots him.”
“Fact. Pisces is the most wobbly sign of the zodiac.”
— Mary English
Where can you find a golfer on a Saturday night?
Clubbing.
What's the manliest fruit to eat?
Mango.
I saw a pig with laryngitis.
He was disgruntled.
What do you call a skeleton with no friends?
Bonely.
"I am not the type who wants to go back to the land; I am the type who wants to go back to the hotel."
- Fran Lebowitz
I only need a prescription for like half of my kitchen cabinets.
The rest are over the counter
What kind of jokes do skeletons tell?
Humerus ones.
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
What do you call a thirsty bee?
Beehydrated
What did the skeleton order for lunch? Spare ribs!
What’s a llama’s favorite song?
Llama Chameleon.
My friend is always trying to make cows nervous. She's a fan of milkshakes.
A system administrator has 2 problems:
1. Dumb users
2. Smart users
Did you hear about the troupe of gnome dancers that robbed half the city blind?
They had a good run, but the jig is up.
What do you call a group of crows who see food?
A tempted murder.
Denise sees the fleece, Denise sees the fleas. At least Denise could sneeze and feed and freeze the fleas.
What’s the first thing a musician says at work?
“Would you like fries with that?”
If cheese were downloadable, then I'd try to throw my hard drive as far as possible.
What I'm saying is, I'd chuck e-cheese.