Onions are great gymnasts as they have the advantage of swinging on the onion rings.

How do you share a piece of cheese with a bear?
Caerphilly.

What did one Japanese man say to the other? I’ve no idea, I don’t speak Japanese.

What do you call a married man vacuuming? Doing what he's told...

Did you hear about the two silk worms in a race?
It ended in a tie.

What’s an apple’s favorite restaurant? Applebee’s.

“You spend 90 percent of your adult life hoping for a long rest and the last 10 percent trying to convince the Lord that you’re actually not that tired.” – Robert Brault

There was an Old Person of Ewell,
Who chiefly subsisted on gruel;
But to make it more nice
He inserted some mice,
Which refreshed that Old Person of Ewell.

What is serial killer Buffalo Bill's favorite fast food restaurant?
Chick Fillet.

Are you an alarm clock? Because I want to kill you.

What is the chemical formula for the molecules in candy? Carbon-Holmium-Cobalt-Lanthanum-Tellurium or CHoCoLaTe

Have you seen the picture of Mount Rushmore before it was carved
It’s completely unprecedented.

What is Bruce Lee’s favourite fruit? Wataaaaar melooooon?

Why should you swim in an ool instead of a pool?
Because there’s no “p” in it!

What do you call a drunk person fumbling with their car keys?
A taxi

Q. Why are orange jokes so dumb?
A. Because oranges are afraid to concentrate.

What does a polite vampire say to its victim?
- Fang you very much.

What do you call it when a pillow hits its head?
A concushion.

What will you call a crazy spaceman? An astronaut.

Our backstage manager is leaving at the end of the year. He has been an outstanding member of our theatre team.
Props to him.

Where do bats go to gamble?
Bat-lantic City.

What did the giant say after he ate Fiji?
- I want Samoa!

I don't know if I just got hit by freezing rain, but it hurt like hail.

“Here in California, we passed a law against texting while driving. But there’s no law preventing you from writing a letter while driving.”
Craig Ferguson

Nathan compares to you

What do you call a flying cheese?
A curd of prey.

Did you hear about the monkeys who shared an Amazon account?
They were prime mates.

How do two programmers make money?
One writes viruses, the other anti-viruses.

What kind of fire moistens?
A humidifier.

“My favorite animal is steak."
- Fran Lebowitz

What do you call an ant who can’t speak?
A mute ant.

I never saw a Purple Cow,
I never hope to see one;
But I can tell you, anyhow,
I’d rather see than be one.

(Gelett Burgess)

What do crocodiles wear to keep their legs dry in the water?
Gaiters.

What do you call coffee made from poo?
Crappuccino.

To get to the other tide.

Today, I changed a light bulb, crossed a street, and walked into a bar.
My life is a joke.

What happened when an icicle landed on the skier's head?
It knocked him out cold!

"The Theoretic Turtle"

The theoretic turtle started out to see the toad;
He came to a stop at a liberty-pole in the middle of the road.
“Now how, in the name of the spouting whale,” the indignant turtle cried,
“Can I climb this perpendicular cliff, and get on the other side?
If I only could make a big balloon, I’d lightly over it fly;
Or a very long ladder might reach the top, though it does look fearfully high.
If a beaver were in my place, he’d gnaw a passage through with his teeth;
I can’t do that, but I can dig a tunnel and pass beneath.”
He was digging his tunnel, with might and main, when a dog looked down at the hole.
“The easiest way, my friend,” said he, “is to walk around the pole.”

– Amos R. Wells

Sorry, I don't believe in love at first sight. But I am willing to make an exception in your case.

Why did St. Patrick drive the snakes out of Ireland?
It was too expensive to fly and too long to walk.

Are you a fruit? Cause honeydew you know how fine you look right now?

I'd catalog you with the cookbooks because you look delicious.

After 30 years of marriage, I can both proudly and firmly declare that I still wear the pants in my family...
My wife just tells me which ones to wear.

Mother Superior had to crack down on sisters wearing perfume in the convent.
She said she would not tolerate such nun scents.

My dog went on his first date.
But she was a mal-TEASE.

You make me want to Twist and Shout

What did an angry donut say to his wife?
Donut talk to me.

I was served by a former police officer at my local Applebee’s, I asked for a cup of water and he gave me a cup of ice instead and said
“Just-ice has been served”

"Ships at a distance have every man’s wish on board."
- Zora Neale Hurston

Everyone knows Albert Einstein because of his research in physics. But most people don’t know about his brother who did research in monster making...
His name was Frank.